Ten Things......

10 Things You Want To Say To 10 People:


1. Keegan/ Squish, I was in a store before you were born and I saw a picture frame that explained a lot of how I felt for you.... It said " Before you were concieved I wanted you, Before you were born I loved you, Before you were here an hour I would've died for you, this is the mirace of love." It spoke volumes of what I felt for you, I love you more than anyone ever could and more than I ever thought I would love anyone.  A lot has happened in my life that I may never understand, but I know why you were given to me. I just want for you to be happy and get everything you deserve in life. You are my miracle and I love you more than anyone will ever understand. Your daddy and I had waited so long for you, you were definitely worth the wait. If you ever wonder if I loved you more than anything else...I do. You are my reason for living and you will never know what your life means to me. You are the best parts of your daddy and I and no one else can be that.  You will turn 3 in about a week and a half and this has absolutely been the most amazing 3 years of my life. I cannot wait to see you grow up and become who you are supposed to be, I have no doubt that you will be phenomenal. There will come a day that you will understand that your family is a little bit different than some other people's but I am not sorry that it is not what some people consider "normal". You have some pretty amazing people who are in your life and have had a hand in shaping who you are and who you will become and I would have it no other way.  Please just know that no matter what happened  in the past and no matter what happens in the future that your daddy and I did everything for you, every choice we make is for you. you may not always understand it, but we love you and only want what is best for you. You will always be my baby and no one can take that away. So go, my boy, and be phenomenal like you are meant to be!


2. Chris, I Love you. You are amazing. I  know that I tell you this all the time, but you really are. No one has ever made me feel as loved as you do. I can feel it when you look at me, when we cuddle and watch movies, even when you just hug me. I feel like I am "home".  I think all along that this is where I was supposed to be. I know our timing was not perfect, but I knew when you kissed me that first night that there was something different about you. It has been 2 wonderful, amazing months and I have never been happier or felt more safe in giving my heart to someone.  I handed it over the night of our first date and never looked back, I am a trusting person, but when I hand over my heart there is always a feeling of trepidation in me. I didn't feel any of that this time, I just KNEW I was doing the right thing.  I want you to be the old man that I am sitting next to when I am 90, I still want to be holding your hand and still be just as in love with you then as I am today, if not more (if that is even possible). Some people may not understand how we have managed to fall so fast and how we just know.....but I don't care. I have always believed that it was possible to just know, and that the person I was supposed to find would just appear one day... I can't think of anyone else I would have rather have had it be. It is amazing to me how you can go your whole life without knowing someone and then one day you can't imagine your life without that person.  I can't wait to see what our future holds, baby. I love you.

3. Drew, first off... I love you. I know we have had our differences and we had a REALLY rough patch, but you truly are one of my bestest friends. I have been madder than hell at you, but you never have actually just turned your back on me when you could have so many times. We definitely have let each other down at times, but we will always be each others back bone and biggest fans.  I am beginning to see the man that I knew you could be, You may not be that 17 year old boy I fell in love with. but you have become a damn good dad and person, I am glad that "drew" is gone and you are happy. I am so sorry that I hurt you, but you know I only did what I thought was best for us. I am thankful that we are able to be what we are. I can't think of anyone I would rather have "grown up" with. We learned a lot and I am thankful that you are here. I am excited to see what you are capable of and see the finished product of the people that we set out to be so long ago.


4. Mom, There are things in our lives that we cannot control, for you it was me. Lord knows you tried to control me no matter how much I pulled away. You always  just wanted the best for me and I know that now. I love you, but I was so angry with you for so long for not telling me thngs that I needed to know. I always thought you just wanted us to be apart, I was just too young tounderstand that sometimes people just forget. I learned to forgive you and realize that it wasn't all your fault and that you meant no harm to me by it. No matter how angry I was I still loved you. I will always love you. I spent so much time being angry with you.....I am sorry. I love you, I know we have had a rough relationship at times, but I can't picture anyone else being my mother.  You are a terrific grandmother and I am blessed to have you in my life and to have you in Keeg's life. He couldn't have gotten a better grandma. I want you to know though that I do worry about you, you do so much and I just want you to be around for a long time momma.... cause even with as independent as I am, I can't ever picture life without you and even the thought of it makes me fall apart. I love you momma.

5. Grandma and Grandpa Searles, I miss you more than you will ever know. I know you are watching me. I hope I make you proud, Thank you for taking such good care of me while you were here. I have tried not to be angry with God for taking you. I have tried to understand he needed you too. I just hate that you are not here to see the boys and my little boy. We miss you and I am sure you see that, I am sure you see the pain we have been in over you guys for the past 22 years. We just miss you, you were our world and it is hard when that is taken from you. I just wish we could have one more day with you guys. I will never forget you and neither will momma. I will make sure Keegan knows about you guys, he needs to know what great people you are and the people who mean so much to his mommy and grandma for so many reasons. One day I hope we will be able to talk about you  without falling apart, I still cry at the mention of you. My therapist says that I never grieved the loss of you and that is something I need to work on, still haven't figured out how to do that yet, 22 years of grief is a lot to deal with. I  love you and miss you more than you will ever understand.


5.Daddy, You are one of a kind. It takes a special man to take on a pain in the ass kid like me and not even think twice about it.  You took care of my grandpa when he was dying and you didn't have to.  You chose to do these things 22 years ago with out a second thought. I will always love and respect you for that. I am sorry I was so hard on you as a kid, I know I apologize all the time for it, but I want you to know that I love you and you will always be my daddy.  I am a daddy's girl and always will be because my daddy is an amazing person and has helped shape me into who I am today.

6. Krissy, Thank you for holding on.  People may not understand our relationship, but I love you. Thankyou for protecting me when I couldn't do it myself. Thank you for  letting me cry it out in your living room, thank you for being there when I called you at 2am crying once again. I love that you have taken such good care of me, but as we have learned in the past few weeks/months. I have to grow up and this relationship is going to take a different turn, I need to not rely on you so much and I need to stand on my own and learn to protect myself. You have taught me well mama bird, now I need to fly. You are still always going to be my sister and I am excited to see what this new dynamic brings to our friendship. I love you and thank you.

7. Luke, Joey and Dakota, My brothers....I love you boys. I know I act very motherly over you guys, and I am sorry that that bother y'all, but that is what it is going to be until we are no longer on earth. You guys are my boys and I love you. You guys are full of potential and capable of so much more than you allow yourselves. I just hope one day you guys see what you are worth and that you finally succeed at what you are each wanting. You guys can do this and I hope that one day you get the motovation to actually do it!

8. Lizzy Beth, my goddess-ninja-superhero.... what do I say to you. you are a shining star, my dear, don't ever forget that. I never realized when you sat 3 desks down from me that I would find a life long friend. You blow me away sometimes and I love that you are the part of me that I have never been able to show.  I am so proud of what you have learned and applied to your life. I am so glad you have been able to open up and stop being scared. Revel in the awesomeness that is you and know that only you could be that amazing and beautiful at it. If I have taught you anything, duckling, be brave... love....and don't be afraid of the pain for it is only temporary.

9.  Scott, we started out dating and ended up being good friends. You are a phenomenal person and I wouldn't know how to not have your presence in me and Keeg's lives. You may be stuck right now, but I have no doubt that, like the phoenix that blesses your blog, you will soar! I am proud to call you my friend and I love you! Keep being the amazing, phenomenal, wonderful person that you are... and don't be scared of making a mistake or remembering your past. It may be painful, but I have no doubt that you will rise above, my dear.   

p.s. Oh and Keep blogging... you are a great writer and I am excited to hear the rest of the story and progress! I have faith in you that it will be great!

10.  for anyone I have missed.... there is a reason you are in my life.... good, bad or indifferent, you have all taught me something. Some of you I have just met and some of you  have been around for years and years. I love you, but it is also 2:30 am and my brain has stopped working. I am also kind of cloudy from all the crying I have done writing the previous 8 entries above.... so please.... forgive me.

Nine Things About Yourself:
1. I am a mother
2. I am a daughter
3. I have failed in my life, but I have also learned from these "failures"
4. I love with all I have even if I believe I will get hurt.
5. I want to be a singer and have wanted to be since before I remember
6. I am smarter than people give me credit for
7. I am fluent in American Sign language since my parents are deaf
8. If I won the lottery, I would help or give money to everyone I know and love and I would share a lot with charity.
9. I honestly believe that as long as you have love you don't need anything else.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart:
1. Be respectful
2. Be giving and charitable, there is always someone you can help
3. Don't think you can walk all over me, I WILL call you on it
4. I don't need the drama or the bullshit, leave it at home
5. be honest and reliable.
6. Either take me for what I am (eccentricites and all) or don't waste my time.
7. Don't be stupid, I don't have the time or patience for stupidity
8. Life is a gift, don't waste it

Seven Things That Cross Your Mind Often:
1. Keeg and his well being
2. Chris
3. Family
4. Friends
5. Money
6. Our schedules
7. My grandparents

Six Things You Wish You Never Did:
1. Wasting time in my life being angry
2. Not going to the college I was accepted to when I graduated.
3. got into the wreck I did
4. Make the decisions with money that I have
5. losing touch with people I care about
6. stupid things I did when I was younger


Five Turn Offs:
1. Disrespectfulness
2. Selfishness
3. Stupidity
4. Ignorance
5. Over confidence

Four Turn Ons:
1. Personality
2. Sense of humor
3. good with children
4. the ability to be strong and loving at the same time

Three Smileys That Describe Your Life:
1. Keegan
2. Chris
3. Eva and Connor

Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die:
1. Raise awesome, beautiful, amazing children
2. Help as many people as I can

One Confession:
1. My goal in life is to be a phenomenal wife and mother.