It's strange how certain things can set someone off. You can be standing strong for years and years and then just one day you are hit with everything like a ton of bricks. You realize your life is not going the way you expected and then you have to rethink your course. I went through 2.5 years of being seperated/ divorced and I find that in certain situations I am still not fully capable of how to deal with it (or my ex husband sometimes for that matter). I find that sometimes we can be capable of being friends and getting along like nothing ever happened between us, and then there are the time when I hold so much resentment for him that it is palatable and tangible. It's in those moments that I have to remember that the mistakes that caused our divorce gave me the chance to be with a man who loves me more than anyone else ever has. I am thankful for this and wish I could find the same thing for my best friend and my ex sister in law cause they both have been through a lot of pain and deserve to be this happy too. I often think of everyone else's happiness before my own cause that is easy, navigating my own life and happiness is not as easy. It is filled with landmines and traps, I don't know that I ever felt that I deserved to be happy, I was not put here to be selfish and keep things for myself, I was put here to give, not take. I am slowly learning how to do the latter because at 30 I have realized it is vital for me to take sometimes in order for me to survive.
I recently found out that my mother is going to have to have open heart surgery for a heart murmur she has had her whole life. It is a vital surgery because the murmur (which is really just a hole in her heart) has enlarged enough that she is having trouble sleeping and breathing. It sounds simple, they are going to have to cut her open, sew up the hole and then close her back up, But for me it is not that simple. I am absolutely terrified, I am terrified that she will die on the table and then what? I have always been scared that something would happen to her, she is all I have. I don't know my biological dad and found out 2 years ago that one of the men who could potentially be my biological father is dead, the other is no where to be found and doesn't have anything to do with the children that he does know about so I doubt he would be much different to me. My "Daddy" is a man who came into my life when I was 8 and has shaped the woman I have become. I don't know who I would be without him. I hold more respect for him than I ever have anyone for the simple fact that he cared for my grandpa when no one else could (including himself) and for that he will always have my utmost respect and love. My brothers are good guys who make mistakes and are learning how to grow up slowly. My mother has taken care of them for a long time and she's gotten good at taking care of others as she gets older, I doubt I will ever be as good as her at it and to be honest I don't want to try and find out. My mom and I have had a very difficult relationship. Growing up I wanted a mom and she wanted to be friends. I learned a lot about how to care for myself enough to survive and I never wanted her help. She did the best that she could and I rebelled against her non rules. I credit her with how I have turned out and I don't mean that I blame her. I just think I became a rule follower due to my lack of rules. I have always loved my mother but I definitely did not want her help because I was way too independent for that. Now at 30 I don't know what I would do without my mother, she is my best friend and I do not know enough to take her place in our family. I keep preparing for the worst because at least one of us is going to have to be prepared if something happens. Someone has to take care of my daddy and brothers...... All I know is that if something does happen to her this world will definitely be a less colorful place..... I love you momma.
