I've made mistakes in my life. I've let people take advantage of me & accepted way less then I deserve. But, I have learned from my bad choices & even though there are some things I can never get back & people who will never be sorry, I'll know better next time & will not settle for anything less then I deserve! ♥ --This was a facebook status by one of my friends and it got me thinking.
I have absolutely made bad choices, they finally led me to an amazing place though. I've let people take advantage of me and treat me badly, and occasionally there were people that I let do this more than once. I have accepted completely abhorrent behavior, because I loved someone or truly believed that I didn't deserve anything other than that. I know better now.
I've made three major choices in men lately and each is very different in comparison. Andrew, Phil and Chris....
There was Andrew, my ex husband, friend, and father of my son. Andrew and I just couldn't make it work... We did have a few good years and then we just weren't good together anymore. We were convinced that we loved each other enough to make it work and we tried....for a long time, we tried. After about 5 years I don't think either of us was happy anymore, but we held on for many more years. I think we were both just scared to be on our own. We had grown up together, we had been through so much together, we had learned so many lessons together and had such an intertwined life in every aspect that we just didn't think there was any other option. Neither of us knew how to let go and walk away. Andrew finally found a way to drive us apart and when we started to fix that, I found another, more final way. We both waited to walk away until it was too far gone to do anything else, we made bad choices and hurt each other, we didn't feel we had any other choice, I guess. The seperation over the last two years has been painful at times, and we have fought more times than I can count, and really I think it is because we still care about what happens to each other and we still care for each other. We just know it's never going to work and we are not good for each other or our son. Keegan deserves better than that, and so do we. We have recently found a way to be friends again and I am grateful for that, I love him, but I am not in love with him and I think he feels the same. He will always be my friend and partner in raising our son, we have created a strange yet functional family for our son and I for one am proud of the family that we have created for him. A lot of people don't understand the dynamic of Drew and my relationship, and that's ok. We know it is unconventional. but that is just who Drew and I have been, unconventional.
Then, there is Phil. Phil was my best friend, my protector, my shoulder to cry on. We would have done anything for each other. Then I found that I was falling for him and I thought he was falling for me, I will never know if that is true or not. I know he cares about me, but with all the "hot and cold" behavior over the on and off relationship of almost two years, I will never know the truth and that makes me sad that he couldn't just open up and show me himself in that aspect. Phil has ever learned how to love, in my opinion. Maybe he never believed he was loved, or was never able to see when someone loved him, I don't know but I hope one day he does see it and can love someone...... he deserves that. I have worked hard to put us back in the friends category and forgive him of the things he did to hurt me, it gets easier day by day. A lot of people don't understand why I try to hold on to our friendship after everything and all the heartbreak that has happened, but I understand it. He has been a huge chunk of my life and I don't want to lose that, it would be like losing a limb. I hope this can be fixed and we can be friends again, and we are getting there...with careful steps and time. We just might surprise everyone.
And Chris..... What can I say about a man, who has in a short month completely changed my life. I have spent so much time LOOKING for love, only to be let down, hurt, bruised, beaten and heartbroken. I have always been told that it would just happen and I never believed it would happen to me, maybe others, but not me. I don't think either of us had any idea what would happen when he kissed me that night and asked me to dinner the next day, but we are both amazed every day by this love that has just happened. I have never met a man that fascinates me as much as he does. He talks and I just can't stop listening cause I can't even imagine what the next thing he is going to say is. I love the way his mind works cause it is so similar to mine in some ways and yet so different at the same time. I love the fact that he wants me and it's because of who I am, not any other reason. He gets me, that has never happened before and it is the one thing I have always wanted. I don't think anyone in my life has ever fully just understood me and who I am, but he does. I can't wait to see what happens in the coming years and see where we end up. He is my happy ending and I couldn't imagine a better person to fill that space.
Each of these men hold a special place in my heart and it is for good reason that they are the three that play some of the most important parts in my life. Yes, I have been let down and taken advantage of in my life, but each time was a lesson and I've learned a lot in 29 years. I wouldn't trade any of the bad times in my life, I wouldn't be who I am or where I am without the bad times. I have learned that you can't have the good without the bad, you can't fully apprieciate love until you have been heartbroken, and you can't apprieciate being treated right until you have been treated badly. I am who I am, I like me, I am blessed every day to have the people in my life that I do and to have experienced what I have. Not everything in life is good, but it is all worth it. It took me 29 years to learn this and I am proud to say that I finally have.
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