Couldn't even muster a goodbye, could you?

Dear Mother,

                  I just turned 35, I am sure you would know that if you had remembered my birthday. At this point in my life I thought I had finally given up on you and gotten over the resentment, hurt, and bitterness that I have for you, but I don't know if I ever will. I believe the reason I will never get over this is because I am a mother now. I don't see how you gave up on your child before you even knew her, I don't see how you pretend that my life was ever anything normal after the people who raised me died, I don't see how you denied me the chance to say good bye to those people knowing good and well how much I loved them and how much they loved me. I also fail to see how you spend years trying to be my friend while I tried to be the adult because *someone* had to be. You put the fear of God into us that if we were honest about our home life that we would end up in worse places when you never wanted me anyway.

                My son is 8, at 8 I was never as free as he is. I was never a child, I never realized how much you truly took from me until he hit 8 years old. It kills me, It breaks my heart and at the same time I see how strong it has made me and I thank you. I thank you for not being there, I thank you for showing me that the only person in my world that I was able to truly rely on was myself, I thank you for telling me that you never wanted me and how my grandparents only raised me out of pity and never truly loved me because it showed me your character and that not only were you selfish, but you were also vindictive and gave no fucks about who you hurt. The most important thing I learned in the absence of your love was that I was loved, for 8 years I was important, I was loved and I was cared for. Even if it was only for 8 years, I was loved and that is something that every child should feel.

               For twelve years I believed I had a father who loved me, when you left and he stopped loving me you turned my world upside down in an attempt to make money off me by way of child support. You made me materialistic by promising me things I had never had like vacations and shopping sprees, at 12 I first felt hate, I hated you for that and I still feel horrible that you brought my possible father into my life and home and told me I had to pretend to not know because he didn't want me. you show up 20 some years later to tell me "he's dead" and walk out the door like it means nothing and then tell me that none of the testing ever happened even though I clearly remember it. You have played mind games with me my whole life in regards to my father and you still claim you don't know who he is.

               At 13, I was sexually assaulted by an adult that you trusted with me. I never told anyone until I was 33 years old. 20 years I held that secret because I couldn't trust you to believe me or even care. 20 years I lived in a dark hole and people wonder why I have depression and anxiety issues. When I finally did tell you, you brushed it off, like it meant nothing. I guess to you, it did mean nothing. I am sure it is hard to care about something that deep to someone when you hold so little regard for that person.

                 When my brother took the simple sibling arguments too far and physically abused me, broke my finger, choked me with a phone cord, poured beer on my head and called me every name in the book, I was always chastised for it. Your words were "stop antagonizing him". There is never an excuse for the things he did to me, there is no excuse for the fighting I had to do just to not be physically and verbally abused at the hands of my brother. You can blame his anger issues, but that is no excuse for what I endured and it only showed to prove that you cared more for him, his feelings and his issues than you did about me.

                 I have learned, despite the abuse, despite the neglect, and despite the loving, nurturing home that I should have had that I will be ok. I will survive anything that comes my way, and I will thrive in the face of adversity. I managed to make it through childhood, through adolescense, and through adulthood without you. I have been beaten, kicked when I am down, spit on, homeless, starving, and worse and I am still standing. I am still here and I am unbreakable. You do not get to take any credit for that, I did that. I made it through college and obtained a college degree, and I did that, you get no credit. I found a good job and fell into a family that loves me, I did that, not you.

                The only time I see you is when you need something or when some tragedy befalls this "family", we pretend like nothing has happened, we pretend we are happy and that we love each other, we put on the show we have been performing my whole life. We do this dance over and over and I can finally perform the steps without even thinking about it. Today I found out that you left for your new life in Colorado the same way I found out about your plan for this new life in Colorado, through Facebook. You are completely comfortable telling the world your plans before you even bother to tell your "daughter", you didn't even bother say good bye, you couldn't even muster a "good bye" text to your child. I am sure I will never hear from you again as long as you don't need money, I am sure I will get a text from one of your sons at some point after you pass and I can't even bring my self to promise that I will be there to say goodbye, because I am not sure it is worth my time or effort, plus, how do you say goodbye to someone who never wanted you?

                So, now its time for me to say Thank you. Thank you for reminding me on my 35th birthday that I can't rely on you to even do the minimum, that I can't expect people to love me or even like me, thank you for reminding me that my son is my world and that all he truly needs is my unconditional love and support, thank you for reminding me that I am resilient, and thank you for reminding me that I deserve better. I have gotten to a point in my life that I never thought I would be at. People see me and think "Look at her, she seems well adjusted, she must come from a decent family", I do, and that decent family has been in heaven for going on 27 years.

                Enjoy Colorado and I hope you finally outrun whatever it is that you're still running from, I hope it was worth the cost of my happiness and my well-being.

Has it really been a year since I have written here?

Hi There,

I have so much to say and not enough words to express my thoughts. I have always been better at free form writing so maybe just the fact that I am typing away will spark the words I need to express myself. I guess we will find out together......

Today is suicide prevention day, I am saddened by the fact that we need a day for this. We do enough killing of each other, we don't really need to kill ourselves off, yet, I really don't have much room to talk. I was minutes away from being a statistic myself.

I've spent my entire life being "Tender-Hearted", "Naive", "Giving", "Sensitive", "Loving" and any other word you want to attribute to me. I have been taken advantage of, hurt, beaten, broken, cheated, and bullied (not only by outsiders and acquaintances, but even by my own mother). Every time I got knocked down, I jumped up and dusted myself off and moved to the next person that I hoped would love me. Over the years I have learned to be *slightly* more protective of my heart and I've tried valiantly to stand up for myself. I never truly succeed at it but I keep trying. I have a habit of surrounding myself with people that I shouldn't. I am trusting, I always have been. I always believe that people have the most noble of intentions and then feel hurt and let down when I realize I, once again, am wrong.

Any logical human would think by now I would have noticed the signs and been able to stay away from people who want to hurt me, but nope. I am a fixer, I am a caretaker, I WANT to love, I WANT to help. I assume I will always be this way, I know.... I know.... all I have to do is stop putting my hand in the fire, it really isn't that easy.

I have known from an early age that I didn't belong with my family, I knew that I was never going to be one of them, I was never going to be good enough to be part of their club (I am not being pitiful here, it is simply the truth). The physical abuse I suffered at the hands of my brother was part of it, The fat shaming and bullying I suffered at the words of my mother was a part of it, losing what felt like the only people that cared for me at the age of 8 was another part, learning at the age of 12 that my whole life was a lie and I was never wanted by my mother was another part, being abandoned the minute I graduated high school, being homeless and stealing food as a teenager and young adult was another, Being a closeted bisexual and being afraid to tell anyone for fear of truly being abandoned by anyone remaining that I cared about and alone was another part, and the sexual abuse that I endured as a preteen and kept to myself until adulthood was yet another part of the puzzle that has formed who I am. My life has in so many ways been difficult, but I sit here today as a college graduate, a mother and a battle scarred warrior.

I spent so much time believing that I was worthless, that I was fat and lazy, that I was unworthy of anything (let alone love and affection). I married my high school boyfriend and neither of us knew what that entailed. He had his own struggles and had no idea what a successful relationship was supposed to look like, just like me. What do you get when you throw two kids who had to grow up too soon together and leave them out at sea? Chaos.

I can't fully blame my ex husband for our downfall, sure, he made some choices that lead to the end, but in all reality I was wrapped up in my pity. We both had our faults and we had no business getting married, we were children and had no idea what to do. We got married because we were supposed to. That's what you do, you date, you get married, you have kids.....right? Not quite. However, we have made the best out of a crappy situation because we didn't want to be our parents. We wanted a good life for our son. We didn't want him left broken and weathered like we had been.

We come to 2008, I was on the verge of divorce, I had a son that I didn't know how to support alone,  I felt like a true failure for the first time in my life, I was back living with someone who pretended to like me (even though I was constantly criticized and fat shamed) and I was truly lonely and scared. None of my friends were divorced so while the few friends I had tried to listen and be supportive, they couldn't truly put themselves in my shoes. I truly felt utterly, depressingly, and totally alone for the first time in my life. I had no feelings, I was numb, I was moving about my actions like normal, I smiled at people, I woke up and did what needed to be done, but I wasn't present, I wasn't actively participating in my life. I gained an additional 75 pounds and felt even more worthless. Looking back, I don't know how I made it out of bed daily, I guess I didn't really have a choice.

I decided one day that there was no point continuing, there was nothing left to do. Sure, my son would miss me, but he was so young that he would eventually be all right, plus he would have my life insurance and that would be enough to care for him, he still had his dad. (Jesus, this is hard to write and relive) I considered what my options were, I am a weenie so I didn't want pain, I just wanted to not wake up. I just wanted the pain to end, I just wanted to not hear any more criticism, I just wanted to finally be done. I had decided that my only option was an accident. I had to do it in a way that I couldn't control, a way that would be out of my hands so that I couldn't stop myself.

There were plenty of options, at the time I wasn't thinking about anyone else. I wasn't thinking of any of the other people that would be included or affected by my actions. Then I realized driving into traffic and causing an accident made no guarantee that I would die, that it would end. I started looking into bridges and ravines, I concluded that I didn't want to drown, so a river bridge was out of the equation, however a ravine would hopefully cause me to be unseen, so no one would save me. Also, maybe the car would just explode on impact so it'd be quick. That was it, I had made my decision. I spent two weeks planning and thinking, I went about my days in a fog, I was consumed. I hugged every loved one I came into contact with as if it was the last time, and avoided the ones I couldn't mentally say good bye to without giving myself away emotionally that something was up.

I chose a week when my son was at his dad's so that I wouldn't have to say goodbye to him. I wrote him a letter, I wrote a few more letters, and I got in my car and drove away. I put my phone on silent and in the backseat and I drove....... I drove around for about 3 hours trying to gather the courage to drive to the area where I planned on doing it.

I never made it there.


While driving, I started talking to myself, recounting out loud all the reasons I should just do it. I started to hear rebuttals to my "reasons", whether they were out loud or just in my head I will probably never know. I felt like someone was in my passenger seat talking it out with me, someone who couldn't have possibly been there because he died a long time ago. For the first time in years, decades, I didn't feel alone, I didn't feel helpless. I switched on the radio because I just felt like I should and I heard "you'll be alright, because when push comes to shove, you taste what you're made of. You might bend till you break, cause it's all you can take. On your knees you look up, decide you've had enough. You get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off, then you stand......"

I pulled over, I cried, I sat in a park for an hour and a half in the dark crying, I then sat for 30 minutes in the dark just being quiet, just listening, listening to the quiet, I cried a bit more and waited for it all to pass.

I am not saying it was a ghost that stopped me, I am not saying it was divine intervention, I am not saying it was anything in particular. I don't know what stopped me, I don't know what made me turn on the radio, I don't know why that song hit me like it did, I don't know what happened that night.

All I know is that I am here today.


I cried when Robin Williams committed suicide, cried like a baby, I've never really been affected by a celebrity death until then. However, I knew what his last day was like to a certain point, I've been there, I have lived in that darkness.fortunately, I came out on the other end, I was lucky, not everyone can say that. I can say that I have had my moments in the last 7 years, I have had dark, dark moments, but I have never been alone. I have created a support system of my own. I have talked about my struggles, I tell people about my depression and anxiety disorders, I work on my moods and take time for me when needed. I talk about my suicide attempt in hopes that others know they aren't alone. I talk about my past, I talk about the scary stuff that no one quite understands unless they have been there. Most of all, I love, I still allow myself to see the best in the world and people (even when it is increasingly hard), I allow myself to believe that all people have good intentions. I believe in magic, in love, in the healing power of song, in the unexplainable. I believe in the world and I believe in my own heart, because that is what keeps me, well, me.

And I believe in "one more minute, one more hour, one more day" because it's never too late.

Please, If you feel alone, if you need help, if you just need to talk, even if you just need a hug or a hand to hold. I'm here, I've been there and I am here.

I still suffer from depression, regardless of how happy I look.

Depression sucks. It sucks your soul out. It makes you crazy. It takes everything you know and love and makes it dark, sad and worthless. Depression is something that despite how happy you look or feel can hit you at any minute. You can go to bed elated and wake up wanting to die, It is vicious and non caring, it takes and takes but never gives.

I have potentially always had depression, but I was not diagnosed until 2012. I had been laid off from my job, my relationship with my mother was shit, my family was pretty much non existent and I had no idea what I was going to do from there. I was unable to do little more than lay in bed and stay in my pajamas all day. No matter what I wanted to do that day, no matter how many plans I made the night before I just couldn't get moving the next day.

The worst part? I never knew when it would hit.

In our society, Depression, anxiety, bi-polar, schizophrenia, addiction and the like are all swept under the rug. They are diseases that are to be kept hidden and to be ashamed of having. Very few is said about them and therefore most people do not have any idea how devastating they can be, especially depression.

Depression is all encompassing, It's suffocating, and all you see if the darkness that it delivers and all you want is a moment of peace. A moment front he voices that tell you that you aren't good enough, that everyone would be better off without you, that you don't matter and are insignificant.

When I heard about Robin Williams today I cried, I cried for his kids, I cried for his wife, I cried for him and I also cried for me. I was lucky, My husband (who was mearly my live in boyfriend at the time) pulled me out of my depression. When I cried and tried to explain why I was crying he asked me "How did I pull you out?". It was a question I couldn't really answer, I just knew that he had pulled me out. I also know that currently he is very understanding when I have a "depression day" as I like to call them. If only everyone had someone that could pull them out, If only everyone COULD be pulled out......

I was lucky, Mr Williams was not, Lots of people daily are not......and that just breaks my heart and makes me cry whenever I hear of one of us losing the fight.

Just remember, you never know how dark it is in someone else's mind, you never know what they are thinking, you never know how bad they feel or what struggles they are dealing with. Be Kind. Be Loving.

I had the chance multiple times to end it all, I have heard the voices telling em that I am not good enough, that I am not needed, that I am not wanted, that I am alone....... I was lucky enough to beat those voices and be happy for the first time in my life.

Just because I am finally happy does not mean that it doesn't still affect me, I still have "depression days", I still hear the voices, I still have trouble getting out of bed some days, and I still hurt daily inside. I still pretend I am OK and happy, even when I am not, because I don't want my husband or son to worry, but I still suffer daily..... and I always will.

RIP Mr Williams. You were an inspiration and a great man, you made generations laugh and feel. You will take a piece of each of us with you and I pray that you found the peace you were looking for.

Sometimes you don't need a second chance, you just need a second family........

Family. This one word can elicit such a response for some people that they don't really know how to react to it. I am one of these people.......

It's no secret that I don't really speak to my mother, It's no secret that I don't know who my father is, and it is no secret that I have felt like an orphan since I was 8 years old and my grandma and grandpa Searles died. I lived with my mother and step father on and off, when I wasn't living with other family members (like my uncle or my cousin).

Until I was 8 I was secure in my family, there was my grandma, grandpa, mom, (the man I thought was my) dad, My brothers, a half brother (or what actually turned out later to be my step brother) and various other family members just like everyone else. December 19th, 1989 was the beginning of the end of that life for me, My grandmother had passed away almost exactly 2 months earlier and my grandfather gave up and followed closely behind. I watched him wither and die away at 8 years old, the man I was closest to, the greatest man I knew, my "dad" was gone. Within a short amount of time my mother left my father, who promised he would write and call and never did, when my mother had finally had enough of my heartbreak over the broken promises she finally told me that the man I had grown up believing was my father, was not in fact, my father. She didn't know who he was, she thought it was a man named Michael Callahan, or could have been someone named Larry. I have spent most of my life wondering who this man is, whether I looked like him, whether I had other brothers or sisters..... and then I learned that regardless of which man it was he was a deadbeat. Both of these men had children with other women, both of these men had abandoned their known children, what would they want with a child they didn't even know existed? And then came the day that my mother told me that she had found out that Michael had died a few years earlier, the answers I needed were buried, buried and gone, I would never know my father.

During my life I have allowed people into my life, people that I miss, people that I have had to let go of, people I have reconnected with and people that never deserved my loyalty or love. Most people that I had let into my life found ways to let me down, they found new and creative ways to hurt me, and I allowed them to do so. Just over three years ago I allowed a man into my life that finally showed me that I deserved better, I deserved to be treated with respect and to be treated like I mattered. I had allowed myself to be so beaten down and hurt and disrespected over the years that I felt like I didn't deserve much. I had allowed men to beat me, I had allowed them to cheat on me, I had allowed people to tell me I was worth less than others. Over the last few years I have been rebuilt from the ground up, I still have moments of weakness where I am insecure, but I am better. I honestly believe I deserve more, I believe that I deserve to be respected.

While I have put my biological family at a distance (due to the fact that I feel like I have been grossly mistreated by them), I have gained others in my "family" that I feel deserve to be here and deserve my loyalty. My wonderful fiancé came with two great kids (Connor and Eva) whom I love, a wonderful mother and father (Gail and Ron) who are not only great parents,  but also wonderful grandparents to 11 grandchildren, 3 sisters and brothers- in- law (Becky/Matt, Lisa/ Josh and Sarah/Jim) as well as 8 nieces (Claire, Hailey, Laila, Emery, Josie, Addie, Maybelline and Natalie) whom I love so very much (they all make me laugh and I love that each of them is so smart, sweet and talented in their own ways) as well as other family members who have also welcomed my son and I with open arms. I have reunited with a family that I left behind when I found out my father was not my father and it is as if no time has passed when I am with them, I have gained a brother and sister in law (Juston and Rachel) who always have my back, as well as a generous cast of others. Thank you to each and every one of you, I appreciate you so very, very much.

I also have found people in unusual places that I have taken into my heart and would do anything for, one of these is a teacher. I found Jim when I went back to college, at first I was convinced that he was going to be a pain in the butt and a real hard-ass and we would never get along, however, this man also changed my life. He taught me more than just business techniques, he taught me self esteem, he taught me about "protecting my elephant", as well as teaching me that I was capable of more than I believed I was. I sincerely want to thank you for that Jim, I appreciate you more than you will ever know.

And finally, Chris, what can I say? Thank you, thank you, thank you. Gratitude is not even a big enough word for what I feel for what you have done for me. I was in such a dark spot when you found me, I was just very good at hiding it and you found exactly where I was hiding it and you fixed me. You are the only person who has ever been able to even attempt that and there are not words enough to show you how much I appreciate that.

as I have sat here writing this, tears fill my eyes, I know just how lucky I am. I have never felt such love or gratitude and it overwhelms me daily and I just wanted you to know. Thank you and I love you. Sometimes you don't need a second chance, sometimes you just need a second family and I've been lucky enough to find that in each and every one of you.

525,600 minutes.....

          I finally brought myself to watch the memorial episode of Glee last night, as expected I ugly-cried all the way through it. I think the toughest part of it for me was when Finn's mom was cleaning out his room. She said "How do parents go on when they lose a child? You know, when I would see that stuff on the news I would just change the channel cause it was just too horrible to think, how do they wake up every day? I mean, how, how do they breathe? But you do wake up, and for just a second, you forget, and then, oh, you remember and it's like getting that call again and again, every time. You don't get to stop waking up, you have to keep on being a parent even though you don't get to have a child anymore...." (and even as I type this, I can't stop bawling)
          It's funny because I have always felt the same way. Daily, I see news stories about parents losing their kids and I see mothers burying their children and I think..... " I couldn't do it. I wouldn't be able to do it. How do they stand there so strong and do this?" I have been told that I am strong, but I am not THAT strong.
          In March of 2012 we lost a wonderful friend named Teddy, how he died is not important, how he lived is..... Teddy was a warm, loving, sarcastic, fun guy. Teddy cared about people, he loved his friends, he loved his family, he loved his daughter and he loved his mother. Hearing of Teddy's death brought a lot of our lives to a screeching halt, we couldn't believe it, we couldn't wrap our minds around why he was gone. Even at the funeral, we could see him there in front of us but I believe a lot of us just kept waiting to hear him laugh at all of us for being so gullible......but, it never happened.
            Since that horrible day we have all started to move on as best as we could. Some of us have become closer to others. I have been blessed enough to become closer to Teddy's mom, Priscilla. I am blessed to know her, she is the strongest person I have ever met. Priscilla posted earlier today that her and her husband watched the memorial episode of Glee and that she broke down during the episode and it seemed interesting to me that the only people I could think of during the episode was Teddy and Priscilla. He knew how much his parents loved him, and I hope they knew how much he loved them back. Teddy loved all of us, he cared about us. Even if he would never say it aloud, he always showed it. There was never any doubt of his caring nature. I am a lucky person to have known Ted, and a better person for knowing his gracious, unbelievably strong mother.
           Last night I had horrible dreams about Keegan being gone, how much I missed him and cried for him in my dream/sleep. When I woke up he was curled up next to me holding his teddy bear, and I wanted to cry. Not everyone has the luxury of hugging their baby whenever they want, I do. I complain about him crawling in bed with me at night, but at the end of the day, I secretly love it. I love cuddling with him and I love waking up with him, he's my favorite, I am very lucky.

 

my home

I don't even know where to start......

I wrote a facebook status last night about Chad Rogers, For those of you who don't know he is the runner here in Liberty that has been missing since going for a run at roughly 8pm on 7/22/13. My fiance, Chris, and I were driving around doing some errands yesterdfay and I was continuing to keep updated with the facebook updates about Chad as the day went on, when I had seen the first update something struck me, it wasn't just that Chad lived here in Liberty, it was that I knew the face, I knew the smile, I just couldn't pinpoint it. It wasn't until I really got to researching and reading more updates and seeing more pictures that I realized this was an old classmate. Chad was about 2 years younger than me but I remember seeing him in school, we weren't good friends, didn't run with the same crowds, but we had taken classes together and we had smiled to each other in the crowded hallways.

I was 15 when I moved to Liberty, I was mad about being uprooted again and having to make all new friends and leaving my old friends behind. It was hard enough the last few times I moved to make friends. I am still convinced to this day that my mother just pulled out a map and said "we'll move here" and that is how the move to Liberty was originated. I was sullen and moody in the back of the car when we moved here, my last school in Lakewood Co was still fresh in my mind, it was difficult to make friends there because it was an environment where if you didn't have money, come from a good family or hadn't lived there forever then you were an outcast and no one wanted to be friendly with you. For months, I just existed and ate lunch by myself, I went home directly after school and had really no friends. Therefore, when I saw the high school from the off ramp of the highway into Liberty, I realized how huge it looked and how fancy it was (honestly, I thought it was a mall). It wasn't until a week later when my mother went to enroll me that I realized it was the high school I would be attending. I realized quickly on my first day that this was a school where most of the kids were from well off families and most of them had known each other since Kindergarten (if not before that). As I started to be worried that I wouldn't fit in, I started to notice that this wasn't like every other high school I had been to, there didn't appear to be really any well defined cliques, kids would smile at each other in the hall and there was constant conversations between multiple groups as I walked down the hallway. I even saw a couple cheerleaders help a handicapped girl when stuff fell out of her locker and she was having trouble picking it up. I saw kids that would have never been within meters of each other in my old school having actual conversations with each other in this school.

My first day I even had a a girl named Amy ask if I wanted to have lunch with her and her friends, I quickly said yes. Within days I was invited to these girls houses, I was hanging out with them in between classes and they even included me in other activities they would do. It wasn't long before I had many friends and knew almost everyone in each of my classes. I was grateful to not be alone anymore. I had spent many, many years (practically my whole life) moving from one school, house, and state to another, never really feeling like I was home, never really feeling like I was where I belonged. Never really feeling settled.

Until I came to Liberty.

In the 13 years since I have graduated high school I have stayed in contact with some friends, made friends with people that went to the same high school as me but I did not already hang out with, and have completely forgotten some had existed until I see them out and about and we stop and say hi to each other. Life gets in the way some times as we get older, what seemed important as a 16,17 or 18 year old is usually not so important at 28, 29, or 30. You go to college, obtain a career, make new friends, get married or even become a mother or father. You never really forget your past but you don't think about the things you did or the people you knew as much anymore. You occasionally get hit by a scene or a smell and have a pleasant memory of a friend, a time or even a teacher and you smile and fell warm and fuzzy for a minute and then you move on. We all move on and go about our lives and eventually high school just isn't that important anymore. Some of us move on to other cities and states, some of us stay put, some of us leave and then come back, either way life is never really the same.

As an adult I have seen the news stories where people are hurt, abducted, killed, raped, or even enslaved for years, we all have. We all become somewhat hard to the world and evil outside our bubbles, we become jaded and we start to believe that good doesn't exist in the multitudes that we remember from when we were kids. We no longer believe in happy endings, we no longer believe in miracles, we tend to lean more to the negative side while trying desperatley to remain positive (even if only for the sake of our children or families, somedays)

For two days one of our own has been missing, it is not something that happens daily so when it happens in your towen it is a shock. However, despite the bad things in the world and despite the circumstances that surround us, I have seen good. I have been witness to an amazing phenomenon. I have moved a lot in my life and I have lived in a lot of towns, but I have never seen what I have seen in the last two days in ANY place that I have ever lived. I see a community that is loving, caring, full of grace and kindness. I see people taking time from their important activitites and families to help another family look for a son/ husband and father that has been missing for two days. I have seen volunteers that search for hours on end, I have seen people volunteer to take care of those search and rescue groups, I have seen businesses/ corporations that have donated, supplies and food, even shuttle service to and from an airport. I have seen the unthinkable happen, I have seen strangers become angels and I have seen a community band together for the betterment of one family. I have prayed more in the last two days than I have in a long time. I pray for a happy ending, I pray for good news, I pray for a miracle. I pray for a mother and father to get their son back, I pray for a wife to get her husband back and, most importantly, I pray for a 13 month old son to get his daddy back. I am choosing hope. we all know the statistics, we all have heard the horror stories, we all know what could be awaiting us.....yet we still choose prayer, grace and hope. I think that says something. In my 32 years of life I have never seen something like I have seen in the past two days and it brings tears to my eyes even as I write this.

I will continue to pray for a miracle for this man who simply smiled at me daily in the hallway, a simple smile that made an outsider believe that this place was finally different, and a kindness that was carried throughout his peers and made us all better people. I am proud to say that Liberty, Missouri is my home and I would never want to be anywhere else. Chad, we are praying for a miracle, praying that as K-9 units, police and volunteers search for you that our Lord will give someone the sight to find you, pray that you get to come home soon and safe and pray that He is with you and that He has His arms around you and your family.

I didn't know it until now but Liberty is and always will be my home and I think I was always meant to end up here.

#findChad #bringChadhome

You can't get rid of me that easily.....

Today was definitely a test in patience. I learned today that I never really take the easy way out, I have had plenty of options to take the easy way out of many situations, I just never choose to. It seems like a cop out to me, I have watched so many people in my life take the easy way out, be lazy or just not do something because it was easier to not do it. Not me, I push and push and push until I either break through or get angry because I think I might have to give up.

I stayed with a man for 12 years when neither of us were really happy, because I believed it would work and it would change into what we both wanted, It didn't. I dated another guy for two years who was mean and just didn't want what I did because I thought he would eventually come around, he didn't. I let my mother constantly criticize me, talk down to me and treat me like I was lesser than my brothers for 31 years because I believed that was all I was worth, It wasn't. I let someone who I thought was my best friend boss me around for years and years because I thought I wasn't smart enough to make worthy decisions for myself, I was. My point is.... I don't give up easily but when I do finally give up on something it is because there is no point in holding on anymore and I really let it go. I've learned to not look back, I've spent too much of my life looking backwards. I allowed crappy people into my life, I allowed them to treat me badly, I allowed them to hurt me....

I spent the last 4 years praying, crying, changing, doing everything I could think of to be the girl I used to be. I used to be fun, I used to be positive, I used to be confident (at least to some extent) and most importantly I WAS STRONG. I was a tough cookie, It took a lot to break me and over the years I had allowed myself to become weak, to become a victim, to become dependent, to become needy, to become validated only by others instead of myself. 3 years ago I finally decided to do something about it and change who I was, it has been a long road and a tough road, but I want my son to see me as someone who never gave up. I want him to see a woman who fought against every adversity, who knocked down every wall in her way. I want him to see me at my best. I want him to see a woman who didn't need anyone else's validation. A mother he can be proud of and say "my mom never gave up, she made the best of everything she had and did, and that's why I am proud to be her son"

I want him to know that you can never be beaten unless you allow yourself to be beaten. I will not be beaten. I am finally in a good place in my life, I still have roadblocks placed in front of me daily and I have to fight past them, but I realize how blessed I am. I have surrounded myself with a small group of people who are good to me, they listen when I need to talk, they encourage my successes and support me even in my failures, They make me more aware of how good my life has become. I love them, I am thankful for them and I am happy I found them. Family is not always blood, more often than not it is the people you handpick to be in your life, they care for you even when they don't like the choices you've made and they are always there when you need them. I am very lucky to have the family that I have found, it is the family that I have always dreamed of and I am very blessed to have them and I am very blessed to finally know who I am and who I was always meant to be.

I am tough, I am worthy and I am still here. You can't get rid of me that easily.........

I've done everything I can to keep my mouth shut, but I just can't hold it any longer.

It's no secret that I have a spotty relationship with my mother, It's no secret that she didn't want me and only kept me because my grandfather made her (because she's clearly told me this little tidbit of info) and it's no secret (to most people that really have known me for years) that I am on my own in this world, a virtual orphan, if you will.

I have always tried to cut her some slack and believe that she wasn't purposely putting my brothers above me. I've always said "she wasn't a bad mom, she just had a hard time, she always did the best she could", I just can't say I believe that anymore. My mother has always bent over backwards for my brothers, when I dropped out of high school she told me to "get a job and pay rent, move out or go back", I went back. My brother dropped out and she still lets him live rent free with her (although he does help with food occasionally). When I had to come back and live with her after my separation, she charged me rent.......guess who has never paid rent. I don't believe Christmas is about gifts, but when she told me that she would have to buy gifts after Christmas because she didn't have money I assumed (stupid me!) that this applied to all of us, of course when my fiancee and I showed up we realized quickly that it just meant him and I. We noticed this while my baby brother was playing a brand new PS3 and opening another gift and my other brother was opening gifts for him and his girlfriend (no surprise that I felt like a total moron). There are multiple other occsions that I could point out, but really, what's the point? My mother denies that this is the case. She is adamant that she treats us all the same and that it is all in my head. She starts the pity party and tells me about how she knows I think she is a lousy mother (even though I've never said this to anyone, including her) and how she is going to run away to Alaska, Maryland, or whatever state she thinks of in the moment.

The latest favortism? My mother did not have a cell phone, I knew she could really use one for work and such, so I asked Chris if I could add a line to his account for her, he was hesitant but agreed. I told her before buying it that it was a 2 year contract and I could not afford to pick up her part of the bill so I needed to know that she was committed to the line and would make the payments. She assured me that she would. Now, less than a year later she can no longer afford the phone and has decided she is no longer paying for it ("but will pay me once she has some extra money"). I find out tonight that she has taken over my brother's girlfriends old phone line on his account (but is supposedly just paying this month and then he is gonna pay the whole month from now on) so that he does not get stuck having to pay the ETF......WHAT?!?!?! yet, I have to either pay an ETF or a monthly bill because she can't afford it? but she can afford to pay the bill this month?! well, what about the money you owe me?! how about paying me what you owe me before you pay my brother's phone bill?!?!?!?! Am I the only one who sees what is wrong with this picture?!

I am at a loss for words, as soon as I read that in my brother's text I just started crying...... I mean, I always suspected but in the last year it has become blatent..... I know I am alone now, It doesn't really surprise me.....I've always kind of known it..... guess I've never really wanted to admit it.

equal rights for all!

It is no surprise to people that know me that I am an open minded person that generally will speak her mind. Today, My friends, Gay marriage is being taken to the Supreme Court...... and this is a major issue..... why? you may ask......well, let's get real. It is 2013, I realize civil rights are still a pretty recent thing compared to the history of the world, or even our nation for that matter. However, I find it interesting that the same people that were yelling 40, 50, 60 years ago for freedom of blacks, women and other minority groups are some of the ones that are now yelling to keep a group of our fellow AMERICANS hindered from the same rights as the rest of us have. Has history taught us nothing? Segregation, hatred, and bullying are never the right answer.

Let's be honest, I know we all have heard some say "well, they can have civil unions, I don't mind if they are married as long as they don't CALL it marriage", but really? is the word really the issue? If the word is the real issue here then why don't all 50 states allow "civil unions" (personally, I hate that phrase, but whatever)? I don't know what leads people to believe they have ANY right to tell someone else what to do with their body, with their love and with their life. I'm not saying let's repeal laws against murder, rape, crimes against children, etc. I am just simply saying that you shouldn't have any say in who your neighbor loves or what they do with that love. If my neighbor is lesbian, gay, transgendered or transsexual then it has no bearing on how I live my day to day life, it does not automatically make them a bad person, it does not make them a murderer,  it does not make them a rapist and it certainly does not make them a child molester.

I know people who have said "How do I explain to my children when they see two boys or two girls kissing?" well, that is simple...... you tell them that these two people love each other and there is nothing wrong with being in love. "how do I explain to my child when they see a man in woman's clothing?" simple you don't make a big deal about it. My son knows multiple friends of mine that are gay or lesbian, he even has seen cross dressers. We don't make a big deal out of it, it is normal for people to be different in our lives. My 5 year old son's favorite color is pink and blue, I cringe when people make a big deal when he says he wants something that is pink.... they always look at him and say "really? are you sure you don't want blue or green?", don't pigeonhole my child! If he wants a pink balloon, you give him a pink balloon! it isn't that big of a deal. If he wants a doll opposed to a dump truck, then you give him the doll. I am raising my child to be himself, not to be a "man", he likes to dance to Kesha and Katy Perry, he likes to dress up his stuffed animals, he likes to play with his kitchen set. This will not make my child gay, and even if he ends up being gay I am still gonna love him just as much as I have since the day he was born.

I hope the Supreme Court allows gay marriage, I hope they allow all Americans the same rights the rest of us have, I hope there comes a day when no one is oppressed and we can all be who we are meant to be. I pray for a day where children are not hiding in a proverbial closet out of fear that their family, friends and parents (can you imagine) will disown them. I pray for understanding. I pray for equality.......

I saw a sign today that said "Marriage is a HUMAN right, not a heterosexual privilege" and I believe that says it all......

stay kind and loving, my friends.

oh and btw, to the people who want to throw Leviticus at me......you might want to read ALL of Leviticus and make sure you are abiding by all of those rules too cause I know many of you that are not living the life or abiding by the rules that you expect the rest of us to live and follow. Being a good christian means that you live with grace, not bigotry.

Donna's day

                       Almost a year ago I was surfing around on Facebook and one of the bloggers I followed introduced me to Mary Tyler Mom. Mary Tyler Mom is a blogger from Chicago, she is a mother, a writer, a wife, a damn funny person, a brave woman and a damn WARRIOR. In March 2007, Her baby (20 month old) Donna was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumor. This baby went through 31 months of treatment with the normal ups and downs that any cancer patient would go through, except this was a baby girl. Donna died on October 19th, 2009 at just slightly over 4 years old.......let that sink in for a minute, just slightly over 4 years old. As humans we see death daily, in our families, on television and in movies, in video games and even on the nightly news, but when it is a child, a CHILD, that's when it hits you hardest.

                     Now, I am a mother and I have never lost a child, but I can't even imagine. This woman is a god dang warrior, possibly one of the strongest, most inspiring people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing (even if it is just through the Internet). She is a soldier in the army of parents who have lost the most important thing to them and I salute her. Being a mother is THE hardest job any woman will ever have, it is also the most rewarding. They say that having a child is like living with your heart walking around outside of your body, and I believe that is 100% true.

                    I could not even begin to understand or fathom that kind of loss. I worry so much about my son all the time, even when I know he is in a safe place. He's 5, it's my job to protect him and love him, but how do you protect your child from something you can't see, how do you protect your child from something like cancer? I can't even pretend to understand the emotions and fear that this family went through, especially this mom. We all love our babies, but as a mom you have a connection with that baby on a whole different level, that baby was a part of you, is a part of you. They live inside you for 9 months, you feed them, you protect them and then you deliver them out into a dangerous world, for that alone we are Strong, to lose a child to death (regardless of the reason) makes you a damn warrior.

                    Today is Donna's day, and I for one am glad I know her story and am glad I know her momma. I am proud to know her momma and to have read that story, I may have cried like a baby during it (and we are not talking a pretty cry, we are talking full on snotty, ugly face cry), but it has made me love my child more and take less for granted. Take a read and it'll change your life. Donna, I may not know you personally but, good gosh, I love you (and your momma).

Please take time to read this wonderful writing and amazing story @ http://www.chicagonow.com/mary-tyler-mom
                 

a whole new world....

          So yesterday was the beginning to my second week in this new world called College. I am currently attending Maple Woods Community College to get my associates in Business/ Accounting. It's definitely been a different experience. I have spent the last 7 months doing whatever I wanted when I wanted, waking up when I wanted (with the exception of when Keegs woke me up) and not necessarily being responsible for much during the day as far as being on a schedule (with the exception of nap time lol). Now I am back on a schedule, having to be up between 7-8 in the AM, which is not cooperating with my love of being up late each night. I am responsible for not only getting myself to school on time but getting Keegs to school every other week and planning my afternoons for homework before I pick him up because once I pick him up I don't get a lot of homework done until he's in bed for the evening.

          I am finding that I am having to get a lot accomplished in a small amount of time and having to learn again how to compartmentalize a lot of my life. I took on a bit much to begin with, but I am a strong, determined woman and have no doubt that I will succeed. I tend to stress a lot when under a deadline, but I also thrive under pressure. So while I know I am looking at a lot of work, I am excited for the amount of work. I hope my feelings on that don't change as the semester goes on.

          I have also noticed a big change in my moods. My last few weeks before school started I noticed I was having a lot of impatience, temperamental moods and lash outs. I was not happy no matter what I did during the day, I would get cranky extremely easily and I would just want to be left alone or sleep. My depression was hitting hard and I felt bad for how I was behaving at home towards Chris and Keegs. I started taking my meds again, hoping it would help my moods. It worked like a charm, I was "artificially happy" for those last few weeks and things started to get back to normal. Before the meds I just felt like I was trapped, I rarely left the apartment, wouldn't want to clean the apartment, and just felt worthless. I could tell Chris was getting frustrated with me, although he never stated this. I can tell when my depression is getting to him. He never comes out and says anything, he never acts out towards me, he just lets me be until I get to a point where I can vocalize it. I spend a lot of time apologizing, but he is amazing and never makes me feel bad about it. He has learned when not to badger me about whether I am "okay" or not. He is amazing and I cannot state that enough.

            I find that being out of the house is a help, I enjoy going to the library, the student center, even going to class. I have since stopped taking the meds because I feel genuinely happy. I still have my moments where I am cranky because my math problem isn't working out, or I don't understand my accounting class work, but I find that I tend to rebound from the anxiety and frustration better than I used to.

            I am excited to see where I am headed, where my family is headed and what is waiting for us at the end of this path and the beginning of the next one. Until then I am just going to continue to take it day by day and continue to enjoy my days at school and nights with my guys (Chris and Keegs). They are the best support system I could ever ask for, they make me a better woman and I couldn't do this with out them. I love them more than they will ever know.

23 years later.....

"Weather man said it’s gonna snow
By now I should be used to the cold.

Living alone here in this place
I think of you, and I’m not afraid
Your favorite records make me feel better
Cause you sing along
With every song
I know you didn’t mean to give them to me

But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you

It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone"

-Over You (Miranda Lambert)


23 years ago the most important man I have ever known left us. My grandfather is the reason I am who I am. He was a hard worker, he was a hero, he taught me to be compassionate and to always believe in the good. I am sure he had his flaws, but at 8 years old I couldn't tell you what they were. I have spent every day since December 19th, 1989 trying to make him proud. Most people who know me know that I do not know my biological dad. I have a great man who has been my father for 23 years now, however, my first "Dad" was my grandfather. He was my everything as a child, his outlook has been what I have based my life on. My fondest memory was the day that he pulled me aside and told me "Amber, there is good everywhere, you just have to find it." He would point out "The good" to me when we were certain places. Even to this day I alwasy look for the "good" in any situation I am in, I can't help it, it's ingrained in me. I could go on and on, but, I'm trying to not break down and cry, I've done that enough today.......

I will say, I didn't know it at 8 years old, but I was blessed to have even just one day with this man. I am blessed to say everyday that I am Harry Claude Searles' granddaughter. I was cherished and loved by an amazing man and everyday I cherish his memory and legacy that continues to live in me. I Love You and I miss you everyday.

how do you explain evil?

How do you explain evil? Today I held my son close and explained to him that his daddy, I, Andrea and Chris love him more than anything in the world. I (like most of the world) watched in horror as children were reported missing or dead. I cried with President Obama when he gave his speech, I cried for the poor, precious, scared kids, I cried for the teachers who were trying desperately to protect their kiddos, I cried for the teachers who dies trying to protect their kiddos and I cried for the families who lost children and adult loved ones alike.

I couldn't imagine a day without my child being around. I couldn't imagine burying him or spending the rest of my life wondering "what might have been", wondering who he would have became, wondering the good he could have done, wondering the kind of parent he would have been. These poor kids lost so much and their families lost just as much, if not more. I can't imagine moving on, I can't imagine waking up tomorrow morning knowing he was gone. I wouldn't get out of bed, I wouldn't be able to look in the mirror.

Our jobs as parents is to keep our kids safe, its to teach them how to grow and be good people. So, How do we explain horrendous days like these???  My son is 5, He is exceptionally curious at this age, he knows who the President is and he knows what sad is, therefore when he saw me crying with President Obama his first question was "Mommy, why are you and the President crying? what's he saying?" I said "Sometimes bad things happen, sometimes there are bad people in this world that hurt people for no reason. This morning there were a lot of kids hurt because of a bad man.". Keegan looked at me and said " I am sorry the bad man made you cry, Mommy.... I love you." I couldn't do anything but hug him and tell him I loved him too knowing full and well that there were parents on the east coast that would not have this comfort tonight.

I've known for a long time that there was evil in this world. I knew way before I should have that there were bad people and that they did bad things. I have always lived my life being the best person I could because I wanted to believe that for each good thing I did it stopped one evil thing from happening......... My faith in that is running thin though. I would like to believe it still works that way but I am not a child and I am not naive. I think we just have too much evil in this world and the good cannot overcome it anymore. People spend so much time putting others down (I've been guilty of this myself, I'm not perfect), they spend time hurting each other for petty reasons and pushing others down just to prove they are right........

I live my life by the premise of being kind and graceful to everyone. I work hard at being kind, it doesn't cost anything, you don't lose anything by being kind. try it..........

Wide Awake.....

" And now it's clear to me that everything you see ain't always what it seems, I was dreaming so long. I wish I knew then what I know now, wouldn't dive in, wouldn't bow down. Gravity hurts, you made it so sweet, til I woke up on, on the concrete......I'm wide awake, not losing any sleep, I picked up every piece, and landed on my feet.......God knows that I tried seeing the bright side, but I'm not blind anymore... I'm Wide Awake" Thank you Katy Perry.

I've come to realize that people are going to let me down sometimes. Maybe my expectations are too high sometimes and that causes me to be disappointed far more than I realize. I have been disappointed enough in my life that sometimes I don't realize I'm disappointed until it has been months (or sometimes even years) down the road. I have spent a lot of time in therapy talking about my expectations and why I am so angry with certain people in my life, and the truth is : I don't know if I am disappointed with them for letting me down or if I am disappointed with myself for allowing ti to happen. In the few MAJOR disappointments in my life I saw it coming but did nothing to stop it because I believed these people cared enough to stop it before it got to me. I EXPECTED them to care enough to stop it from happening, and maybe that was just too much pressure or responsibility for them to handle..... maybe it was my own responsibility in the first place and I had no business putting it off on them.

I still from time to time think about my marriage, my therapist has made it clear that I shouldn't dwell on it but I should consider what happened if I plan to marry again ( which I do, hopefully). I think Andrew and I had very different scenarios of what marriage would be and how it should be. I have said time and time again that we were too young, we had no business getting married (even if the best thing of my life came from it! e.g. Keegan) I considered this thought once before, when Erik ( my bf about 3 years ago) wanted to marry me. All he could talk about is the wedding, there was never talk about life after the wedding except when it came to kids (it was no secret that I wanted (and still want) another child). I realized during our 4th conversation about getting married (or having a wedding) that we never discussed just being husband and wife and what that meant or how important it was, we never discussed being partners, not just getting married. I come from a long line of divorce, it was never something that was explained in my family, it just was what it was. As I grew I learned what divorce was and how ugly it could get. I honestly cannot name one person in my family that has had a successful marriage. Sure, my mom and dad (Rusty) have been together for 23 years this August, but they aren't married. So it was incredibly important for me to make Andrew and my marriage work, even after his infidelity. I tried to hold on but I just couldn't anymore and some days that makes me feel like a failure. However, I have learned from Chris about being a partner in a relationship.... we may fight and we may make each other crazy, I have made idle threats to leave early on in our relationship,  but we realized there was a problem and he was willing (even more than willing) to go with me to see a counselor to fix the issue (something Andrew was always dead set against, even after the affair when we needed it the most). We don't make it a secret that we see a counselor together, I think we are even proud of it (at least I am). Seeing a counselor doesn't mean we are failing, it means we love each other and want to be together enough that we will work hard on making sure we aren't another broken family or statistic, we WANT to work at it and make it a priority. And for that I am proud of us.

I digress, people will let me down. I know I need to be more realistic and expect my loved ones to not be perfect. If you don't screw up every now and then you are not human, right? I need to forgive myself for leaving Andrew and realize that this action does not make me a failure, it makes me human. The saying is "I'm a lover, not a fighter".... well, I am both. I am a lover by nature and I am a fighter by force. I have had to fight my entire life.....I spent six years just trying to survive, asking for no help, being knocked down and losing everything and fighting back from it, stealing and lying to survive, I have been used, lied to, cheated on, and beaten up (both in and out of romantic relationships). I, still at 31, have no idea about my paternal side of my family and probably never will because I have had to realize that the two men, one of whom is my biological father, are deadbeats who left their "real" families and kids while I got lucky enough to have a man in my life who raised me and took me in as his own and made me a fighter. I realized recently just how lucky I am to have a mom and dad who love me and are proud of me, even when I mess up. They may have made MAJOR mistakes from time to time and didn't have much to give us financially growing up but they LOVED us and taught me how to survive on my own. I have lost and sacrificed a LOT in my life, I may have dug myself into many holes, but I have always clawed my way out and landed back on my feet..... I always make the joke that I am like a cockroach, they may have a nasty reputation, but one thing is clear....... you can't kill me, you can't keep me down for long, I always come back and I'll still be here long after the smoke clears. I have learned that I am stronger than I ever imagined and I am proud that my son has a mom like me to teach him that life and people can beat you up but what matters is if you get back up!

I am beyond damaged, I am scarred deeply, I am a hot mess some days, but I am worth more than I believe most days and I am loved by some pretty amazing people. I may have few TRUE friends, but they are friends that I would do anything for because I know they've got my back too. I have a wonderful man who loves me and my son, who would do anything for us as we would him. I am a lucky girl, I didn't fail..... I gave myself a chance to start over and do it better! (and that's what I am going to do!)

Everything you weren't.....

I heard a song today by Demi Lovato called "everything you're not". It sounded like a volume of my life from the previous 2 years before Chris.

"I've been bruised and I've been broken, can't believe that I've put up with all this pain. I've been used and I was choking on the promise that I would never fall again. I used to sing to your twisted symphony, the weights that had me trapped inside your misery and now I know the reason why I couldn't breathe cause all I want is everything you're not"

You still cross my mind, don't think that you don't but I know the damage you are capable of, not that I didn't know back then but I trusted you and as I have learned from the one person who HAS loved me, my past and all my therapy, I do not always have the best judgement of who to trust. Just because I think about you does not mean I want anything to do with you. I tried, I tried to be friends, but you have never realized that it is a two way street and I am tired of running both ways. Now, I can breathe and I am grateful for that.

New Year, New Me

So, 2012 is just around the corner and it is time to reflect on the last year and make goals for the next. They say 2012 is the last year that is on the Mayan Calendar and that means that an apocalypse will come at the end of the year, I say "yeah right"......but what if? what if this is my last year on earth, what if this is all of our last year on earth. What would you want yours to be like. I want mine filled with quality friendship, family, success and most importantly LOVE. This last year of my life has been a roller coaster, It's had its ups and downs and scary parts. There has been a lot of uncertainty and a lot of new things for me to experience. I've spent my first full year with an amazing man who loves me more than anyone else ever has tried to. Chris and I have had our issues, but what couple doesn't? Through it all I know that he is my future and I am his. I know that no matter the difficulty he loves me and I love him enough to make it work. This last year has been a tough one, I am working on a divorce to finally set me free and I am also working on bettering myself and healing from the pain of the destruction that marriage along with all the pain of all the other trauma I have put myself  or allowed myself to go through. I have hope that I will be better soon and that, my dear readers, is my goal for 2012..... to simply get better and be better to myself and those that I love.

What is your goal?

there's been a lot going on lately...... Honestly, some days I don't know how I am still standing.

It's strange how certain things can set someone off. You can be standing strong for years and years and then just one day you are hit with everything like a ton of bricks. You realize your life is not going the way you expected and then you have to rethink your course. I went through 2.5 years of being seperated/ divorced and I find that in certain situations I am still not fully capable of how to deal with it (or my ex husband sometimes for that matter). I find that sometimes we can be capable of being friends and getting along like nothing ever happened between us, and then there are the time when I hold so much resentment for him that it is palatable and tangible. It's in those moments that I have to remember that the mistakes that caused our divorce gave me the chance to be with a man who loves me more than anyone else ever has. I am thankful for this and wish I could find the same thing for my best friend and my ex sister in law cause they both have been through a lot of  pain and deserve to be this happy too. I often think of everyone else's happiness before my own cause that is easy, navigating my own life and happiness is not as easy. It is filled with landmines and traps, I don't know that I ever felt that I deserved to be happy, I was not put here to be selfish and keep things for myself, I was put here to give, not take. I am slowly learning how to do the latter because at 30 I have realized it is vital for me to take sometimes in order for me to survive.

I recently found out that my mother is going to have to have open heart surgery for a heart murmur she has had her whole life. It is a vital surgery because the murmur (which is really just a hole in her heart) has enlarged enough that she is having trouble sleeping and breathing. It sounds simple, they are going to have to cut her open, sew up the hole and then close her back up, But for me it is not that simple. I am absolutely terrified, I am terrified that she will die on the table and then what? I have always been scared that something would happen to her, she is all I have. I don't know my biological dad and found out 2 years ago that one of the men who could potentially be my biological father is dead, the other is no where to be found and doesn't have anything to do with the children that he does know about so I doubt he would be much different to me. My "Daddy" is a man who came into my life when I was 8 and has shaped the woman I have become. I don't know who I would be without him. I hold more respect for him than I ever have anyone for the simple fact that he cared for my grandpa when no one else could (including himself) and for that he will always have my utmost respect and love. My brothers are good guys who make mistakes and are learning how to grow up slowly. My mother has taken care of them for a long time and she's gotten good at taking care of others as she gets older, I doubt I will ever be as good as her at it and to be honest I don't want to try and find out. My mom and I have had a very difficult relationship. Growing up I wanted a mom and she wanted to be friends. I learned a lot about how to care for myself enough to survive and I never wanted her help. She did the best that she could and I rebelled against her non rules. I credit her with how I have turned out and I don't mean that I blame her. I just think I became a rule follower due to my lack of rules. I have always loved my mother but I definitely did not want her help because I was way too independent for that. Now at 30 I don't know what I would do without my mother, she is my best friend and I do not know enough to take her place in our family. I keep preparing for the worst because at least one of us is going to have to be prepared if something happens. Someone has to take care of my daddy and brothers...... All I know is that if something does happen to her this world will definitely be a less colorful place..... I love you momma.

hey you! yeah, you..... can you guess the moral of this story???

I am CONSTANTLY amazed at the level of stupidity that I encounter on a daily basis (and I don't just mean at my job). I am beginning to think that it is me, I find it almost impossible that I, and a very small group of people around me, are the only ones who make any sense. I hear a question and am usually completely dumbfounded lately on how to answer without sounding like a total douche. I am beginning to wonder if the movie Idiocracy wasn't a documentary on what is going to happen. I am sorry, I just cannot live in a world where everything "craves electrolytes", I just can't do it..... :)
I just feel like I am at a point in my life where all I can ever say is "I don't care anymore, I give up, do whatever you want", It seems like no matter what I say it is not enough and will not convince anyone of anything and if I have to hear "are you 100% sure?" repeated at me again I am going to go postal and start punching people in the face. Of course I am sure, you twat! Otherwise I would have said "maybe it can be done, it looks like it can be done or it should be able to be done" but no, I said "It CAN be done" last time I checked the confidence with which I said that means that I am "100% sure"..... ugh.

Here is another thing, If you want help with something then why are you acting like a jackass? Have you ever sat there and said "I would sure like someone to call me a bunch of names and cuss at me and then ask me for help so I can feel useful...." Really?!?!?! Cussing at me and being a world class douche does not make me want to help you, it makes me LOATHE you and want to help you even less, or at least help you to the edge of a cliff before I push your dumb butt off and pray that I hear the splat when you hit the ground. Being nasty to someone trying to help you is the equivalent of being hateful and nasty to a server and expecting to get food that has not been spit in (or worse).... just doesn't happen.

I guess I just don't get people.... I just don't understand what makes some people who they are. I wonder if people think that about me, is the fact that I am so nice and accommodating a foreign concept and point of contention for the race of doucebags that I encounter regularly? I get a lot of people at work and in everyday life that are baffled by how nice I am and how far I will go to help someone that has been nice to me and then I wonder what they must think of me, is it unusal to encounter someone that will bend over backwards to help someone who is polite, respectful and not a complete idiot? Apparently it is........

Just a tip: even if you cannot see someone when you are talking to them, or just because they may hold a job that pays less than yours, or even if they hold a job you wouldn't do doesn't mean they are any less of a person than you are, it just means that maybe they are making the best out of what they have been given. just remember karma is the other white meat... it's what's for dinner.

moral of the story..... don't be a douche

I will not be your victim anymore. I expect respect and am finally putting my foot down.

Some of you may have seen my status the other night mentioning about someone lecturing me about my son being at a baby sitters, at home with my boyfriend or with family while I am at work. Well, this little gem came from my ex husband. Just one more attempt to break me down so that he can get whatever he wants. Well, I usually get highly offended at the sheer thought of someone even accusing me of being a bad mother because my biggest goal in life is to be the best mother I can be. So, I made a decision on my hour long drive home last night that I was gonna stop being a victim and start standing up to my ex husband. I am no longer going to let him say what he wants or make me feel bad for anything. I may have been the one to ask for the divorce and he may have been hurt by that but what he did to me and our family was way worse than any pain I ever could have caused him. Regardless of who caused who more pain I believed from day one (and made him perfectly aware) that we still needed to be friendly and respectful for our son's sake. This is when he started with the attitude, I am still not sure to this day wether he is aware that the way he has been behaving since then is disrespectful or if he just doesn't care.

I watched the way his brother treated his ex wife and the fact that he doesn't pay child support for his two children all the while he is having another baby with his girlfriend, I've heard the horror stories about his mom and dad's divorce and we both swore on the day we were married that no matter what happened we would always remain friends and we would never stoop to that level. We agreed that we would remain respectful of each other and that we would not show our child(ren) how nasty and ugly divorce could really be. I have worked hard at this and everything I do is for my child, I have worked hard to try to overcome the anger and contempt I hold for him and the things he has done so that my son can have a happy life. After his behavior recently I fear that this no longer something I can do as well as I have in the past. Now, mind you, I still will not stoop to the level of bad mouthing the man in front of my son, I will do my best to make my son respect his father and when he is old enough then it will be his choice as to his feelings toward and relationship with his father based on his own information, just like his feelings and choice of relationship with me will be hopefully of his own decision and knowledge of information. I will always do everything possible to make sure I don't do anything to make my son hold a negative impression of me because of my actions.  I will always stand by my son and honor his wishes and do my best to make sure he is happy, healthy and fulfilled in life.

My ex husband has a lot of skeletons currently hiding in his closet and some of them he may not realize that I know exist. He has burned a lot of bridges that he is going to need and our co parenting relationship is one of those bridges. I have done nothing wrong, I spend every minute that I am not at work with my son when I have him, 99% of the time he is only at a sitters (usually family) when I am at work. I apologize for the fact that I have a job, but this is the same job I have held since Keegan was 4 months old, it is ultimately the same schedule I have held for nearly 4 years now. When we were married it wasn't an issue that I couldn't spend 24 hours a day with my son ( no matter how bad I wanted to), It was ok that I had a job I was at for 4-5 days a week and worked 8-10 hours a day, I wasn't considered a bad mother for it....what's changed? Only thing I can see that has changed is that I am happy with someone else and he obviously isn't (as his skeletons will show once they fall out of the closet).

I am happy, I am a good mother and my son is a well mannered little boy who is loved by so many people. I don't wake daily with the worry of someone finding me and my lies out. I go to work, I come home and I support my son. He has clothes and food, he has health insurance, he is loved and happy and always smiling. He is my life and always will be, no matter what!

I have decided I am no longer going to let you hurt me and I am not going to be a victim anymore. I am mad as hell and I am not going to take the disrespect, attitude, or mistreatment anymore. I will not be treated like this any longer.

I had no idea I was so expendable.......

It has been a while since I blogged and I have been thinking I need to do it more lately. I have been incredibly stressed lately over many issues. Money being number one, I have had this irrational fear of not being able to take care of Keegan since the day he was born. There were issues with my ex husband that made me fearful that the day would come where I would not have money for diapers/ formula/ food or anything else Keegs would need. There was a day when I was home alone with Keegs right after he was born and I made him a promise that no matter what mommy would ALWAYS make sure he had anything and everything he would need in life and I would do whatever I had to do to make sure that this promise to him was never broken for any reason. So, needless to say I tend to get a tad worried (ok a lot worried) and very difficult to deal with or be around for certain people who are extrememly close to me. I tend to lash out (usually from lack of sleep) and I tend to clam up and shut others out. In the past I usually have not felt bad about this because the people around me were either part of the reason for the stress or they were not presenting a solution to the issue. These days I have been excruciatingly lucky to have a good man in my life that I have taken this frustration and stress out on and while I realize I shouldn't be taking it out on him, I do it without realizing I am doing it......Chris, I am incredibly ashamed and extremely sorry for my actions when it comes to that and I promise to you to try not to act this way towards you anymore.

I also have realized in the last week just how much ANGER I have towards certain people in my life, particulary my ex husband. We have been seperated for almost 3 years now and I thought I had dealt with all my anger but apparently not. I hold no ill will against him for the mistakes he made, but on the flip side of that I am very angry with him for the mistakes he has made (at least the ones that affected me and Keegan so drastically). I find it a hard line to walk to be soooooo very angry with him while I am soooo happy with my current life. So dear reader, here is my question to you.....How do you let go of so much anger for what was done to you against your will so that you can be happy with your future? I have spent a looooooong time blaming myself for what happened, I just realized in this last year (with the help of a good friend, an amazing boyfriend, and a therapist) that what he did was NOT my fault. He did what he did because HE didn't care and was being incredibly selfish. I CANNOT continue to live in the shadow of HIS mistakes. He screwed up, not me. Mind you, I made my mistakes and I have apologized 10 ways from sunday for those, but none of them did anywhere near the damage as the two mistakes that ended our marriage. I fulfilled my duties as a good wife and a good mother and I will continue to be a good mother for my son's sake alone. My son is my world and NOTHING will ever be more important than him, EVER. I made it a point the day I asked for a divorce to not take the easy way out and to not show my son just how ugly divorce can be. I have been side tracked by my anger on occasion and posted or said things I should not have, I am not sorry for my outbursts but I will try to be better about that for my son's benefit. I have actually been doing my best while typing this to not lower myself into the anger pit inside me and say the things my anger is really screaming in my head. He may NEVER know the full spectrum of the damage his actions caused, I just hope he has learned from his mistakes. Drew, If you read this... I hope you realize I blog about this not to give you a bad name, but because I need to get it out. I don't hate you but I am absolutely furious with you most days and I hope you understand why. I realize you will forever be a part of my life because of Keegan and I respect you as his father, I just wish you would do the same for me.

Another person who hurt me considerably lately is two very close "friends" of mine. I say "friends" with the quotations because in my mind what they did to me was so heinous that I don't know that they ever considered me a friend, nor do I know if I will ever be able to forgive it. I am not going to go too far into specifics because I have no reason to bust them out publicly. They know what they did and I have confronted both of them about it in private. My question is how do you be so selfish to hurt someone so bad after you have been friends for 15 years?! One of them has assured me that it was not anything I did, it was just a selfish action on their part, but how do you just destroy someone's trust in you so badly, especially when that person would have bent over backwards to help you anytime you needed it. How do you do that to someone who would stand up against everyone and everything to defend you when you need it?

I have learned that when you are a good person it is easy to surround yourself with shitty people who are selfish and could care less about you. Too many people out there are looking for an easy target or scapegoat, and as naive as I am I have always been way to willing to be what they need cause I wanted them to like me, love me, be my friend, etc. No amount of caring on my end can make someone care about my feelings, I cannot force people to like me, they have to do it because they genuinely care about me and my feelings. They have to genuinely care about the friendship or relationship, and I guess that just wasn't the case with my ex husband and these two others. these three people were my support system and the three people I felt that I could trust more than anyone in the world for so long. I had no idea they would be the ones to tear me down at my weakest points. I had no idea my feelings and I were so expendable.......