I had no idea I was so expendable.......

It has been a while since I blogged and I have been thinking I need to do it more lately. I have been incredibly stressed lately over many issues. Money being number one, I have had this irrational fear of not being able to take care of Keegan since the day he was born. There were issues with my ex husband that made me fearful that the day would come where I would not have money for diapers/ formula/ food or anything else Keegs would need. There was a day when I was home alone with Keegs right after he was born and I made him a promise that no matter what mommy would ALWAYS make sure he had anything and everything he would need in life and I would do whatever I had to do to make sure that this promise to him was never broken for any reason. So, needless to say I tend to get a tad worried (ok a lot worried) and very difficult to deal with or be around for certain people who are extrememly close to me. I tend to lash out (usually from lack of sleep) and I tend to clam up and shut others out. In the past I usually have not felt bad about this because the people around me were either part of the reason for the stress or they were not presenting a solution to the issue. These days I have been excruciatingly lucky to have a good man in my life that I have taken this frustration and stress out on and while I realize I shouldn't be taking it out on him, I do it without realizing I am doing it......Chris, I am incredibly ashamed and extremely sorry for my actions when it comes to that and I promise to you to try not to act this way towards you anymore.

I also have realized in the last week just how much ANGER I have towards certain people in my life, particulary my ex husband. We have been seperated for almost 3 years now and I thought I had dealt with all my anger but apparently not. I hold no ill will against him for the mistakes he made, but on the flip side of that I am very angry with him for the mistakes he has made (at least the ones that affected me and Keegan so drastically). I find it a hard line to walk to be soooooo very angry with him while I am soooo happy with my current life. So dear reader, here is my question to you.....How do you let go of so much anger for what was done to you against your will so that you can be happy with your future? I have spent a looooooong time blaming myself for what happened, I just realized in this last year (with the help of a good friend, an amazing boyfriend, and a therapist) that what he did was NOT my fault. He did what he did because HE didn't care and was being incredibly selfish. I CANNOT continue to live in the shadow of HIS mistakes. He screwed up, not me. Mind you, I made my mistakes and I have apologized 10 ways from sunday for those, but none of them did anywhere near the damage as the two mistakes that ended our marriage. I fulfilled my duties as a good wife and a good mother and I will continue to be a good mother for my son's sake alone. My son is my world and NOTHING will ever be more important than him, EVER. I made it a point the day I asked for a divorce to not take the easy way out and to not show my son just how ugly divorce can be. I have been side tracked by my anger on occasion and posted or said things I should not have, I am not sorry for my outbursts but I will try to be better about that for my son's benefit. I have actually been doing my best while typing this to not lower myself into the anger pit inside me and say the things my anger is really screaming in my head. He may NEVER know the full spectrum of the damage his actions caused, I just hope he has learned from his mistakes. Drew, If you read this... I hope you realize I blog about this not to give you a bad name, but because I need to get it out. I don't hate you but I am absolutely furious with you most days and I hope you understand why. I realize you will forever be a part of my life because of Keegan and I respect you as his father, I just wish you would do the same for me.

Another person who hurt me considerably lately is two very close "friends" of mine. I say "friends" with the quotations because in my mind what they did to me was so heinous that I don't know that they ever considered me a friend, nor do I know if I will ever be able to forgive it. I am not going to go too far into specifics because I have no reason to bust them out publicly. They know what they did and I have confronted both of them about it in private. My question is how do you be so selfish to hurt someone so bad after you have been friends for 15 years?! One of them has assured me that it was not anything I did, it was just a selfish action on their part, but how do you just destroy someone's trust in you so badly, especially when that person would have bent over backwards to help you anytime you needed it. How do you do that to someone who would stand up against everyone and everything to defend you when you need it?

I have learned that when you are a good person it is easy to surround yourself with shitty people who are selfish and could care less about you. Too many people out there are looking for an easy target or scapegoat, and as naive as I am I have always been way to willing to be what they need cause I wanted them to like me, love me, be my friend, etc. No amount of caring on my end can make someone care about my feelings, I cannot force people to like me, they have to do it because they genuinely care about me and my feelings. They have to genuinely care about the friendship or relationship, and I guess that just wasn't the case with my ex husband and these two others. these three people were my support system and the three people I felt that I could trust more than anyone in the world for so long. I had no idea they would be the ones to tear me down at my weakest points. I had no idea my feelings and I were so expendable.......