How do you explain evil? Today I held my son close and explained to him that his daddy, I, Andrea and Chris love him more than anything in the world. I (like most of the world) watched in horror as children were reported missing or dead. I cried with President Obama when he gave his speech, I cried for the poor, precious, scared kids, I cried for the teachers who were trying desperately to protect their kiddos, I cried for the teachers who dies trying to protect their kiddos and I cried for the families who lost children and adult loved ones alike.
I couldn't imagine a day without my child being around. I couldn't imagine burying him or spending the rest of my life wondering "what might have been", wondering who he would have became, wondering the good he could have done, wondering the kind of parent he would have been. These poor kids lost so much and their families lost just as much, if not more. I can't imagine moving on, I can't imagine waking up tomorrow morning knowing he was gone. I wouldn't get out of bed, I wouldn't be able to look in the mirror.
Our jobs as parents is to keep our kids safe, its to teach them how to grow and be good people. So, How do we explain horrendous days like these??? My son is 5, He is exceptionally curious at this age, he knows who the President is and he knows what sad is, therefore when he saw me crying with President Obama his first question was "Mommy, why are you and the President crying? what's he saying?" I said "Sometimes bad things happen, sometimes there are bad people in this world that hurt people for no reason. This morning there were a lot of kids hurt because of a bad man.". Keegan looked at me and said " I am sorry the bad man made you cry, Mommy.... I love you." I couldn't do anything but hug him and tell him I loved him too knowing full and well that there were parents on the east coast that would not have this comfort tonight.
I've known for a long time that there was evil in this world. I knew way before I should have that there were bad people and that they did bad things. I have always lived my life being the best person I could because I wanted to believe that for each good thing I did it stopped one evil thing from happening......... My faith in that is running thin though. I would like to believe it still works that way but I am not a child and I am not naive. I think we just have too much evil in this world and the good cannot overcome it anymore. People spend so much time putting others down (I've been guilty of this myself, I'm not perfect), they spend time hurting each other for petty reasons and pushing others down just to prove they are right........
I live my life by the premise of being kind and graceful to everyone. I work hard at being kind, it doesn't cost anything, you don't lose anything by being kind. try it..........
Friday, December 14, 2012
Monday, July 9, 2012
Wide Awake.....
" And now it's clear to me that everything you see ain't always what it seems, I was dreaming so long. I wish I knew then what I know now, wouldn't dive in, wouldn't bow down. Gravity hurts, you made it so sweet, til I woke up on, on the concrete......I'm wide awake, not losing any sleep, I picked up every piece, and landed on my feet.......God knows that I tried seeing the bright side, but I'm not blind anymore... I'm Wide Awake" Thank you Katy Perry.
I've come to realize that people are going to let me down sometimes. Maybe my expectations are too high sometimes and that causes me to be disappointed far more than I realize. I have been disappointed enough in my life that sometimes I don't realize I'm disappointed until it has been months (or sometimes even years) down the road. I have spent a lot of time in therapy talking about my expectations and why I am so angry with certain people in my life, and the truth is : I don't know if I am disappointed with them for letting me down or if I am disappointed with myself for allowing ti to happen. In the few MAJOR disappointments in my life I saw it coming but did nothing to stop it because I believed these people cared enough to stop it before it got to me. I EXPECTED them to care enough to stop it from happening, and maybe that was just too much pressure or responsibility for them to handle..... maybe it was my own responsibility in the first place and I had no business putting it off on them.
I still from time to time think about my marriage, my therapist has made it clear that I shouldn't dwell on it but I should consider what happened if I plan to marry again ( which I do, hopefully). I think Andrew and I had very different scenarios of what marriage would be and how it should be. I have said time and time again that we were too young, we had no business getting married (even if the best thing of my life came from it! e.g. Keegan) I considered this thought once before, when Erik ( my bf about 3 years ago) wanted to marry me. All he could talk about is the wedding, there was never talk about life after the wedding except when it came to kids (it was no secret that I wanted (and still want) another child). I realized during our 4th conversation about getting married (or having a wedding) that we never discussed just being husband and wife and what that meant or how important it was, we never discussed being partners, not just getting married. I come from a long line of divorce, it was never something that was explained in my family, it just was what it was. As I grew I learned what divorce was and how ugly it could get. I honestly cannot name one person in my family that has had a successful marriage. Sure, my mom and dad (Rusty) have been together for 23 years this August, but they aren't married. So it was incredibly important for me to make Andrew and my marriage work, even after his infidelity. I tried to hold on but I just couldn't anymore and some days that makes me feel like a failure. However, I have learned from Chris about being a partner in a relationship.... we may fight and we may make each other crazy, I have made idle threats to leave early on in our relationship, but we realized there was a problem and he was willing (even more than willing) to go with me to see a counselor to fix the issue (something Andrew was always dead set against, even after the affair when we needed it the most). We don't make it a secret that we see a counselor together, I think we are even proud of it (at least I am). Seeing a counselor doesn't mean we are failing, it means we love each other and want to be together enough that we will work hard on making sure we aren't another broken family or statistic, we WANT to work at it and make it a priority. And for that I am proud of us.
I digress, people will let me down. I know I need to be more realistic and expect my loved ones to not be perfect. If you don't screw up every now and then you are not human, right? I need to forgive myself for leaving Andrew and realize that this action does not make me a failure, it makes me human. The saying is "I'm a lover, not a fighter".... well, I am both. I am a lover by nature and I am a fighter by force. I have had to fight my entire life.....I spent six years just trying to survive, asking for no help, being knocked down and losing everything and fighting back from it, stealing and lying to survive, I have been used, lied to, cheated on, and beaten up (both in and out of romantic relationships). I, still at 31, have no idea about my paternal side of my family and probably never will because I have had to realize that the two men, one of whom is my biological father, are deadbeats who left their "real" families and kids while I got lucky enough to have a man in my life who raised me and took me in as his own and made me a fighter. I realized recently just how lucky I am to have a mom and dad who love me and are proud of me, even when I mess up. They may have made MAJOR mistakes from time to time and didn't have much to give us financially growing up but they LOVED us and taught me how to survive on my own. I have lost and sacrificed a LOT in my life, I may have dug myself into many holes, but I have always clawed my way out and landed back on my feet..... I always make the joke that I am like a cockroach, they may have a nasty reputation, but one thing is clear....... you can't kill me, you can't keep me down for long, I always come back and I'll still be here long after the smoke clears. I have learned that I am stronger than I ever imagined and I am proud that my son has a mom like me to teach him that life and people can beat you up but what matters is if you get back up!
I am beyond damaged, I am scarred deeply, I am a hot mess some days, but I am worth more than I believe most days and I am loved by some pretty amazing people. I may have few TRUE friends, but they are friends that I would do anything for because I know they've got my back too. I have a wonderful man who loves me and my son, who would do anything for us as we would him. I am a lucky girl, I didn't fail..... I gave myself a chance to start over and do it better! (and that's what I am going to do!)
I've come to realize that people are going to let me down sometimes. Maybe my expectations are too high sometimes and that causes me to be disappointed far more than I realize. I have been disappointed enough in my life that sometimes I don't realize I'm disappointed until it has been months (or sometimes even years) down the road. I have spent a lot of time in therapy talking about my expectations and why I am so angry with certain people in my life, and the truth is : I don't know if I am disappointed with them for letting me down or if I am disappointed with myself for allowing ti to happen. In the few MAJOR disappointments in my life I saw it coming but did nothing to stop it because I believed these people cared enough to stop it before it got to me. I EXPECTED them to care enough to stop it from happening, and maybe that was just too much pressure or responsibility for them to handle..... maybe it was my own responsibility in the first place and I had no business putting it off on them.
I still from time to time think about my marriage, my therapist has made it clear that I shouldn't dwell on it but I should consider what happened if I plan to marry again ( which I do, hopefully). I think Andrew and I had very different scenarios of what marriage would be and how it should be. I have said time and time again that we were too young, we had no business getting married (even if the best thing of my life came from it! e.g. Keegan) I considered this thought once before, when Erik ( my bf about 3 years ago) wanted to marry me. All he could talk about is the wedding, there was never talk about life after the wedding except when it came to kids (it was no secret that I wanted (and still want) another child). I realized during our 4th conversation about getting married (or having a wedding) that we never discussed just being husband and wife and what that meant or how important it was, we never discussed being partners, not just getting married. I come from a long line of divorce, it was never something that was explained in my family, it just was what it was. As I grew I learned what divorce was and how ugly it could get. I honestly cannot name one person in my family that has had a successful marriage. Sure, my mom and dad (Rusty) have been together for 23 years this August, but they aren't married. So it was incredibly important for me to make Andrew and my marriage work, even after his infidelity. I tried to hold on but I just couldn't anymore and some days that makes me feel like a failure. However, I have learned from Chris about being a partner in a relationship.... we may fight and we may make each other crazy, I have made idle threats to leave early on in our relationship, but we realized there was a problem and he was willing (even more than willing) to go with me to see a counselor to fix the issue (something Andrew was always dead set against, even after the affair when we needed it the most). We don't make it a secret that we see a counselor together, I think we are even proud of it (at least I am). Seeing a counselor doesn't mean we are failing, it means we love each other and want to be together enough that we will work hard on making sure we aren't another broken family or statistic, we WANT to work at it and make it a priority. And for that I am proud of us.
I digress, people will let me down. I know I need to be more realistic and expect my loved ones to not be perfect. If you don't screw up every now and then you are not human, right? I need to forgive myself for leaving Andrew and realize that this action does not make me a failure, it makes me human. The saying is "I'm a lover, not a fighter".... well, I am both. I am a lover by nature and I am a fighter by force. I have had to fight my entire life.....I spent six years just trying to survive, asking for no help, being knocked down and losing everything and fighting back from it, stealing and lying to survive, I have been used, lied to, cheated on, and beaten up (both in and out of romantic relationships). I, still at 31, have no idea about my paternal side of my family and probably never will because I have had to realize that the two men, one of whom is my biological father, are deadbeats who left their "real" families and kids while I got lucky enough to have a man in my life who raised me and took me in as his own and made me a fighter. I realized recently just how lucky I am to have a mom and dad who love me and are proud of me, even when I mess up. They may have made MAJOR mistakes from time to time and didn't have much to give us financially growing up but they LOVED us and taught me how to survive on my own. I have lost and sacrificed a LOT in my life, I may have dug myself into many holes, but I have always clawed my way out and landed back on my feet..... I always make the joke that I am like a cockroach, they may have a nasty reputation, but one thing is clear....... you can't kill me, you can't keep me down for long, I always come back and I'll still be here long after the smoke clears. I have learned that I am stronger than I ever imagined and I am proud that my son has a mom like me to teach him that life and people can beat you up but what matters is if you get back up!
I am beyond damaged, I am scarred deeply, I am a hot mess some days, but I am worth more than I believe most days and I am loved by some pretty amazing people. I may have few TRUE friends, but they are friends that I would do anything for because I know they've got my back too. I have a wonderful man who loves me and my son, who would do anything for us as we would him. I am a lucky girl, I didn't fail..... I gave myself a chance to start over and do it better! (and that's what I am going to do!)
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Everything you weren't.....
I heard a song today by Demi Lovato called "everything you're not". It sounded like a volume of my life from the previous 2 years before Chris.
"I've been bruised and I've been broken, can't believe that I've put up with all this pain. I've been used and I was choking on the promise that I would never fall again. I used to sing to your twisted symphony, the weights that had me trapped inside your misery and now I know the reason why I couldn't breathe cause all I want is everything you're not"
You still cross my mind, don't think that you don't but I know the damage you are capable of, not that I didn't know back then but I trusted you and as I have learned from the one person who HAS loved me, my past and all my therapy, I do not always have the best judgement of who to trust. Just because I think about you does not mean I want anything to do with you. I tried, I tried to be friends, but you have never realized that it is a two way street and I am tired of running both ways. Now, I can breathe and I am grateful for that.
"I've been bruised and I've been broken, can't believe that I've put up with all this pain. I've been used and I was choking on the promise that I would never fall again. I used to sing to your twisted symphony, the weights that had me trapped inside your misery and now I know the reason why I couldn't breathe cause all I want is everything you're not"
You still cross my mind, don't think that you don't but I know the damage you are capable of, not that I didn't know back then but I trusted you and as I have learned from the one person who HAS loved me, my past and all my therapy, I do not always have the best judgement of who to trust. Just because I think about you does not mean I want anything to do with you. I tried, I tried to be friends, but you have never realized that it is a two way street and I am tired of running both ways. Now, I can breathe and I am grateful for that.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
New Year, New Me
So, 2012 is just around the corner and it is time to reflect on the last year and make goals for the next. They say 2012 is the last year that is on the Mayan Calendar and that means that an apocalypse will come at the end of the year, I say "yeah right"......but what if? what if this is my last year on earth, what if this is all of our last year on earth. What would you want yours to be like. I want mine filled with quality friendship, family, success and most importantly LOVE. This last year of my life has been a roller coaster, It's had its ups and downs and scary parts. There has been a lot of uncertainty and a lot of new things for me to experience. I've spent my first full year with an amazing man who loves me more than anyone else ever has tried to. Chris and I have had our issues, but what couple doesn't? Through it all I know that he is my future and I am his. I know that no matter the difficulty he loves me and I love him enough to make it work. This last year has been a tough one, I am working on a divorce to finally set me free and I am also working on bettering myself and healing from the pain of the destruction that marriage along with all the pain of all the other trauma I have put myself or allowed myself to go through. I have hope that I will be better soon and that, my dear readers, is my goal for 2012..... to simply get better and be better to myself and those that I love.
What is your goal?
What is your goal?
Monday, October 24, 2011
there's been a lot going on lately...... Honestly, some days I don't know how I am still standing.
It's strange how certain things can set someone off. You can be standing strong for years and years and then just one day you are hit with everything like a ton of bricks. You realize your life is not going the way you expected and then you have to rethink your course. I went through 2.5 years of being seperated/ divorced and I find that in certain situations I am still not fully capable of how to deal with it (or my ex husband sometimes for that matter). I find that sometimes we can be capable of being friends and getting along like nothing ever happened between us, and then there are the time when I hold so much resentment for him that it is palatable and tangible. It's in those moments that I have to remember that the mistakes that caused our divorce gave me the chance to be with a man who loves me more than anyone else ever has. I am thankful for this and wish I could find the same thing for my best friend and my ex sister in law cause they both have been through a lot of pain and deserve to be this happy too. I often think of everyone else's happiness before my own cause that is easy, navigating my own life and happiness is not as easy. It is filled with landmines and traps, I don't know that I ever felt that I deserved to be happy, I was not put here to be selfish and keep things for myself, I was put here to give, not take. I am slowly learning how to do the latter because at 30 I have realized it is vital for me to take sometimes in order for me to survive.
I recently found out that my mother is going to have to have open heart surgery for a heart murmur she has had her whole life. It is a vital surgery because the murmur (which is really just a hole in her heart) has enlarged enough that she is having trouble sleeping and breathing. It sounds simple, they are going to have to cut her open, sew up the hole and then close her back up, But for me it is not that simple. I am absolutely terrified, I am terrified that she will die on the table and then what? I have always been scared that something would happen to her, she is all I have. I don't know my biological dad and found out 2 years ago that one of the men who could potentially be my biological father is dead, the other is no where to be found and doesn't have anything to do with the children that he does know about so I doubt he would be much different to me. My "Daddy" is a man who came into my life when I was 8 and has shaped the woman I have become. I don't know who I would be without him. I hold more respect for him than I ever have anyone for the simple fact that he cared for my grandpa when no one else could (including himself) and for that he will always have my utmost respect and love. My brothers are good guys who make mistakes and are learning how to grow up slowly. My mother has taken care of them for a long time and she's gotten good at taking care of others as she gets older, I doubt I will ever be as good as her at it and to be honest I don't want to try and find out. My mom and I have had a very difficult relationship. Growing up I wanted a mom and she wanted to be friends. I learned a lot about how to care for myself enough to survive and I never wanted her help. She did the best that she could and I rebelled against her non rules. I credit her with how I have turned out and I don't mean that I blame her. I just think I became a rule follower due to my lack of rules. I have always loved my mother but I definitely did not want her help because I was way too independent for that. Now at 30 I don't know what I would do without my mother, she is my best friend and I do not know enough to take her place in our family. I keep preparing for the worst because at least one of us is going to have to be prepared if something happens. Someone has to take care of my daddy and brothers...... All I know is that if something does happen to her this world will definitely be a less colorful place..... I love you momma.
I recently found out that my mother is going to have to have open heart surgery for a heart murmur she has had her whole life. It is a vital surgery because the murmur (which is really just a hole in her heart) has enlarged enough that she is having trouble sleeping and breathing. It sounds simple, they are going to have to cut her open, sew up the hole and then close her back up, But for me it is not that simple. I am absolutely terrified, I am terrified that she will die on the table and then what? I have always been scared that something would happen to her, she is all I have. I don't know my biological dad and found out 2 years ago that one of the men who could potentially be my biological father is dead, the other is no where to be found and doesn't have anything to do with the children that he does know about so I doubt he would be much different to me. My "Daddy" is a man who came into my life when I was 8 and has shaped the woman I have become. I don't know who I would be without him. I hold more respect for him than I ever have anyone for the simple fact that he cared for my grandpa when no one else could (including himself) and for that he will always have my utmost respect and love. My brothers are good guys who make mistakes and are learning how to grow up slowly. My mother has taken care of them for a long time and she's gotten good at taking care of others as she gets older, I doubt I will ever be as good as her at it and to be honest I don't want to try and find out. My mom and I have had a very difficult relationship. Growing up I wanted a mom and she wanted to be friends. I learned a lot about how to care for myself enough to survive and I never wanted her help. She did the best that she could and I rebelled against her non rules. I credit her with how I have turned out and I don't mean that I blame her. I just think I became a rule follower due to my lack of rules. I have always loved my mother but I definitely did not want her help because I was way too independent for that. Now at 30 I don't know what I would do without my mother, she is my best friend and I do not know enough to take her place in our family. I keep preparing for the worst because at least one of us is going to have to be prepared if something happens. Someone has to take care of my daddy and brothers...... All I know is that if something does happen to her this world will definitely be a less colorful place..... I love you momma.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
hey you! yeah, you..... can you guess the moral of this story???
I am CONSTANTLY amazed at the level of stupidity that I encounter on a daily basis (and I don't just mean at my job). I am beginning to think that it is me, I find it almost impossible that I, and a very small group of people around me, are the only ones who make any sense. I hear a question and am usually completely dumbfounded lately on how to answer without sounding like a total douche. I am beginning to wonder if the movie Idiocracy wasn't a documentary on what is going to happen. I am sorry, I just cannot live in a world where everything "craves electrolytes", I just can't do it..... :)
I just feel like I am at a point in my life where all I can ever say is "I don't care anymore, I give up, do whatever you want", It seems like no matter what I say it is not enough and will not convince anyone of anything and if I have to hear "are you 100% sure?" repeated at me again I am going to go postal and start punching people in the face. Of course I am sure, you twat! Otherwise I would have said "maybe it can be done, it looks like it can be done or it should be able to be done" but no, I said "It CAN be done" last time I checked the confidence with which I said that means that I am "100% sure"..... ugh.
Here is another thing, If you want help with something then why are you acting like a jackass? Have you ever sat there and said "I would sure like someone to call me a bunch of names and cuss at me and then ask me for help so I can feel useful...." Really?!?!?! Cussing at me and being a world class douche does not make me want to help you, it makes me LOATHE you and want to help you even less, or at least help you to the edge of a cliff before I push your dumb butt off and pray that I hear the splat when you hit the ground. Being nasty to someone trying to help you is the equivalent of being hateful and nasty to a server and expecting to get food that has not been spit in (or worse).... just doesn't happen.
I guess I just don't get people.... I just don't understand what makes some people who they are. I wonder if people think that about me, is the fact that I am so nice and accommodating a foreign concept and point of contention for the race of doucebags that I encounter regularly? I get a lot of people at work and in everyday life that are baffled by how nice I am and how far I will go to help someone that has been nice to me and then I wonder what they must think of me, is it unusal to encounter someone that will bend over backwards to help someone who is polite, respectful and not a complete idiot? Apparently it is........
Just a tip: even if you cannot see someone when you are talking to them, or just because they may hold a job that pays less than yours, or even if they hold a job you wouldn't do doesn't mean they are any less of a person than you are, it just means that maybe they are making the best out of what they have been given. just remember karma is the other white meat... it's what's for dinner.
moral of the story..... don't be a douche
I just feel like I am at a point in my life where all I can ever say is "I don't care anymore, I give up, do whatever you want", It seems like no matter what I say it is not enough and will not convince anyone of anything and if I have to hear "are you 100% sure?" repeated at me again I am going to go postal and start punching people in the face. Of course I am sure, you twat! Otherwise I would have said "maybe it can be done, it looks like it can be done or it should be able to be done" but no, I said "It CAN be done" last time I checked the confidence with which I said that means that I am "100% sure"..... ugh.
Here is another thing, If you want help with something then why are you acting like a jackass? Have you ever sat there and said "I would sure like someone to call me a bunch of names and cuss at me and then ask me for help so I can feel useful...." Really?!?!?! Cussing at me and being a world class douche does not make me want to help you, it makes me LOATHE you and want to help you even less, or at least help you to the edge of a cliff before I push your dumb butt off and pray that I hear the splat when you hit the ground. Being nasty to someone trying to help you is the equivalent of being hateful and nasty to a server and expecting to get food that has not been spit in (or worse).... just doesn't happen.
I guess I just don't get people.... I just don't understand what makes some people who they are. I wonder if people think that about me, is the fact that I am so nice and accommodating a foreign concept and point of contention for the race of doucebags that I encounter regularly? I get a lot of people at work and in everyday life that are baffled by how nice I am and how far I will go to help someone that has been nice to me and then I wonder what they must think of me, is it unusal to encounter someone that will bend over backwards to help someone who is polite, respectful and not a complete idiot? Apparently it is........
Just a tip: even if you cannot see someone when you are talking to them, or just because they may hold a job that pays less than yours, or even if they hold a job you wouldn't do doesn't mean they are any less of a person than you are, it just means that maybe they are making the best out of what they have been given. just remember karma is the other white meat... it's what's for dinner.
moral of the story..... don't be a douche
Saturday, August 6, 2011
I will not be your victim anymore. I expect respect and am finally putting my foot down.
Some of you may have seen my status the other night mentioning about someone lecturing me about my son being at a baby sitters, at home with my boyfriend or with family while I am at work. Well, this little gem came from my ex husband. Just one more attempt to break me down so that he can get whatever he wants. Well, I usually get highly offended at the sheer thought of someone even accusing me of being a bad mother because my biggest goal in life is to be the best mother I can be. So, I made a decision on my hour long drive home last night that I was gonna stop being a victim and start standing up to my ex husband. I am no longer going to let him say what he wants or make me feel bad for anything. I may have been the one to ask for the divorce and he may have been hurt by that but what he did to me and our family was way worse than any pain I ever could have caused him. Regardless of who caused who more pain I believed from day one (and made him perfectly aware) that we still needed to be friendly and respectful for our son's sake. This is when he started with the attitude, I am still not sure to this day wether he is aware that the way he has been behaving since then is disrespectful or if he just doesn't care.
I watched the way his brother treated his ex wife and the fact that he doesn't pay child support for his two children all the while he is having another baby with his girlfriend, I've heard the horror stories about his mom and dad's divorce and we both swore on the day we were married that no matter what happened we would always remain friends and we would never stoop to that level. We agreed that we would remain respectful of each other and that we would not show our child(ren) how nasty and ugly divorce could really be. I have worked hard at this and everything I do is for my child, I have worked hard to try to overcome the anger and contempt I hold for him and the things he has done so that my son can have a happy life. After his behavior recently I fear that this no longer something I can do as well as I have in the past. Now, mind you, I still will not stoop to the level of bad mouthing the man in front of my son, I will do my best to make my son respect his father and when he is old enough then it will be his choice as to his feelings toward and relationship with his father based on his own information, just like his feelings and choice of relationship with me will be hopefully of his own decision and knowledge of information. I will always do everything possible to make sure I don't do anything to make my son hold a negative impression of me because of my actions. I will always stand by my son and honor his wishes and do my best to make sure he is happy, healthy and fulfilled in life.
My ex husband has a lot of skeletons currently hiding in his closet and some of them he may not realize that I know exist. He has burned a lot of bridges that he is going to need and our co parenting relationship is one of those bridges. I have done nothing wrong, I spend every minute that I am not at work with my son when I have him, 99% of the time he is only at a sitters (usually family) when I am at work. I apologize for the fact that I have a job, but this is the same job I have held since Keegan was 4 months old, it is ultimately the same schedule I have held for nearly 4 years now. When we were married it wasn't an issue that I couldn't spend 24 hours a day with my son ( no matter how bad I wanted to), It was ok that I had a job I was at for 4-5 days a week and worked 8-10 hours a day, I wasn't considered a bad mother for it....what's changed? Only thing I can see that has changed is that I am happy with someone else and he obviously isn't (as his skeletons will show once they fall out of the closet).
I am happy, I am a good mother and my son is a well mannered little boy who is loved by so many people. I don't wake daily with the worry of someone finding me and my lies out. I go to work, I come home and I support my son. He has clothes and food, he has health insurance, he is loved and happy and always smiling. He is my life and always will be, no matter what!
I have decided I am no longer going to let you hurt me and I am not going to be a victim anymore. I am mad as hell and I am not going to take the disrespect, attitude, or mistreatment anymore. I will not be treated like this any longer.
I watched the way his brother treated his ex wife and the fact that he doesn't pay child support for his two children all the while he is having another baby with his girlfriend, I've heard the horror stories about his mom and dad's divorce and we both swore on the day we were married that no matter what happened we would always remain friends and we would never stoop to that level. We agreed that we would remain respectful of each other and that we would not show our child(ren) how nasty and ugly divorce could really be. I have worked hard at this and everything I do is for my child, I have worked hard to try to overcome the anger and contempt I hold for him and the things he has done so that my son can have a happy life. After his behavior recently I fear that this no longer something I can do as well as I have in the past. Now, mind you, I still will not stoop to the level of bad mouthing the man in front of my son, I will do my best to make my son respect his father and when he is old enough then it will be his choice as to his feelings toward and relationship with his father based on his own information, just like his feelings and choice of relationship with me will be hopefully of his own decision and knowledge of information. I will always do everything possible to make sure I don't do anything to make my son hold a negative impression of me because of my actions. I will always stand by my son and honor his wishes and do my best to make sure he is happy, healthy and fulfilled in life.
My ex husband has a lot of skeletons currently hiding in his closet and some of them he may not realize that I know exist. He has burned a lot of bridges that he is going to need and our co parenting relationship is one of those bridges. I have done nothing wrong, I spend every minute that I am not at work with my son when I have him, 99% of the time he is only at a sitters (usually family) when I am at work. I apologize for the fact that I have a job, but this is the same job I have held since Keegan was 4 months old, it is ultimately the same schedule I have held for nearly 4 years now. When we were married it wasn't an issue that I couldn't spend 24 hours a day with my son ( no matter how bad I wanted to), It was ok that I had a job I was at for 4-5 days a week and worked 8-10 hours a day, I wasn't considered a bad mother for it....what's changed? Only thing I can see that has changed is that I am happy with someone else and he obviously isn't (as his skeletons will show once they fall out of the closet).
I am happy, I am a good mother and my son is a well mannered little boy who is loved by so many people. I don't wake daily with the worry of someone finding me and my lies out. I go to work, I come home and I support my son. He has clothes and food, he has health insurance, he is loved and happy and always smiling. He is my life and always will be, no matter what!
I have decided I am no longer going to let you hurt me and I am not going to be a victim anymore. I am mad as hell and I am not going to take the disrespect, attitude, or mistreatment anymore. I will not be treated like this any longer.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)