angry!

It occured to me today just how angry I am at the two of you. You both did everything possible to destroy me, It wasn't enough for you to just hurt me, you had to go the extra mile and really rub it in to make sure I would never forget it.  I never realized you could love someone and hate them at the same time. I love you because I know who you are capable of being but I hate you for everything that you felt the need to put me through. I gave and gave and gave, I asked NOTHING in return but that just wasn't enough for you. I have dated a lot of bad people, but you were supposed to be my best friends and you were supposed to protect me, not destroy who I was. You both turned me into a person I did not  like, even after I was gone I still hate what you have turned me into. I have worked hard to be a good person and always give more than I asked for in return, I worked hard to be someone that my grandparents would be proud of and you couldn't let that happen. I have worked hard ever since you to be better and to be worthy when I should have realized I already was. I didn't need someone (let alone either of you) to make me feel that way. I was already important, I was confident and happy and a positive person. I deserved better than what you gave me and I wish I would have realized it sooner than I did. I allowed you to control me and my emotions, I was never me when I was with either of you.... I did everything possible to be who you needed.  I still sit and let you walk all over me, I generally don't tell you how I really feel about a situation because I am trying to appease you, even still I try to appease you, even after everything you did to me! I am not sure when I will finally realize that I need to stand for myself and not care about your feelings and how you will react to what I really feel and who I really am. I am in a good place but I can never fully feel good cause you never stop! one of you I know for a fact that I will never be rid of and the other I just dont know...... I gave up a long time ago and just stopped caring because I knew it would not change anything. You will never care about anyone but yourself and how you feel about a situation..... for starters you tell me you are happy for me but you aren't. If you were you would acceot being my friend and the fact that the reason that you are not more is because you nailed your own coffin shut when you spat those words in my face. I told you before I walked out that door that if you let me leave I would not be coming back. YOU LET ME WALK OUT THE DOOR AND BECAUSE OF YOUR PRIDE YOU DIDNT EVEN BOTHER CHASING ME, BECAUSE "YOU DON'T CHASE GIRLS"......the funny thing is that if you had just let me come talk to you the night I wanted to then we probably wouldn't be where we are and you would have gotten your way instead of having to fruitlessly beg me to come back. You cannot hurt me anymore, which is a weird sensation for me. don't get me wrong, you can still make me mad, but you cannot hurt me. I gave up, I walked away.... I gave you exactly what you wanted and what you had been asking for. Now you want me to come back? you say it has nothing to do with the fact that I am in love and happy but it is funny that the only time you want me back is when I am over you.  You promise that things would not be the same again, but how the fuck am I to take that and believe it when that is all it has been for 2 years?!?!?!?!  Every time I came back it was the same damn thing, you only want me when you cant have me and this has not only been a pattern with us..... but a pattern in your whole life!  you bounce from woman to woman and you are always looking for the bigger, better, deal. well, I was the best thing to ever happen to you and you thought that you would do better..... now where are you? sitting in a fucking cave and living a miserable life, working and begging me to come back.  Some days I can cry because I know what could have been if you had just not been so god damned prideful! I tried again and again to show you what could have been and you saw it, i know you did, but you figured I would waste another 12 years on my life on someone who would not see my greatness. well, that was your mistake, I spent 12 years with a man who always put me last, who walked all over me, who lied repeatedly to me and never took my side.... why would I put myself through that again. I never wanted to be another girl n your massive list, but in the end I have to just realize that this is what I became even though you have told me repeatedly that is not what I was. We both have to face facts, that's exactly what I ended up becoming. You tore apart the one friendship that I thought could never be destroyed.... when my world fell apart you were the first person I could think to call and after everything that has happened I sometimes wish I hadn't. I have spent my life trying to not regret anything I did, but somedays I regret kissing you, I regret letting us become what we became. Somedays I am grateful cause you taught me what I was worth and I was smart enough to get out before you killed me. I learned a lot from both of you, I learned that I am worth more than that and I deserve better than what you gave me, I deserve to be loved, actually loved, and not just used.  I learned just how strong I could really be, I never thought I could walk away from my life or someone I cared so much about, but I did and I am better off for it now. Neither of you were ever going to be the man I needed, I didn't need much, just normalcy and someone to actually care about me. Of course I dont know how I expected someone else to care about me when I didn't even care enough about myself to get away from the bad people who were just out to hurt me...... so I guess I am partially to blame for it too. I will never claim innocence in this situation ( either one of them) but I deserved the same treatment I gave you, and if you loved me then you would not have let me accept less than that. I have accepted far less than I deserve for far too long, if my grandfather had been alive to see the way I allowed myself to be treated he would have lost it and I am ashamed that I know he is somewhere watching me knowing that he has watched all of this and I couldn't change it before it was too late..... I lost myself somewhere and I wish I knew where and when so that I could go back and get that girl and be her again.  I wish we could all go back to when we were younger and smarter, the two boys I knew would never have done this to me, and they would be ashamed if they could see the men that they grow into.... and that girl would be ashamed of who she becomes...... I am sorry for anything I may have done to hurt either of you ( and even now I am sitting here trying to figure out why I am apologizing..... you destroyed me!) .........One of you gave me a beautiful son though and my only hope in life is that he becomes someone he can be proud of, That he can become someone better than his father could ever be...... and if I have anything to say about it he will......