Therapy

Well, I had my 5th therapy appointment today..... For those of you who don't knowI have been off work since Sept 17th, for stress and anxiety reasons. Coincidentally that was the day I came back from bereavement leave as Grandpa Pickle had just passed away. I think I had finally just had too much and I cracked. I am an expert at falling down, failing and getting hurt and then just stand8ing up, dusting myself off, smiling and continuing on my path as if nothing happened. I have trained myself to perfect this skill and I will always be a pro at it. Honestly, I just don't like to burden others with my issues. There are so many people out there with such worse problems than anything I ever deal with, so I just smile and dust myself off and move on. I think I had just finally hit a wall that I couldn't recover from.

Grandpa Pickle was Andrew's maternal grandpa, I had known this wonderful man for 12 years and while we were never close, He reminded me of my grandpa Harry. I was extremely close to Grandpa Harry until he passed away when I was 8, I very rarely speak of him because I just cannot bring myself to do it. I cry when I do and my heart just hurts when I discuss him or Grandma Irene. They passed almost 22 years ago and I still cannot discuss them (I can't even type this without crying)  They were amazing people and they had a big hand in shaping who I am, even as a person today. There will never come a day when I will be able to thank them enough and I miss them immensly. My therapist has pointed out recently that a  lot of my issues now come from the fact that I have never properly said good bye and I have never really grieved for them. This is probably true, How do you say good bye to someone when you love them that much? Some days I like to believe they are just on an extended vacation, others I like to believe that they are just in a retirement community somewhere and they are just having too much fun with their friends to check in. I know this is unhealthy, but its how I deal with it. Maybe one day I will be able to say good bye and grieve...... but, I don't know how (and I am not sure I want to, because that means I have finally resigned myself to the fact that they are not coming back, and I don't know how to deal with that with out feeling like my heart is caving in and my brain is exploding .)

A lot is going on right this second and I don't really know how to finish this... so I will finish another day.... ...