Friday, October 22, 2010

Chris.....

I have been in a lot of bad relationships over the years and some of them I knew were bad during the relationship, some I didn't realize until after the relationship was over. Some were bad because of situations and some were bad because of the compatibility between me and the other person. Each of those relationships have taught me something though......how to appreciate a good relationship when it comes along. And come along it has!

I have spent my life dreaming of a real life "love story" like the one my grandparents had. They were each other's 2nd marriage and they loved each other more than anything in the world. My grandmother Irene passed away in Oct of 89, my grandpa quickly fell apart and gave up the will to live. He passed in Dec. of 89, almost exactly 2 months to the day of my grandmothers passing. To me, even at 8, this spoke volumes of my grandpa's love for my grandma. He just could not bear to go on without her and didn't even want to try to, I could tell that every morning when he woke up he had no clue how to go on without her (I could see it in his eyes) and he had no idea how to go to bed alone without her every night. While the 2 months between their passings was hard on us, I can only imagine the personal hell that my grandpa was going through without his soul mate and best friend at his side. All the years I was around my grandparents I could tell how much love they had for each other. It was just alive around them, it was tangible, you could not only feel and see it, you could taste it. There was never ANY doubt that they were still madly in love with each other until their final days together, and even in death my grandpa could not bear to go on without her. I feel that had it be a reversed situation, my grandmother would have done the same thing as my grandpa did.

I have always wanted to find my soul-mate and best friend, I have always wanted to be in love, but more importantly....I have always wanted what my grandparents shared. Someone who would love me and want me as much as I loved and wanted them. Someone who could finally make me feel like I was good enough, and someone who could make me want to be a better person. Someone I could trust with my heart and know that they would not hurt me just because they could or just to knock me down a peg or two.

I met Chris about 2 months ago and while the timing was not perfect or ideal, neither of us could deny that it just felt "right". I gave him my number that night (the way he was so nervous was sooooo adorable) and tried to convince myself all the way home and all the next morning that if he didn't call I would be ok. Sure enough, around noon, I got a text message from him asking if he could make me dinner that night. I spent an hour terrified to say yes (for fear of getting hurt), but not terrified enough to say no (because I could already tell that I REALLY liked him). I ended up going to dinner that night and it was the best decision I ever made. Everything was so comfortable and easy (how I figured love was always supposed to be....) The entire night I felt like I was hanging out with my best friend, he was so easy to talk to and just be around. I could tell this time was going to be different, I knew Chris was different from other men I had dated or been in relationships with.

Now, I am not going to say that every day for the last 2 months have been rosy and perfect, but it has been amazing. Chris and I are capable of communicating, we are able to just be together and just be ourselves. I knew I was absolutely in love with him when we were talking on the phone one night about a week into our relationship and he started telling me a story about how some of his employees were talking about the movie "Who framed Roger Rabbit?". The synopsis of the movie that followed just amazed me and made me laugh harder than I have probably EVER laughed in my life. It wasn't anything extravagant, but just they way he said it and the tone in his voice, just amazed me and made me realize just how incredibly, amazingly, and wonderfully smart and funny he was (which are two of my major weaknesses). I knew in that very moment that there was no way I could live the rest of my life without this man in it. I knew this was the man I had been searching my entire life for, and the man that I wanted to wake up to when I was 90. I spent the next week doing everything in my power to not say "I love you" for fear of scaring him off or freaking him out.

One night I was making him dinner and was in the process of cutting and baking raw chicken (I cannot stand the feel of raw chicken, it grosses me out lol) and I started to say "you know I must like you if I am touching raw chicken for you" and instead I said "you know I must LOVE you if I am touching raw chicken for you". I will never forget that, Chris just stopped and looked at me for about 10 seconds while I just stared straight ahead and hoped he hadn't picked up on it, terrified he was going to freak out (although I knew by the way he stopped mid motion that he HAD heard EVERY word of it). He said "Did you just say you love me?", I sheepishly said "Yes.....", He said "I love you too" and I could tell he meant every word of it.

He is amazing, sweet, incredible, sexy and sooooo very good to me. I have no doubt that this is the man I was supposed to find and end up with, I am only sorry that it took this long for us to find each other. My theory is that we weren't ready for each other until now and that is why it took so long for us to find each other. We have both been hurt before and we have both been through enough to know how to do it right this time. I finally know where I want to spend my happy ending and who I want to be by my side in that happy ending. I would be naive to believe that everyday for the rest of our lives would be perfect, but it will absolutely be worth it.

I would rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else.
I would rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself.
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy alone.
Remember I'll always love you, you are the one who holds my heart.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Therapy

Well, I had my 5th therapy appointment today..... For those of you who don't knowI have been off work since Sept 17th, for stress and anxiety reasons. Coincidentally that was the day I came back from bereavement leave as Grandpa Pickle had just passed away. I think I had finally just had too much and I cracked. I am an expert at falling down, failing and getting hurt and then just stand8ing up, dusting myself off, smiling and continuing on my path as if nothing happened. I have trained myself to perfect this skill and I will always be a pro at it. Honestly, I just don't like to burden others with my issues. There are so many people out there with such worse problems than anything I ever deal with, so I just smile and dust myself off and move on. I think I had just finally hit a wall that I couldn't recover from.

Grandpa Pickle was Andrew's maternal grandpa, I had known this wonderful man for 12 years and while we were never close, He reminded me of my grandpa Harry. I was extremely close to Grandpa Harry until he passed away when I was 8, I very rarely speak of him because I just cannot bring myself to do it. I cry when I do and my heart just hurts when I discuss him or Grandma Irene. They passed almost 22 years ago and I still cannot discuss them (I can't even type this without crying)  They were amazing people and they had a big hand in shaping who I am, even as a person today. There will never come a day when I will be able to thank them enough and I miss them immensly. My therapist has pointed out recently that a  lot of my issues now come from the fact that I have never properly said good bye and I have never really grieved for them. This is probably true, How do you say good bye to someone when you love them that much? Some days I like to believe they are just on an extended vacation, others I like to believe that they are just in a retirement community somewhere and they are just having too much fun with their friends to check in. I know this is unhealthy, but its how I deal with it. Maybe one day I will be able to say good bye and grieve...... but, I don't know how (and I am not sure I want to, because that means I have finally resigned myself to the fact that they are not coming back, and I don't know how to deal with that with out feeling like my heart is caving in and my brain is exploding .)

A lot is going on right this second and I don't really know how to finish this... so I will finish another day.... ...

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Ten Things......

10 Things You Want To Say To 10 People:


1. Keegan/ Squish, I was in a store before you were born and I saw a picture frame that explained a lot of how I felt for you.... It said " Before you were concieved I wanted you, Before you were born I loved you, Before you were here an hour I would've died for you, this is the mirace of love." It spoke volumes of what I felt for you, I love you more than anyone ever could and more than I ever thought I would love anyone.  A lot has happened in my life that I may never understand, but I know why you were given to me. I just want for you to be happy and get everything you deserve in life. You are my miracle and I love you more than anyone will ever understand. Your daddy and I had waited so long for you, you were definitely worth the wait. If you ever wonder if I loved you more than anything else...I do. You are my reason for living and you will never know what your life means to me. You are the best parts of your daddy and I and no one else can be that.  You will turn 3 in about a week and a half and this has absolutely been the most amazing 3 years of my life. I cannot wait to see you grow up and become who you are supposed to be, I have no doubt that you will be phenomenal. There will come a day that you will understand that your family is a little bit different than some other people's but I am not sorry that it is not what some people consider "normal". You have some pretty amazing people who are in your life and have had a hand in shaping who you are and who you will become and I would have it no other way.  Please just know that no matter what happened  in the past and no matter what happens in the future that your daddy and I did everything for you, every choice we make is for you. you may not always understand it, but we love you and only want what is best for you. You will always be my baby and no one can take that away. So go, my boy, and be phenomenal like you are meant to be!


2. Chris, I Love you. You are amazing. I  know that I tell you this all the time, but you really are. No one has ever made me feel as loved as you do. I can feel it when you look at me, when we cuddle and watch movies, even when you just hug me. I feel like I am "home".  I think all along that this is where I was supposed to be. I know our timing was not perfect, but I knew when you kissed me that first night that there was something different about you. It has been 2 wonderful, amazing months and I have never been happier or felt more safe in giving my heart to someone.  I handed it over the night of our first date and never looked back, I am a trusting person, but when I hand over my heart there is always a feeling of trepidation in me. I didn't feel any of that this time, I just KNEW I was doing the right thing.  I want you to be the old man that I am sitting next to when I am 90, I still want to be holding your hand and still be just as in love with you then as I am today, if not more (if that is even possible). Some people may not understand how we have managed to fall so fast and how we just know.....but I don't care. I have always believed that it was possible to just know, and that the person I was supposed to find would just appear one day... I can't think of anyone else I would have rather have had it be. It is amazing to me how you can go your whole life without knowing someone and then one day you can't imagine your life without that person.  I can't wait to see what our future holds, baby. I love you.

3. Drew, first off... I love you. I know we have had our differences and we had a REALLY rough patch, but you truly are one of my bestest friends. I have been madder than hell at you, but you never have actually just turned your back on me when you could have so many times. We definitely have let each other down at times, but we will always be each others back bone and biggest fans.  I am beginning to see the man that I knew you could be, You may not be that 17 year old boy I fell in love with. but you have become a damn good dad and person, I am glad that "drew" is gone and you are happy. I am so sorry that I hurt you, but you know I only did what I thought was best for us. I am thankful that we are able to be what we are. I can't think of anyone I would rather have "grown up" with. We learned a lot and I am thankful that you are here. I am excited to see what you are capable of and see the finished product of the people that we set out to be so long ago.


4. Mom, There are things in our lives that we cannot control, for you it was me. Lord knows you tried to control me no matter how much I pulled away. You always  just wanted the best for me and I know that now. I love you, but I was so angry with you for so long for not telling me thngs that I needed to know. I always thought you just wanted us to be apart, I was just too young tounderstand that sometimes people just forget. I learned to forgive you and realize that it wasn't all your fault and that you meant no harm to me by it. No matter how angry I was I still loved you. I will always love you. I spent so much time being angry with you.....I am sorry. I love you, I know we have had a rough relationship at times, but I can't picture anyone else being my mother.  You are a terrific grandmother and I am blessed to have you in my life and to have you in Keeg's life. He couldn't have gotten a better grandma. I want you to know though that I do worry about you, you do so much and I just want you to be around for a long time momma.... cause even with as independent as I am, I can't ever picture life without you and even the thought of it makes me fall apart. I love you momma.

5. Grandma and Grandpa Searles, I miss you more than you will ever know. I know you are watching me. I hope I make you proud, Thank you for taking such good care of me while you were here. I have tried not to be angry with God for taking you. I have tried to understand he needed you too. I just hate that you are not here to see the boys and my little boy. We miss you and I am sure you see that, I am sure you see the pain we have been in over you guys for the past 22 years. We just miss you, you were our world and it is hard when that is taken from you. I just wish we could have one more day with you guys. I will never forget you and neither will momma. I will make sure Keegan knows about you guys, he needs to know what great people you are and the people who mean so much to his mommy and grandma for so many reasons. One day I hope we will be able to talk about you  without falling apart, I still cry at the mention of you. My therapist says that I never grieved the loss of you and that is something I need to work on, still haven't figured out how to do that yet, 22 years of grief is a lot to deal with. I  love you and miss you more than you will ever understand.


5.Daddy, You are one of a kind. It takes a special man to take on a pain in the ass kid like me and not even think twice about it.  You took care of my grandpa when he was dying and you didn't have to.  You chose to do these things 22 years ago with out a second thought. I will always love and respect you for that. I am sorry I was so hard on you as a kid, I know I apologize all the time for it, but I want you to know that I love you and you will always be my daddy.  I am a daddy's girl and always will be because my daddy is an amazing person and has helped shape me into who I am today.

6. Krissy, Thank you for holding on.  People may not understand our relationship, but I love you. Thankyou for protecting me when I couldn't do it myself. Thank you for  letting me cry it out in your living room, thank you for being there when I called you at 2am crying once again. I love that you have taken such good care of me, but as we have learned in the past few weeks/months. I have to grow up and this relationship is going to take a different turn, I need to not rely on you so much and I need to stand on my own and learn to protect myself. You have taught me well mama bird, now I need to fly. You are still always going to be my sister and I am excited to see what this new dynamic brings to our friendship. I love you and thank you.

7. Luke, Joey and Dakota, My brothers....I love you boys. I know I act very motherly over you guys, and I am sorry that that bother y'all, but that is what it is going to be until we are no longer on earth. You guys are my boys and I love you. You guys are full of potential and capable of so much more than you allow yourselves. I just hope one day you guys see what you are worth and that you finally succeed at what you are each wanting. You guys can do this and I hope that one day you get the motovation to actually do it!

8. Lizzy Beth, my goddess-ninja-superhero.... what do I say to you. you are a shining star, my dear, don't ever forget that. I never realized when you sat 3 desks down from me that I would find a life long friend. You blow me away sometimes and I love that you are the part of me that I have never been able to show.  I am so proud of what you have learned and applied to your life. I am so glad you have been able to open up and stop being scared. Revel in the awesomeness that is you and know that only you could be that amazing and beautiful at it. If I have taught you anything, duckling, be brave... love....and don't be afraid of the pain for it is only temporary.

9.  Scott, we started out dating and ended up being good friends. You are a phenomenal person and I wouldn't know how to not have your presence in me and Keeg's lives. You may be stuck right now, but I have no doubt that, like the phoenix that blesses your blog, you will soar! I am proud to call you my friend and I love you! Keep being the amazing, phenomenal, wonderful person that you are... and don't be scared of making a mistake or remembering your past. It may be painful, but I have no doubt that you will rise above, my dear.   

p.s. Oh and Keep blogging... you are a great writer and I am excited to hear the rest of the story and progress! I have faith in you that it will be great!

10.  for anyone I have missed.... there is a reason you are in my life.... good, bad or indifferent, you have all taught me something. Some of you I have just met and some of you  have been around for years and years. I love you, but it is also 2:30 am and my brain has stopped working. I am also kind of cloudy from all the crying I have done writing the previous 8 entries above.... so please.... forgive me.

Nine Things About Yourself:
1. I am a mother
2. I am a daughter
3. I have failed in my life, but I have also learned from these "failures"
4. I love with all I have even if I believe I will get hurt.
5. I want to be a singer and have wanted to be since before I remember
6. I am smarter than people give me credit for
7. I am fluent in American Sign language since my parents are deaf
8. If I won the lottery, I would help or give money to everyone I know and love and I would share a lot with charity.
9. I honestly believe that as long as you have love you don't need anything else.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart:
1. Be respectful
2. Be giving and charitable, there is always someone you can help
3. Don't think you can walk all over me, I WILL call you on it
4. I don't need the drama or the bullshit, leave it at home
5. be honest and reliable.
6. Either take me for what I am (eccentricites and all) or don't waste my time.
7. Don't be stupid, I don't have the time or patience for stupidity
8. Life is a gift, don't waste it

Seven Things That Cross Your Mind Often:
1. Keeg and his well being
2. Chris
3. Family
4. Friends
5. Money
6. Our schedules
7. My grandparents

Six Things You Wish You Never Did:
1. Wasting time in my life being angry
2. Not going to the college I was accepted to when I graduated.
3. got into the wreck I did
4. Make the decisions with money that I have
5. losing touch with people I care about
6. stupid things I did when I was younger


Five Turn Offs:
1. Disrespectfulness
2. Selfishness
3. Stupidity
4. Ignorance
5. Over confidence

Four Turn Ons:
1. Personality
2. Sense of humor
3. good with children
4. the ability to be strong and loving at the same time

Three Smileys That Describe Your Life:
1. Keegan
2. Chris
3. Eva and Connor

Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die:
1. Raise awesome, beautiful, amazing children
2. Help as many people as I can

One Confession:
1. My goal in life is to be a phenomenal wife and mother.

Friday, October 15, 2010

a new me....

I have been struggling... Now, if you know me you are thinking "no way! really?! I never would have guessed!" , right? Ok, so I am not the most private person when it comes to me and my life and my feelings. I am pretty transparent and YES, I know this. I just don't feel the need to be private about much in my life, until recently, and even with that I am still pretty open.

I have had relationships in the past that my best friends (and sometimes not such best friends) have been completely privy to, until Chris. I feel the need to be prtective of this relationship, because there are occasionally such sweet moments or things that he says that I like to have that to myself to recall later and remind myself how much he loves me. It is probably one of the first and few things that is sacred and important to me.  I am insecure, this is also not a secret to anyone who knows me. I have spent my life being torn apart and knocked down, but I always have gotten up, put a smile on my face and stood there waiting for the next blow.  I am also extrememly giving and trusting...even to the point of fault. I will give and give and give to someone who just takes from me.  If they give back, then I usually don't know how to accept.  I trust people right away, I have always believed that I should trust until I am proven that I shouldn't trust someone. This is who I am, I have resigned myself to this. Has it gotten me in trouble? yes. Has it caused multiple psychological  issues? yes. Has it gotten me hurt? YES! 

I have recently (thanks to Chris) learned how to stand up for myself. He made me take a step back and look at how I was allowing myself to be treated and I realized that I didn't like what I saw. I would see myself cower, rush to please someone, apologize for things that were not even my fault and shy away from saying what I really wanted to say. This is not who I was meant to be, anyone who knew me back in HS or as a teen would know that. Once upon a time, I was strong, unafraid, unapologetic, and confident to an extent.  Now, I know I am not the full reason I am not that girl anymore, things have happened to make me the way I am, but I REFUSE to say that I am not somewhat to blame. I have allowed this treatment to happen, therefore I hold some level of responsibility for what has happened to me and how I have been treated. I apologize to myself for letting that happen.

On the verge of thirty I think I have a better idea of who I am and what I am capable of. I am no longer going to be anyone's lap dog, yes woman, or victim. I am  done being scared, I am done cowering, I am done holding back. I am ready to be who I was meant to be and who I wanted to be all those years ago. I am going to stand on my feet, I am going to say "NO!", I am going to believe I am a beautiful person and stop being modest,  I am going to make mistakes and allow myself to feel every bit of it and know that it is ok to be wrong. I have always been beautifully chotic, but it has always been hidden for fear of what other people are going to think.... I'm done hiding it. I am going to be a "freak, strange, and weird".  Label me.... go ahead.... I am no longer afraid of it. 

I am me. I am smart. I am passionate. I am loving. I am a little left of center. I am confident.  I am strong. and I would have it no other way.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Just because I'm not visibly shaken doesn't mean I'm not hurt....

So, apparently I am a bad person because people don't like that I blog about them.... Well, tough cookies....this is my blog and part of my therapy so I will write about what I want and what is important to me. If you don't like it then stop reading.

I am tired of being a door mat. There are certain people in my life that I have bent over backwards for and have gotten nothing but hurt in return. I am used as a punching bag, sexual conquest, and therapist (amongst other things) and I AM TIRED OF IT!!! You can only push someone so far before they break and I am completely broken!

I screw up, I make mistakes, I am not perfect and I know this. I also apologize to people when I have made an error in judgement or done something to hurt someone. I do this by saying "I am sorry, I screwed up... what can I do to make it up to you?" not by wordplay, pretty letters, just ignoring it or illusion.... I have no problem saying I have screwed up, but I can only apologize so many times for the same thing before I have nothing left to do to make it up.

When someone hurts me I try to just let it go and move on and hope they will do better next time and have the faith in them that they can do better. Is that same treatment EVER extended to me? NO. I continually get it brought up every time I screw up (whether it is relevant to the situation or not) and I have to continually apologize for it. I am tired of apologizing numerous times for the same mistake! I am sorry! what else do you want?! blood? money? my first born child? what will make it end and why do I always have to be the bad guy?

I am tired of being the punching bag, I am tired of being the bigger person, I am tired of acting like I am not hurt and I am tired of never being able to tell these people that they are wrong sometimes too! If there is one thing I carry with me from my grandparents.... it is the ABSOLUTE belief that NO ONE is perfect and EVERYONE makes mistakes. It is sometimes much easier to ask  forgiveness than to ask permission. I, for one, will continue to apologize when I have done wrong and I will try always to forgive others before they even have to ask. This is who I am, but next time you are going to be angry with me.... maybe you should take a second and think about the things you may have done to hurt me. I am not going to allow anyone, and I do mean ANYONE, to hurt me any longer. I bend to please people and I am done doing that. From here on out..... I am doing what is best for me and my family.... no one else, if you don't like that then I am sorry.... but that is how it is.

You are going to have to learn to accept NO.... I know, from me it will be a hard thing to hear for a lot of people.... but I have been saying yes to too many things I have not wanted to do and no one (including myself) has ever put MY best interests first, and it is damn time that I do that and stop expecting people that I care about to do it.....

I am sorry if this hurts or offends anyone, but I am taking a stand and being who I was meant to be. I am going to put me and my family first and only say "yes" when I sincerily mean it. This is what I have to do to get better and make myself happy again and I apprieciate all the people who have either positively or negatively affected who I have become, becuase without each of you this would not be possible. I hope those that I love will accept this, but if not, then there's the door (no questions asked). All I ask is that you be courteous enough to let me know you are leaving.

Dawn

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

If you love that girl, you better love her and treat her right while she is there..... or someone else will.

Here's an idea....If you keep telling someone to walk away and that you don't love them, don't want to be with them enough times, or that they are not good enough for you, then guess what.... they just might believe you. Sometimes it is just too late to get back what you lost. You can pour your heart out and sometimes, as sad as it is, it's just not enough. Now, I do not say all of this as bluntly as I am to be mean....I am just trying to make my points known.

Whether you believe it or not, even strong, independent women need to FEEL loved, you cannot just assume that people know you love them just because you are in their lives. You have to tell them and show them by doing things to make them feel your love. Phone calls, text messages, love notes, flowers, back rubs, even something as simple as doing something you may not necessarily like could show someone how much you love them. Some of us need the affection more than others, some people need to be reminded often that they are loved, this is not necessarily a bad thing.

Now, as many of you know I have had someone in my life that I did love very much and he just wasn't good for me. The last two years has been marked by multiple attempts at a relationship with him. We never could make it work and I got decimated every single time. He told me the other day that (once again) he was missing me and he had finally realized that he could not live without me. Now, I have heard all of this from him before, but this time I knew and could tell that he was serious. I do love him and he will always hold a special place in my heart, but I am already happy and in love with a very wonderful man. He pushed and pushed and pushed me away telling me he was not in love with me and made it very apparent that he did not want me. He has made it clear that this has nothing to do with my new beau but, I don't know that I can completely believe that.... the timing is just too convienient..... now, I may be wrong on that but that is how I feel (and being that this is MY blog, I will be nothing but honest on how I feel).

Chris and I have talked about what "P" had to say the other night and the fact that he tried to kiss me, and he is aware that I am in love with him (Chris) and that I came home that night KNOWING I had made the right decision for my life, our lives together and our relationship.  I am in love with Chris, he is amazing to me and loves me for who I am (clinginess, craziness and all) and that is what I need and want. It is no secret that I have left relationships in the past because of "P" saying the same things he said the other night, only to be heartbroken once I made the decision. I refuse to leave an amazing man and relationship this time because "P" has decided that he is ready.

Just remember boys, just because she has been madly in love with you doesn't mean she will wait forever for you. If you love that girl, you better love her and treat her right while she is there..... or someone else will.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

People in glass houses..........

I will never understand why people feel the need to cast aspersions on other people's character when they do not know who that person may really be. I am not saying that I have never spoke about anyone behind their back, but I would never do that to a friend and anything I have said behind someones back has been done in a situation where I did not have the chance to say something to someones face, not that I WOULDN'T say it to their face, just that I did not have the opportunity.

I have been put in a situation recently where someone made an assumption based on who they thought I was. My past has been littered with men, but the demise of each of those relationships (generally speaking) were not directly of my cause.... they were situations where I was told I was not enough, I was too much, I wasn't what they wanted, certain things happened that were out of my control.  Just because my past is littered with these men, doesn't mean I am a "man-eater" or "gold digger".

 I was told that "people are scared of what they don't know", which may be true....however, why are we scared of what we don't know. I can't say that I have ever been afraid of what I don't know, just curious about it. I guess I don't normally fall under then "norm"  for most people and I am content with that... I like who I am. Regardless of what people may think of me, I need to not be concerned with what they "see". I am special, beautiful and chaotic at the same time.... I love being who I am and I love that there is a beauty in my chaotic nature.

Once again, I challenge you,my friends, to get out and find something different to embrace, be curious, find out what you didn't know and apply it to your life and see if you can be beautifully chaotic. I am who I am, I challenge you to actually get to know who I am.....

Friday, October 1, 2010

bucket list

I just watched an episode of the buried life on MTV and the one question they always ask at the end is "what do you want to do before you die?" I think this has prompted me to write my own bucket list. So, I am going to think about this and get back to my blog with my list of things I want to do before I die, My bucket list, if you will. Stay tuned to see what I come up with!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

It took me 29 years to learn this and I am proud to say that I finally have.

I've made mistakes in my life. I've let people take advantage of me & accepted way less then I deserve. But, I have learned from my bad choices & even though there are some things I can never get back & people who will never be sorry, I'll know better next time & will not settle for anything less then I deserve! ♥ --This was a facebook status by one of my friends and it got me thinking.

I have absolutely made bad choices, they finally led me to an amazing place though. I've let people take advantage of me and treat me badly, and occasionally there were people that I let do this more than once. I have accepted completely abhorrent behavior, because I loved someone or truly believed that I didn't deserve anything other than that. I know better now.

I've made three major choices in men lately and each is very different in comparison. Andrew, Phil and Chris....

There was Andrew, my ex husband, friend, and father of my son. Andrew and I just couldn't make it work... We did have a few good years and then we just weren't good together anymore. We were convinced that we loved each other enough to make it work and we tried....for a long time, we tried. After about 5 years I don't think either of us was happy anymore, but we held on for many more years. I think we were both just scared to be on our own. We had grown up together, we had been through so much together, we had learned so many lessons together and had such an intertwined life in every aspect that we just didn't think there was any other option. Neither of us knew how to let go and walk away. Andrew finally found a way to drive us apart and when we started to fix that, I found another, more final way. We both waited to walk away until it was too far gone to do anything else, we made bad choices and hurt each other, we didn't feel we had any other choice, I guess. The seperation over the last two years has been painful at times, and we have fought more times than I can count, and really I think it is because we still care about what happens to each other and we still care for each other. We just know it's never going to work and we are not good for each other or our son. Keegan deserves better than that, and so do we. We have recently found a way to be friends again and I am grateful for that, I love him, but I am not in love with him and I think he feels the same. He will always be my friend and partner in raising our son, we have created a strange yet functional family for our son and I for one am proud of the family that we have created for him. A lot of people don't understand the dynamic of Drew and my relationship, and that's ok. We know it is unconventional. but that is just who Drew and I have been, unconventional.

Then, there is Phil. Phil was my best friend, my protector, my shoulder to cry on. We would have done anything for each other. Then I found that I was falling for him and I thought he was falling for me, I will never know if that is true or not. I know he cares about me, but with all the "hot and cold" behavior over the on and off relationship of almost two years, I will never know the truth and that makes me sad that he couldn't just open up and show me himself in that aspect. Phil has ever learned how to love, in my opinion. Maybe he never believed he was loved, or was never able to see when someone loved him, I don't know but I hope one day he does see it and can love someone...... he deserves that. I have worked hard to put us back in the friends category and forgive him of the things he did to hurt me, it gets easier day by day. A lot of people don't understand why I try to hold on to our friendship after everything and all the heartbreak that has happened, but I understand it. He has been a huge chunk of my life and I don't want to lose that, it would be like losing a limb. I hope this can be fixed and we can be friends again, and we are getting there...with careful steps and time. We just might surprise everyone.

And Chris..... What can I say about a man, who has in a short month completely changed my life. I have spent so much time LOOKING for love, only to be let down, hurt, bruised, beaten and heartbroken. I have always been told that it would just happen and I never believed it would happen to me, maybe others, but not me. I don't think either of us had any idea what would happen when he kissed me that night and asked me to dinner the next day, but we are both amazed every day by this love that has just happened. I have never met a man that fascinates me as much as he does. He talks and I just can't stop listening cause I can't even imagine what the next thing he is going to say is. I love the way his mind works cause it is so similar to mine in some ways and yet so different at the same time. I love the fact that he wants me and it's because of who I am, not any other reason. He gets me, that has never happened before and it is the one thing I have always wanted. I don't think anyone in my life has ever fully just understood me and who I am, but he does. I can't wait to see what happens in the coming years and see where we end up. He is my happy ending and I couldn't imagine a better person to fill that space.

Each of these men hold a special place in my heart and it is for good reason that they are the three that play some of the most important parts in my life. Yes, I have been let down and taken advantage of in my life, but each time was a lesson and I've learned a lot in 29 years. I wouldn't trade any of the bad times in my life, I wouldn't be who I am or where I am without the bad times. I have learned that you can't have the good without the bad, you can't fully apprieciate love until you have been heartbroken, and you can't apprieciate being treated right until you have been treated badly. I am who I am, I like me, I am blessed every day to have the people in my life that I do and to have experienced what I have. Not everything in life is good, but it is all worth it. It took me 29 years to learn this and I am proud to say that I finally have.

Monday, September 27, 2010

what if.......

have you ever thought about what your life would be like if you had done just one little thing differently? Every choice you have made in your life has shaped who you are as a person. Realistically, If you changed even just one choice that you think is inconsequential in your life then that leads to the next choice that came after that, and the one after that, and the one after that.....

I have been thinking a lot about the choices I have made in my life. I do my best not to regret anything I do in my life, no matter how bad the outcome. I realize that even just one misstep in my life can lead me to amazing places if given enough time. I have been through enough heartbreak in my life to turn me into a cynical, bitter person, yet I have refused to let that happen. I have cried, picked up the pieces and grabbed my glue gun and bedazzler to try and repair the damage that was done. I have trusted the wrong people in some parts of my life, I just learn from it and move on and hope that the next person I trust is not going to take advantage of my good nature, I refuse to let it stop me from giving.

I have been asked numerous times how I continue to love, believe, cherish, hope, pray and just know that love exists....how I just continue to be open to the possibility that someone will love me the way that I think I deserve, even after all the heartbreak. What other option do I have? Sure, I could close myself off and believe that everyone will hurt me, believe that I will never be enough, or that everyone lies or leaves....but, in the end, who am I hurting? Myself.

I have been up and down, in and out, and round and round, but I will always believe that love exists, miracles happen and fate can change anything. There is too much bad in this world for there not to be a counter action. No one ever said that love or life is easy, but the ride is definitely something to experience and cherish. At least for me it is.... I want to be old and telling my grandchildren about the amazing, fantastic things I have seen and felt, The loves I have had, the life I have lived.

There may have been tears, but there were smiles and wonderment too.... the tears are just temporary lessons on the path to who I am meant to be. As children we are taught that we can be anything we want to be.....I just want to be a loving, faithful, caring, compassionate person who still believes in the magic and beauty that this world has to offer. I don't care about being rich or having material possesions to show off,  I would rather have amazing children, a real life true love story, and the belief that there is still some magic to see in this world that I can't explain....when I have achieved this, that will be enough for me.

Beauty and magic are everywhere, you just have to believe enough. I challenge each and every one of you to look again, look deeper, take a few extra seconds to just really look (Don't worry, that meeting, phone call, store, errand or anything else that seems so important today will still be there in 20 seconds). Believe that you can see it and just look. Don't let previous errors in judgement, previous pain, tears or cynicism stop you, cause it is when you stop that you die.....keep going and open your heart to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, something in this world (whether it be god, fate, angels, buddha...whatever you believe in) knows better and can give you what you need.

As humans, we are built to make mistakes, we are not meant to be perfect. We are made to forgive, forgiving someone is not weakness....it just means that you are strong enough to realize that someone messed up. Remember, it is always easier to ask for forgiveness that to wait for permission. Love, with all your heart (even if it has been broken before), open your eyes and see what others refuse to, think outside of the box, don't be afraid to be different, give more than you recieve, help someone (there is always someone who needs a helping hand, but is too afraid to ask for it), open your mind and believe that there could always be a better way, just be yourself or hell, just be.......