Saturday, October 12, 2013

525,600 minutes.....

          I finally brought myself to watch the memorial episode of Glee last night, as expected I ugly-cried all the way through it. I think the toughest part of it for me was when Finn's mom was cleaning out his room. She said "How do parents go on when they lose a child? You know, when I would see that stuff on the news I would just change the channel cause it was just too horrible to think, how do they wake up every day? I mean, how, how do they breathe? But you do wake up, and for just a second, you forget, and then, oh, you remember and it's like getting that call again and again, every time. You don't get to stop waking up, you have to keep on being a parent even though you don't get to have a child anymore...." (and even as I type this, I can't stop bawling)
          It's funny because I have always felt the same way. Daily, I see news stories about parents losing their kids and I see mothers burying their children and I think..... " I couldn't do it. I wouldn't be able to do it. How do they stand there so strong and do this?" I have been told that I am strong, but I am not THAT strong.
          In March of 2012 we lost a wonderful friend named Teddy, how he died is not important, how he lived is..... Teddy was a warm, loving, sarcastic, fun guy. Teddy cared about people, he loved his friends, he loved his family, he loved his daughter and he loved his mother. Hearing of Teddy's death brought a lot of our lives to a screeching halt, we couldn't believe it, we couldn't wrap our minds around why he was gone. Even at the funeral, we could see him there in front of us but I believe a lot of us just kept waiting to hear him laugh at all of us for being so gullible......but, it never happened.
            Since that horrible day we have all started to move on as best as we could. Some of us have become closer to others. I have been blessed enough to become closer to Teddy's mom, Priscilla. I am blessed to know her, she is the strongest person I have ever met. Priscilla posted earlier today that her and her husband watched the memorial episode of Glee and that she broke down during the episode and it seemed interesting to me that the only people I could think of during the episode was Teddy and Priscilla. He knew how much his parents loved him, and I hope they knew how much he loved them back. Teddy loved all of us, he cared about us. Even if he would never say it aloud, he always showed it. There was never any doubt of his caring nature. I am a lucky person to have known Ted, and a better person for knowing his gracious, unbelievably strong mother.
           Last night I had horrible dreams about Keegan being gone, how much I missed him and cried for him in my dream/sleep. When I woke up he was curled up next to me holding his teddy bear, and I wanted to cry. Not everyone has the luxury of hugging their baby whenever they want, I do. I complain about him crawling in bed with me at night, but at the end of the day, I secretly love it. I love cuddling with him and I love waking up with him, he's my favorite, I am very lucky.