It's no secret that I have a spotty relationship with my mother, It's no secret that she didn't want me and only kept me because my grandfather made her (because she's clearly told me this little tidbit of info) and it's no secret (to most people that really have known me for years) that I am on my own in this world, a virtual orphan, if you will.
I have always tried to cut her some slack and believe that she wasn't purposely putting my brothers above me. I've always said "she wasn't a bad mom, she just had a hard time, she always did the best she could", I just can't say I believe that anymore. My mother has always bent over backwards for my brothers, when I dropped out of high school she told me to "get a job and pay rent, move out or go back", I went back. My brother dropped out and she still lets him live rent free with her (although he does help with food occasionally). When I had to come back and live with her after my separation, she charged me rent.......guess who has never paid rent. I don't believe Christmas is about gifts, but when she told me that she would have to buy gifts after Christmas because she didn't have money I assumed (stupid me!) that this applied to all of us, of course when my fiancee and I showed up we realized quickly that it just meant him and I. We noticed this while my baby brother was playing a brand new PS3 and opening another gift and my other brother was opening gifts for him and his girlfriend (no surprise that I felt like a total moron). There are multiple other occsions that I could point out, but really, what's the point? My mother denies that this is the case. She is adamant that she treats us all the same and that it is all in my head. She starts the pity party and tells me about how she knows I think she is a lousy mother (even though I've never said this to anyone, including her) and how she is going to run away to Alaska, Maryland, or whatever state she thinks of in the moment.
The latest favortism? My mother did not have a cell phone, I knew she could really use one for work and such, so I asked Chris if I could add a line to his account for her, he was hesitant but agreed. I told her before buying it that it was a 2 year contract and I could not afford to pick up her part of the bill so I needed to know that she was committed to the line and would make the payments. She assured me that she would. Now, less than a year later she can no longer afford the phone and has decided she is no longer paying for it ("but will pay me once she has some extra money"). I find out tonight that she has taken over my brother's girlfriends old phone line on his account (but is supposedly just paying this month and then he is gonna pay the whole month from now on) so that he does not get stuck having to pay the ETF......WHAT?!?!?! yet, I have to either pay an ETF or a monthly bill because she can't afford it? but she can afford to pay the bill this month?! well, what about the money you owe me?! how about paying me what you owe me before you pay my brother's phone bill?!?!?!?! Am I the only one who sees what is wrong with this picture?!
I am at a loss for words, as soon as I read that in my brother's text I just started crying...... I mean, I always suspected but in the last year it has become blatent..... I know I am alone now, It doesn't really surprise me.....I've always kind of known it..... guess I've never really wanted to admit it.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
equal rights for all!
It is no surprise to people that know me that I am an open minded person that generally will speak her mind. Today, My friends, Gay marriage is being taken to the Supreme Court...... and this is a major issue..... why? you may ask......well, let's get real. It is 2013, I realize civil rights are still a pretty recent thing compared to the history of the world, or even our nation for that matter. However, I find it interesting that the same people that were yelling 40, 50, 60 years ago for freedom of blacks, women and other minority groups are some of the ones that are now yelling to keep a group of our fellow AMERICANS hindered from the same rights as the rest of us have. Has history taught us nothing? Segregation, hatred, and bullying are never the right answer.
Let's be honest, I know we all have heard some say "well, they can have civil unions, I don't mind if they are married as long as they don't CALL it marriage", but really? is the word really the issue? If the word is the real issue here then why don't all 50 states allow "civil unions" (personally, I hate that phrase, but whatever)? I don't know what leads people to believe they have ANY right to tell someone else what to do with their body, with their love and with their life. I'm not saying let's repeal laws against murder, rape, crimes against children, etc. I am just simply saying that you shouldn't have any say in who your neighbor loves or what they do with that love. If my neighbor is lesbian, gay, transgendered or transsexual then it has no bearing on how I live my day to day life, it does not automatically make them a bad person, it does not make them a murderer, it does not make them a rapist and it certainly does not make them a child molester.
I know people who have said "How do I explain to my children when they see two boys or two girls kissing?" well, that is simple...... you tell them that these two people love each other and there is nothing wrong with being in love. "how do I explain to my child when they see a man in woman's clothing?" simple you don't make a big deal about it. My son knows multiple friends of mine that are gay or lesbian, he even has seen cross dressers. We don't make a big deal out of it, it is normal for people to be different in our lives. My 5 year old son's favorite color is pink and blue, I cringe when people make a big deal when he says he wants something that is pink.... they always look at him and say "really? are you sure you don't want blue or green?", don't pigeonhole my child! If he wants a pink balloon, you give him a pink balloon! it isn't that big of a deal. If he wants a doll opposed to a dump truck, then you give him the doll. I am raising my child to be himself, not to be a "man", he likes to dance to Kesha and Katy Perry, he likes to dress up his stuffed animals, he likes to play with his kitchen set. This will not make my child gay, and even if he ends up being gay I am still gonna love him just as much as I have since the day he was born.
I hope the Supreme Court allows gay marriage, I hope they allow all Americans the same rights the rest of us have, I hope there comes a day when no one is oppressed and we can all be who we are meant to be. I pray for a day where children are not hiding in a proverbial closet out of fear that their family, friends and parents (can you imagine) will disown them. I pray for understanding. I pray for equality.......
I saw a sign today that said "Marriage is a HUMAN right, not a heterosexual privilege" and I believe that says it all......
stay kind and loving, my friends.
oh and btw, to the people who want to throw Leviticus at me......you might want to read ALL of Leviticus and make sure you are abiding by all of those rules too cause I know many of you that are not living the life or abiding by the rules that you expect the rest of us to live and follow. Being a good christian means that you live with grace, not bigotry.
Let's be honest, I know we all have heard some say "well, they can have civil unions, I don't mind if they are married as long as they don't CALL it marriage", but really? is the word really the issue? If the word is the real issue here then why don't all 50 states allow "civil unions" (personally, I hate that phrase, but whatever)? I don't know what leads people to believe they have ANY right to tell someone else what to do with their body, with their love and with their life. I'm not saying let's repeal laws against murder, rape, crimes against children, etc. I am just simply saying that you shouldn't have any say in who your neighbor loves or what they do with that love. If my neighbor is lesbian, gay, transgendered or transsexual then it has no bearing on how I live my day to day life, it does not automatically make them a bad person, it does not make them a murderer, it does not make them a rapist and it certainly does not make them a child molester.
I know people who have said "How do I explain to my children when they see two boys or two girls kissing?" well, that is simple...... you tell them that these two people love each other and there is nothing wrong with being in love. "how do I explain to my child when they see a man in woman's clothing?" simple you don't make a big deal about it. My son knows multiple friends of mine that are gay or lesbian, he even has seen cross dressers. We don't make a big deal out of it, it is normal for people to be different in our lives. My 5 year old son's favorite color is pink and blue, I cringe when people make a big deal when he says he wants something that is pink.... they always look at him and say "really? are you sure you don't want blue or green?", don't pigeonhole my child! If he wants a pink balloon, you give him a pink balloon! it isn't that big of a deal. If he wants a doll opposed to a dump truck, then you give him the doll. I am raising my child to be himself, not to be a "man", he likes to dance to Kesha and Katy Perry, he likes to dress up his stuffed animals, he likes to play with his kitchen set. This will not make my child gay, and even if he ends up being gay I am still gonna love him just as much as I have since the day he was born.
I hope the Supreme Court allows gay marriage, I hope they allow all Americans the same rights the rest of us have, I hope there comes a day when no one is oppressed and we can all be who we are meant to be. I pray for a day where children are not hiding in a proverbial closet out of fear that their family, friends and parents (can you imagine) will disown them. I pray for understanding. I pray for equality.......
I saw a sign today that said "Marriage is a HUMAN right, not a heterosexual privilege" and I believe that says it all......
stay kind and loving, my friends.
oh and btw, to the people who want to throw Leviticus at me......you might want to read ALL of Leviticus and make sure you are abiding by all of those rules too cause I know many of you that are not living the life or abiding by the rules that you expect the rest of us to live and follow. Being a good christian means that you live with grace, not bigotry.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Donna's day
Almost a year ago I was surfing around on Facebook and one of the bloggers I followed introduced me to Mary Tyler Mom. Mary Tyler Mom is a blogger from Chicago, she is a mother, a writer, a wife, a damn funny person, a brave woman and a damn WARRIOR. In March 2007, Her baby (20 month old) Donna was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumor. This baby went through 31 months of treatment with the normal ups and downs that any cancer patient would go through, except this was a baby girl. Donna died on October 19th, 2009 at just slightly over 4 years old.......let that sink in for a minute, just slightly over 4 years old. As humans we see death daily, in our families, on television and in movies, in video games and even on the nightly news, but when it is a child, a CHILD, that's when it hits you hardest.
Now, I am a mother and I have never lost a child, but I can't even imagine. This woman is a god dang warrior, possibly one of the strongest, most inspiring people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing (even if it is just through the Internet). She is a soldier in the army of parents who have lost the most important thing to them and I salute her. Being a mother is THE hardest job any woman will ever have, it is also the most rewarding. They say that having a child is like living with your heart walking around outside of your body, and I believe that is 100% true.
I could not even begin to understand or fathom that kind of loss. I worry so much about my son all the time, even when I know he is in a safe place. He's 5, it's my job to protect him and love him, but how do you protect your child from something you can't see, how do you protect your child from something like cancer? I can't even pretend to understand the emotions and fear that this family went through, especially this mom. We all love our babies, but as a mom you have a connection with that baby on a whole different level, that baby was a part of you, is a part of you. They live inside you for 9 months, you feed them, you protect them and then you deliver them out into a dangerous world, for that alone we are Strong, to lose a child to death (regardless of the reason) makes you a damn warrior.
Today is Donna's day, and I for one am glad I know her story and am glad I know her momma. I am proud to know her momma and to have read that story, I may have cried like a baby during it (and we are not talking a pretty cry, we are talking full on snotty, ugly face cry), but it has made me love my child more and take less for granted. Take a read and it'll change your life. Donna, I may not know you personally but, good gosh, I love you (and your momma).
Please take time to read this wonderful writing and amazing story @ http://www.chicagonow.com/mary-tyler-mom
Now, I am a mother and I have never lost a child, but I can't even imagine. This woman is a god dang warrior, possibly one of the strongest, most inspiring people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing (even if it is just through the Internet). She is a soldier in the army of parents who have lost the most important thing to them and I salute her. Being a mother is THE hardest job any woman will ever have, it is also the most rewarding. They say that having a child is like living with your heart walking around outside of your body, and I believe that is 100% true.
I could not even begin to understand or fathom that kind of loss. I worry so much about my son all the time, even when I know he is in a safe place. He's 5, it's my job to protect him and love him, but how do you protect your child from something you can't see, how do you protect your child from something like cancer? I can't even pretend to understand the emotions and fear that this family went through, especially this mom. We all love our babies, but as a mom you have a connection with that baby on a whole different level, that baby was a part of you, is a part of you. They live inside you for 9 months, you feed them, you protect them and then you deliver them out into a dangerous world, for that alone we are Strong, to lose a child to death (regardless of the reason) makes you a damn warrior.
Today is Donna's day, and I for one am glad I know her story and am glad I know her momma. I am proud to know her momma and to have read that story, I may have cried like a baby during it (and we are not talking a pretty cry, we are talking full on snotty, ugly face cry), but it has made me love my child more and take less for granted. Take a read and it'll change your life. Donna, I may not know you personally but, good gosh, I love you (and your momma).
Please take time to read this wonderful writing and amazing story @ http://www.chicagonow.com/mary-tyler-mom
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
a whole new world....
So yesterday was the beginning to my second week in this new world called College. I am currently attending Maple Woods Community College to get my associates in Business/ Accounting. It's definitely been a different experience. I have spent the last 7 months doing whatever I wanted when I wanted, waking up when I wanted (with the exception of when Keegs woke me up) and not necessarily being responsible for much during the day as far as being on a schedule (with the exception of nap time lol). Now I am back on a schedule, having to be up between 7-8 in the AM, which is not cooperating with my love of being up late each night. I am responsible for not only getting myself to school on time but getting Keegs to school every other week and planning my afternoons for homework before I pick him up because once I pick him up I don't get a lot of homework done until he's in bed for the evening.
I am finding that I am having to get a lot accomplished in a small amount of time and having to learn again how to compartmentalize a lot of my life. I took on a bit much to begin with, but I am a strong, determined woman and have no doubt that I will succeed. I tend to stress a lot when under a deadline, but I also thrive under pressure. So while I know I am looking at a lot of work, I am excited for the amount of work. I hope my feelings on that don't change as the semester goes on.
I have also noticed a big change in my moods. My last few weeks before school started I noticed I was having a lot of impatience, temperamental moods and lash outs. I was not happy no matter what I did during the day, I would get cranky extremely easily and I would just want to be left alone or sleep. My depression was hitting hard and I felt bad for how I was behaving at home towards Chris and Keegs. I started taking my meds again, hoping it would help my moods. It worked like a charm, I was "artificially happy" for those last few weeks and things started to get back to normal. Before the meds I just felt like I was trapped, I rarely left the apartment, wouldn't want to clean the apartment, and just felt worthless. I could tell Chris was getting frustrated with me, although he never stated this. I can tell when my depression is getting to him. He never comes out and says anything, he never acts out towards me, he just lets me be until I get to a point where I can vocalize it. I spend a lot of time apologizing, but he is amazing and never makes me feel bad about it. He has learned when not to badger me about whether I am "okay" or not. He is amazing and I cannot state that enough.
I find that being out of the house is a help, I enjoy going to the library, the student center, even going to class. I have since stopped taking the meds because I feel genuinely happy. I still have my moments where I am cranky because my math problem isn't working out, or I don't understand my accounting class work, but I find that I tend to rebound from the anxiety and frustration better than I used to.
I am excited to see where I am headed, where my family is headed and what is waiting for us at the end of this path and the beginning of the next one. Until then I am just going to continue to take it day by day and continue to enjoy my days at school and nights with my guys (Chris and Keegs). They are the best support system I could ever ask for, they make me a better woman and I couldn't do this with out them. I love them more than they will ever know.
I am finding that I am having to get a lot accomplished in a small amount of time and having to learn again how to compartmentalize a lot of my life. I took on a bit much to begin with, but I am a strong, determined woman and have no doubt that I will succeed. I tend to stress a lot when under a deadline, but I also thrive under pressure. So while I know I am looking at a lot of work, I am excited for the amount of work. I hope my feelings on that don't change as the semester goes on.
I have also noticed a big change in my moods. My last few weeks before school started I noticed I was having a lot of impatience, temperamental moods and lash outs. I was not happy no matter what I did during the day, I would get cranky extremely easily and I would just want to be left alone or sleep. My depression was hitting hard and I felt bad for how I was behaving at home towards Chris and Keegs. I started taking my meds again, hoping it would help my moods. It worked like a charm, I was "artificially happy" for those last few weeks and things started to get back to normal. Before the meds I just felt like I was trapped, I rarely left the apartment, wouldn't want to clean the apartment, and just felt worthless. I could tell Chris was getting frustrated with me, although he never stated this. I can tell when my depression is getting to him. He never comes out and says anything, he never acts out towards me, he just lets me be until I get to a point where I can vocalize it. I spend a lot of time apologizing, but he is amazing and never makes me feel bad about it. He has learned when not to badger me about whether I am "okay" or not. He is amazing and I cannot state that enough.
I find that being out of the house is a help, I enjoy going to the library, the student center, even going to class. I have since stopped taking the meds because I feel genuinely happy. I still have my moments where I am cranky because my math problem isn't working out, or I don't understand my accounting class work, but I find that I tend to rebound from the anxiety and frustration better than I used to.
I am excited to see where I am headed, where my family is headed and what is waiting for us at the end of this path and the beginning of the next one. Until then I am just going to continue to take it day by day and continue to enjoy my days at school and nights with my guys (Chris and Keegs). They are the best support system I could ever ask for, they make me a better woman and I couldn't do this with out them. I love them more than they will ever know.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
23 years later.....
"Weather man said it’s gonna snow
By now I should be used to the cold.
Living alone here in this place
I think of you, and I’m not afraid
Your favorite records make me feel better
Cause you sing along
With every song
I know you didn’t mean to give them to me
But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you
It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone"
-Over You (Miranda Lambert)
23 years ago the most important man I have ever known left us. My grandfather is the reason I am who I am. He was a hard worker, he was a hero, he taught me to be compassionate and to always believe in the good. I am sure he had his flaws, but at 8 years old I couldn't tell you what they were. I have spent every day since December 19th, 1989 trying to make him proud. Most people who know me know that I do not know my biological dad. I have a great man who has been my father for 23 years now, however, my first "Dad" was my grandfather. He was my everything as a child, his outlook has been what I have based my life on. My fondest memory was the day that he pulled me aside and told me "Amber, there is good everywhere, you just have to find it." He would point out "The good" to me when we were certain places. Even to this day I alwasy look for the "good" in any situation I am in, I can't help it, it's ingrained in me. I could go on and on, but, I'm trying to not break down and cry, I've done that enough today.......
I will say, I didn't know it at 8 years old, but I was blessed to have even just one day with this man. I am blessed to say everyday that I am Harry Claude Searles' granddaughter. I was cherished and loved by an amazing man and everyday I cherish his memory and legacy that continues to live in me. I Love You and I miss you everyday.
By now I should be used to the cold.
Living alone here in this place
I think of you, and I’m not afraid
Your favorite records make me feel better
Cause you sing along
With every song
I know you didn’t mean to give them to me
But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you
It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone"
-Over You (Miranda Lambert)
23 years ago the most important man I have ever known left us. My grandfather is the reason I am who I am. He was a hard worker, he was a hero, he taught me to be compassionate and to always believe in the good. I am sure he had his flaws, but at 8 years old I couldn't tell you what they were. I have spent every day since December 19th, 1989 trying to make him proud. Most people who know me know that I do not know my biological dad. I have a great man who has been my father for 23 years now, however, my first "Dad" was my grandfather. He was my everything as a child, his outlook has been what I have based my life on. My fondest memory was the day that he pulled me aside and told me "Amber, there is good everywhere, you just have to find it." He would point out "The good" to me when we were certain places. Even to this day I alwasy look for the "good" in any situation I am in, I can't help it, it's ingrained in me. I could go on and on, but, I'm trying to not break down and cry, I've done that enough today.......
I will say, I didn't know it at 8 years old, but I was blessed to have even just one day with this man. I am blessed to say everyday that I am Harry Claude Searles' granddaughter. I was cherished and loved by an amazing man and everyday I cherish his memory and legacy that continues to live in me. I Love You and I miss you everyday.
Friday, December 14, 2012
how do you explain evil?
How do you explain evil? Today I held my son close and explained to him that his daddy, I, Andrea and Chris love him more than anything in the world. I (like most of the world) watched in horror as children were reported missing or dead. I cried with President Obama when he gave his speech, I cried for the poor, precious, scared kids, I cried for the teachers who were trying desperately to protect their kiddos, I cried for the teachers who dies trying to protect their kiddos and I cried for the families who lost children and adult loved ones alike.
I couldn't imagine a day without my child being around. I couldn't imagine burying him or spending the rest of my life wondering "what might have been", wondering who he would have became, wondering the good he could have done, wondering the kind of parent he would have been. These poor kids lost so much and their families lost just as much, if not more. I can't imagine moving on, I can't imagine waking up tomorrow morning knowing he was gone. I wouldn't get out of bed, I wouldn't be able to look in the mirror.
Our jobs as parents is to keep our kids safe, its to teach them how to grow and be good people. So, How do we explain horrendous days like these??? My son is 5, He is exceptionally curious at this age, he knows who the President is and he knows what sad is, therefore when he saw me crying with President Obama his first question was "Mommy, why are you and the President crying? what's he saying?" I said "Sometimes bad things happen, sometimes there are bad people in this world that hurt people for no reason. This morning there were a lot of kids hurt because of a bad man.". Keegan looked at me and said " I am sorry the bad man made you cry, Mommy.... I love you." I couldn't do anything but hug him and tell him I loved him too knowing full and well that there were parents on the east coast that would not have this comfort tonight.
I've known for a long time that there was evil in this world. I knew way before I should have that there were bad people and that they did bad things. I have always lived my life being the best person I could because I wanted to believe that for each good thing I did it stopped one evil thing from happening......... My faith in that is running thin though. I would like to believe it still works that way but I am not a child and I am not naive. I think we just have too much evil in this world and the good cannot overcome it anymore. People spend so much time putting others down (I've been guilty of this myself, I'm not perfect), they spend time hurting each other for petty reasons and pushing others down just to prove they are right........
I live my life by the premise of being kind and graceful to everyone. I work hard at being kind, it doesn't cost anything, you don't lose anything by being kind. try it..........
I couldn't imagine a day without my child being around. I couldn't imagine burying him or spending the rest of my life wondering "what might have been", wondering who he would have became, wondering the good he could have done, wondering the kind of parent he would have been. These poor kids lost so much and their families lost just as much, if not more. I can't imagine moving on, I can't imagine waking up tomorrow morning knowing he was gone. I wouldn't get out of bed, I wouldn't be able to look in the mirror.
Our jobs as parents is to keep our kids safe, its to teach them how to grow and be good people. So, How do we explain horrendous days like these??? My son is 5, He is exceptionally curious at this age, he knows who the President is and he knows what sad is, therefore when he saw me crying with President Obama his first question was "Mommy, why are you and the President crying? what's he saying?" I said "Sometimes bad things happen, sometimes there are bad people in this world that hurt people for no reason. This morning there were a lot of kids hurt because of a bad man.". Keegan looked at me and said " I am sorry the bad man made you cry, Mommy.... I love you." I couldn't do anything but hug him and tell him I loved him too knowing full and well that there were parents on the east coast that would not have this comfort tonight.
I've known for a long time that there was evil in this world. I knew way before I should have that there were bad people and that they did bad things. I have always lived my life being the best person I could because I wanted to believe that for each good thing I did it stopped one evil thing from happening......... My faith in that is running thin though. I would like to believe it still works that way but I am not a child and I am not naive. I think we just have too much evil in this world and the good cannot overcome it anymore. People spend so much time putting others down (I've been guilty of this myself, I'm not perfect), they spend time hurting each other for petty reasons and pushing others down just to prove they are right........
I live my life by the premise of being kind and graceful to everyone. I work hard at being kind, it doesn't cost anything, you don't lose anything by being kind. try it..........
Monday, July 9, 2012
Wide Awake.....
" And now it's clear to me that everything you see ain't always what it seems, I was dreaming so long. I wish I knew then what I know now, wouldn't dive in, wouldn't bow down. Gravity hurts, you made it so sweet, til I woke up on, on the concrete......I'm wide awake, not losing any sleep, I picked up every piece, and landed on my feet.......God knows that I tried seeing the bright side, but I'm not blind anymore... I'm Wide Awake" Thank you Katy Perry.
I've come to realize that people are going to let me down sometimes. Maybe my expectations are too high sometimes and that causes me to be disappointed far more than I realize. I have been disappointed enough in my life that sometimes I don't realize I'm disappointed until it has been months (or sometimes even years) down the road. I have spent a lot of time in therapy talking about my expectations and why I am so angry with certain people in my life, and the truth is : I don't know if I am disappointed with them for letting me down or if I am disappointed with myself for allowing ti to happen. In the few MAJOR disappointments in my life I saw it coming but did nothing to stop it because I believed these people cared enough to stop it before it got to me. I EXPECTED them to care enough to stop it from happening, and maybe that was just too much pressure or responsibility for them to handle..... maybe it was my own responsibility in the first place and I had no business putting it off on them.
I still from time to time think about my marriage, my therapist has made it clear that I shouldn't dwell on it but I should consider what happened if I plan to marry again ( which I do, hopefully). I think Andrew and I had very different scenarios of what marriage would be and how it should be. I have said time and time again that we were too young, we had no business getting married (even if the best thing of my life came from it! e.g. Keegan) I considered this thought once before, when Erik ( my bf about 3 years ago) wanted to marry me. All he could talk about is the wedding, there was never talk about life after the wedding except when it came to kids (it was no secret that I wanted (and still want) another child). I realized during our 4th conversation about getting married (or having a wedding) that we never discussed just being husband and wife and what that meant or how important it was, we never discussed being partners, not just getting married. I come from a long line of divorce, it was never something that was explained in my family, it just was what it was. As I grew I learned what divorce was and how ugly it could get. I honestly cannot name one person in my family that has had a successful marriage. Sure, my mom and dad (Rusty) have been together for 23 years this August, but they aren't married. So it was incredibly important for me to make Andrew and my marriage work, even after his infidelity. I tried to hold on but I just couldn't anymore and some days that makes me feel like a failure. However, I have learned from Chris about being a partner in a relationship.... we may fight and we may make each other crazy, I have made idle threats to leave early on in our relationship, but we realized there was a problem and he was willing (even more than willing) to go with me to see a counselor to fix the issue (something Andrew was always dead set against, even after the affair when we needed it the most). We don't make it a secret that we see a counselor together, I think we are even proud of it (at least I am). Seeing a counselor doesn't mean we are failing, it means we love each other and want to be together enough that we will work hard on making sure we aren't another broken family or statistic, we WANT to work at it and make it a priority. And for that I am proud of us.
I digress, people will let me down. I know I need to be more realistic and expect my loved ones to not be perfect. If you don't screw up every now and then you are not human, right? I need to forgive myself for leaving Andrew and realize that this action does not make me a failure, it makes me human. The saying is "I'm a lover, not a fighter".... well, I am both. I am a lover by nature and I am a fighter by force. I have had to fight my entire life.....I spent six years just trying to survive, asking for no help, being knocked down and losing everything and fighting back from it, stealing and lying to survive, I have been used, lied to, cheated on, and beaten up (both in and out of romantic relationships). I, still at 31, have no idea about my paternal side of my family and probably never will because I have had to realize that the two men, one of whom is my biological father, are deadbeats who left their "real" families and kids while I got lucky enough to have a man in my life who raised me and took me in as his own and made me a fighter. I realized recently just how lucky I am to have a mom and dad who love me and are proud of me, even when I mess up. They may have made MAJOR mistakes from time to time and didn't have much to give us financially growing up but they LOVED us and taught me how to survive on my own. I have lost and sacrificed a LOT in my life, I may have dug myself into many holes, but I have always clawed my way out and landed back on my feet..... I always make the joke that I am like a cockroach, they may have a nasty reputation, but one thing is clear....... you can't kill me, you can't keep me down for long, I always come back and I'll still be here long after the smoke clears. I have learned that I am stronger than I ever imagined and I am proud that my son has a mom like me to teach him that life and people can beat you up but what matters is if you get back up!
I am beyond damaged, I am scarred deeply, I am a hot mess some days, but I am worth more than I believe most days and I am loved by some pretty amazing people. I may have few TRUE friends, but they are friends that I would do anything for because I know they've got my back too. I have a wonderful man who loves me and my son, who would do anything for us as we would him. I am a lucky girl, I didn't fail..... I gave myself a chance to start over and do it better! (and that's what I am going to do!)
I've come to realize that people are going to let me down sometimes. Maybe my expectations are too high sometimes and that causes me to be disappointed far more than I realize. I have been disappointed enough in my life that sometimes I don't realize I'm disappointed until it has been months (or sometimes even years) down the road. I have spent a lot of time in therapy talking about my expectations and why I am so angry with certain people in my life, and the truth is : I don't know if I am disappointed with them for letting me down or if I am disappointed with myself for allowing ti to happen. In the few MAJOR disappointments in my life I saw it coming but did nothing to stop it because I believed these people cared enough to stop it before it got to me. I EXPECTED them to care enough to stop it from happening, and maybe that was just too much pressure or responsibility for them to handle..... maybe it was my own responsibility in the first place and I had no business putting it off on them.
I still from time to time think about my marriage, my therapist has made it clear that I shouldn't dwell on it but I should consider what happened if I plan to marry again ( which I do, hopefully). I think Andrew and I had very different scenarios of what marriage would be and how it should be. I have said time and time again that we were too young, we had no business getting married (even if the best thing of my life came from it! e.g. Keegan) I considered this thought once before, when Erik ( my bf about 3 years ago) wanted to marry me. All he could talk about is the wedding, there was never talk about life after the wedding except when it came to kids (it was no secret that I wanted (and still want) another child). I realized during our 4th conversation about getting married (or having a wedding) that we never discussed just being husband and wife and what that meant or how important it was, we never discussed being partners, not just getting married. I come from a long line of divorce, it was never something that was explained in my family, it just was what it was. As I grew I learned what divorce was and how ugly it could get. I honestly cannot name one person in my family that has had a successful marriage. Sure, my mom and dad (Rusty) have been together for 23 years this August, but they aren't married. So it was incredibly important for me to make Andrew and my marriage work, even after his infidelity. I tried to hold on but I just couldn't anymore and some days that makes me feel like a failure. However, I have learned from Chris about being a partner in a relationship.... we may fight and we may make each other crazy, I have made idle threats to leave early on in our relationship, but we realized there was a problem and he was willing (even more than willing) to go with me to see a counselor to fix the issue (something Andrew was always dead set against, even after the affair when we needed it the most). We don't make it a secret that we see a counselor together, I think we are even proud of it (at least I am). Seeing a counselor doesn't mean we are failing, it means we love each other and want to be together enough that we will work hard on making sure we aren't another broken family or statistic, we WANT to work at it and make it a priority. And for that I am proud of us.
I digress, people will let me down. I know I need to be more realistic and expect my loved ones to not be perfect. If you don't screw up every now and then you are not human, right? I need to forgive myself for leaving Andrew and realize that this action does not make me a failure, it makes me human. The saying is "I'm a lover, not a fighter".... well, I am both. I am a lover by nature and I am a fighter by force. I have had to fight my entire life.....I spent six years just trying to survive, asking for no help, being knocked down and losing everything and fighting back from it, stealing and lying to survive, I have been used, lied to, cheated on, and beaten up (both in and out of romantic relationships). I, still at 31, have no idea about my paternal side of my family and probably never will because I have had to realize that the two men, one of whom is my biological father, are deadbeats who left their "real" families and kids while I got lucky enough to have a man in my life who raised me and took me in as his own and made me a fighter. I realized recently just how lucky I am to have a mom and dad who love me and are proud of me, even when I mess up. They may have made MAJOR mistakes from time to time and didn't have much to give us financially growing up but they LOVED us and taught me how to survive on my own. I have lost and sacrificed a LOT in my life, I may have dug myself into many holes, but I have always clawed my way out and landed back on my feet..... I always make the joke that I am like a cockroach, they may have a nasty reputation, but one thing is clear....... you can't kill me, you can't keep me down for long, I always come back and I'll still be here long after the smoke clears. I have learned that I am stronger than I ever imagined and I am proud that my son has a mom like me to teach him that life and people can beat you up but what matters is if you get back up!
I am beyond damaged, I am scarred deeply, I am a hot mess some days, but I am worth more than I believe most days and I am loved by some pretty amazing people. I may have few TRUE friends, but they are friends that I would do anything for because I know they've got my back too. I have a wonderful man who loves me and my son, who would do anything for us as we would him. I am a lucky girl, I didn't fail..... I gave myself a chance to start over and do it better! (and that's what I am going to do!)
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