" And now it's clear to me that everything you see ain't always what it seems, I was dreaming so long. I wish I knew then what I know now, wouldn't dive in, wouldn't bow down. Gravity hurts, you made it so sweet, til I woke up on, on the concrete......I'm wide awake, not losing any sleep, I picked up every piece, and landed on my feet.......God knows that I tried seeing the bright side, but I'm not blind anymore... I'm Wide Awake" Thank you Katy Perry.
I've come to realize that people are going to let me down sometimes. Maybe my expectations are too high sometimes and that causes me to be disappointed far more than I realize. I have been disappointed enough in my life that sometimes I don't realize I'm disappointed until it has been months (or sometimes even years) down the road. I have spent a lot of time in therapy talking about my expectations and why I am so angry with certain people in my life, and the truth is : I don't know if I am disappointed with them for letting me down or if I am disappointed with myself for allowing ti to happen. In the few MAJOR disappointments in my life I saw it coming but did nothing to stop it because I believed these people cared enough to stop it before it got to me. I EXPECTED them to care enough to stop it from happening, and maybe that was just too much pressure or responsibility for them to handle..... maybe it was my own responsibility in the first place and I had no business putting it off on them.
I still from time to time think about my marriage, my therapist has made it clear that I shouldn't dwell on it but I should consider what happened if I plan to marry again ( which I do, hopefully). I think Andrew and I had very different scenarios of what marriage would be and how it should be. I have said time and time again that we were too young, we had no business getting married (even if the best thing of my life came from it! e.g. Keegan) I considered this thought once before, when Erik ( my bf about 3 years ago) wanted to marry me. All he could talk about is the wedding, there was never talk about life after the wedding except when it came to kids (it was no secret that I wanted (and still want) another child). I realized during our 4th conversation about getting married (or having a wedding) that we never discussed just being husband and wife and what that meant or how important it was, we never discussed being partners, not just getting married. I come from a long line of divorce, it was never something that was explained in my family, it just was what it was. As I grew I learned what divorce was and how ugly it could get. I honestly cannot name one person in my family that has had a successful marriage. Sure, my mom and dad (Rusty) have been together for 23 years this August, but they aren't married. So it was incredibly important for me to make Andrew and my marriage work, even after his infidelity. I tried to hold on but I just couldn't anymore and some days that makes me feel like a failure. However, I have learned from Chris about being a partner in a relationship.... we may fight and we may make each other crazy, I have made idle threats to leave early on in our relationship, but we realized there was a problem and he was willing (even more than willing) to go with me to see a counselor to fix the issue (something Andrew was always dead set against, even after the affair when we needed it the most). We don't make it a secret that we see a counselor together, I think we are even proud of it (at least I am). Seeing a counselor doesn't mean we are failing, it means we love each other and want to be together enough that we will work hard on making sure we aren't another broken family or statistic, we WANT to work at it and make it a priority. And for that I am proud of us.
I digress, people will let me down. I know I need to be more realistic and expect my loved ones to not be perfect. If you don't screw up every now and then you are not human, right? I need to forgive myself for leaving Andrew and realize that this action does not make me a failure, it makes me human. The saying is "I'm a lover, not a fighter".... well, I am both. I am a lover by nature and I am a fighter by force. I have had to fight my entire life.....I spent six years just trying to survive, asking for no help, being knocked down and losing everything and fighting back from it, stealing and lying to survive, I have been used, lied to, cheated on, and beaten up (both in and out of romantic relationships). I, still at 31, have no idea about my paternal side of my family and probably never will because I have had to realize that the two men, one of whom is my biological father, are deadbeats who left their "real" families and kids while I got lucky enough to have a man in my life who raised me and took me in as his own and made me a fighter. I realized recently just how lucky I am to have a mom and dad who love me and are proud of me, even when I mess up. They may have made MAJOR mistakes from time to time and didn't have much to give us financially growing up but they LOVED us and taught me how to survive on my own. I have lost and sacrificed a LOT in my life, I may have dug myself into many holes, but I have always clawed my way out and landed back on my feet..... I always make the joke that I am like a cockroach, they may have a nasty reputation, but one thing is clear....... you can't kill me, you can't keep me down for long, I always come back and I'll still be here long after the smoke clears. I have learned that I am stronger than I ever imagined and I am proud that my son has a mom like me to teach him that life and people can beat you up but what matters is if you get back up!
I am beyond damaged, I am scarred deeply, I am a hot mess some days, but I am worth more than I believe most days and I am loved by some pretty amazing people. I may have few TRUE friends, but they are friends that I would do anything for because I know they've got my back too. I have a wonderful man who loves me and my son, who would do anything for us as we would him. I am a lucky girl, I didn't fail..... I gave myself a chance to start over and do it better! (and that's what I am going to do!)
