a new me....

I have been struggling... Now, if you know me you are thinking "no way! really?! I never would have guessed!" , right? Ok, so I am not the most private person when it comes to me and my life and my feelings. I am pretty transparent and YES, I know this. I just don't feel the need to be private about much in my life, until recently, and even with that I am still pretty open.

I have had relationships in the past that my best friends (and sometimes not such best friends) have been completely privy to, until Chris. I feel the need to be prtective of this relationship, because there are occasionally such sweet moments or things that he says that I like to have that to myself to recall later and remind myself how much he loves me. It is probably one of the first and few things that is sacred and important to me.  I am insecure, this is also not a secret to anyone who knows me. I have spent my life being torn apart and knocked down, but I always have gotten up, put a smile on my face and stood there waiting for the next blow.  I am also extrememly giving and trusting...even to the point of fault. I will give and give and give to someone who just takes from me.  If they give back, then I usually don't know how to accept.  I trust people right away, I have always believed that I should trust until I am proven that I shouldn't trust someone. This is who I am, I have resigned myself to this. Has it gotten me in trouble? yes. Has it caused multiple psychological  issues? yes. Has it gotten me hurt? YES! 

I have recently (thanks to Chris) learned how to stand up for myself. He made me take a step back and look at how I was allowing myself to be treated and I realized that I didn't like what I saw. I would see myself cower, rush to please someone, apologize for things that were not even my fault and shy away from saying what I really wanted to say. This is not who I was meant to be, anyone who knew me back in HS or as a teen would know that. Once upon a time, I was strong, unafraid, unapologetic, and confident to an extent.  Now, I know I am not the full reason I am not that girl anymore, things have happened to make me the way I am, but I REFUSE to say that I am not somewhat to blame. I have allowed this treatment to happen, therefore I hold some level of responsibility for what has happened to me and how I have been treated. I apologize to myself for letting that happen.

On the verge of thirty I think I have a better idea of who I am and what I am capable of. I am no longer going to be anyone's lap dog, yes woman, or victim. I am  done being scared, I am done cowering, I am done holding back. I am ready to be who I was meant to be and who I wanted to be all those years ago. I am going to stand on my feet, I am going to say "NO!", I am going to believe I am a beautiful person and stop being modest,  I am going to make mistakes and allow myself to feel every bit of it and know that it is ok to be wrong. I have always been beautifully chotic, but it has always been hidden for fear of what other people are going to think.... I'm done hiding it. I am going to be a "freak, strange, and weird".  Label me.... go ahead.... I am no longer afraid of it. 

I am me. I am smart. I am passionate. I am loving. I am a little left of center. I am confident.  I am strong. and I would have it no other way.