Hi!
i know you are never going to believe that I am sending you this from your future, but there are going to be some major changes that you are going to go through and I want you to know that in the end, when the dust settles...you are going to be stronger than you are today and you will be a better person for all of it. I know right now your most important choice is whether you are gonna go to class or not, or what you Krissy and Kimmy are going to do Friday night. Enjoy it now, while you can. Now, I am not going to say that you don't have some pretty awesome times coming in your future, but there are some pitfalls that I think you need to know about.
1. There will be some people that will hurt you badly. You wear your heart on your sleeve and want to believe that everyone has good intentions, but this just is not the case. Some people have a mean streak, some people just don't know any better, and some people have the best of intentions and just make mistakes. Sometimes someone just can't love you enough to do what is best for you. Not every one is giving and unselfish, and that is ok. Your run in's with these people teach you some pretty important things and they are things that you need to know. At multiple points you will want to run and hide your heart, don't. Just trust me, be you and keep wearing that heart on your sleeve, it will get better and you will end up where you deserve to be.
2. Your son will be the MOST amazing thing to ever happen to you......point blank. He is funny and sweet and loves you more than any other human being ever could. He is going to need you (even when you think he doesn't). There will be times where you want to scream, pull your hair out and run away....but within minutes he will remind you why you won't ever really want to do it. He is really good at making you laugh after you've reached the end of your rope. Just remember..... MOST amazing thing ever created, and you did it.
3. There will come a day where you feel like your world is crashing down around you, a day where you have to make choices that you DO NOT want to make, but it will be ok. Things will get better, the dust will settle and you will survive. In time you will meet an amazing man who will make you feel like no one else ever has. He will love you more than anyone else ever cared to, and he will treat you like you matter. You deserve this, You will try to push him away (because this is what you are used to doing, get rid of them before they get rid of you, right?) but he will stand strong and not let you do it. He is the first man to be able to stand up to you and still love you at the same time, and while it is scarier than anything you have faced, it is absolutely worth every minute. And I promise it will not take you long to believe that you deserve it and you will be able to accept it and just be happy, really happy for the first time in your life. Embrace it.
Just remember, you are stronger than you think and you deserve more than what you will accept at first. It may take you a little bit but you will figure it all out and in the end you will be living the life you should be. It will never be a "privileged lifestyle" but it will be the most precious thing in the world to you. You will finally feel fulfilled, loved, treasured, brave, courageous, beautiful, capable and confident. I can't wait for you to see it, you are gonna be blown away.
D.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Thirty.......
I thought turning thirty would be completely different than it was, actually I expected it to be very uneventful. I guess that is because that is how every birthday has been for me for the longest time. No one ever made a big deal out of it, usually there wasn't a lot of people who actually remembered......This year was actually amazing though. I am very blessed. I have an amazing son. I have a man in my life who loves me very, very much. Along with him he has brought two amazing kiddos and a group of amazing friends that I just fit into without even trying. I have some amazing friends of my own and a family that loves me very much. If someone told me 10, even 5 years ago that this is where I was going to end up I would have laughed in their face. I am so very blessed to be able to share my life with these amazing people and with you through this blog. I am glad I have somewhere that I can share my feelings, although sometimes it may come out in a jumble and it may be hard to understand what I am thinking or where I am coming from, it helps me to say it. i may not have millions in the bank (Ok, most days I don't even have hundreds lol), I may not have a brand new car or a big, fancy house. I am ok with that though, cause I am blessed enough to have a wonderful, amazing boyfriend with a beautiful soul who is a genuinely good man. I have kiddos that are so much more than just little people, they are beautiful, amazing people that are going to change the world for the better. I have friends and family that would do anything for me and vice versa. I am a lucky, blessed and happy girl, and at 30 there is nothing more I could ask for. I have been through a lot and sometimes did not fully believe I would make it through in one piece, but I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I thank god everyday that I was strong enough to get here, this is where I was meant to be and there is no where else I would rather be, and at thirty there is no other person I would rather see when I look in the mirror. This just starts the second half of my journey in this life and I am not going to take any of it for granted, I am going to live it to the fullest and make it the best that I can for those that I love!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
blessed....
There are some days where I realize just how very blessed I am. I may not have thousands, millions or billions of dollars, I may not even have hundreds of dollars on any given day, but I never believed happiness was monetary anyway. I may have bad days and I may have days where I just want to climb back into bed and just hide under the covers and cry, but then i have days like yesterday and today. Days where I can just stop and take stock of what I DO have.
I have a wonderful family, they may make me absolutely crazy or frustrated somedays, but through lots of talking and hardships we have come to be closer and happier. I know my parents love me immensely and they are always there if I need help or just need to talk something out. My momma is my best friend and always has been. We had a rocky time while I was growing up, I wanted a mother and she wanted a friend, but after all this time I found my way and she has always been there holding my hand the best way she knew how. My daddy is a man who is not responsible for my creation but he IS 100% responsible for my life. I am a daddy's girl, I may not always act like it but I am. He took the reins in my life and turned a spoiled bratty overbearing little girl into a woman who can hold her head high and say that she has always respected herself. Thank you mom and dad for letting me have the space to live and learn all while being behind me to pick me up if I fell.
I have brothers who are my best friends, while I may not be close with my sisters or two of my brothers the younger three have always been my best friends. We have had our fights and scrapes, but when momma picked us up and moved us around we always had each other. I may not always agree with your choices and I may be a little too mothery to you, you have the capability to be incredible men! Go out and be great!
I have three kiddos in my life that are so different from each other but so awesome in their own rights. Keegan, my baby.... is soooo funny, he makes me laugh constantly. He is everything I have ever wanted, as long as I can remember I always knew I wanted to be a mom , I am honored to be the mother of such an awesome, smart, sweet, incredible kid. He is my life and nothing will ever change that. Of course, we cannot forget Connor and Eva, I have only known them for 5 months but I feel incredibly close to them. They are amazing. Eva is so smart and beautiful, she is an amazing girl, I can't wait to see the incredible woman she becomes....watch out world! Connor is so very sweet and loveable and funny, He is constantly telling all the ladies he meets how beautiful they are and its so very sweet when he does it cause you can tell he genuinely means it when he says it. These three kiddos are going to be fantastic adults and they are going to be good people that their families can be proud of, I have no doubt that they are going to change the world for the better and I am beyond happy that I get to be a part of that! Love you kiddos!
My INCREDIBLE boyfriend..... I love you. You have completely changed mine and Keegs lives for the better. I wish you could see what you have done for me, I have never met someone who could face such a storm and still not falter. You are resiliant and strong and confident. I am proud to call you mine and love that you want to be here. I have never had someone support my dreams or have so much faith in me, it is refreshing to know that I get to come home to you every night. You are a sweet, courageous, funny, smart, strong, and gorgeous person inside and out. We have both been through a lot, and have both been hurt badly, but that may be what makes this work. I know there are days where we argue and things are not always going to be perfect and rosy everyday, but you are the first man that is able to stand up to me and I know without a doubt that you will still love me afterwards. I love everything you are, you are my forever and always. I love you, I love you, I love you.
My friends.....Lizzy, Loo, Krissy, Scottopotomus, Natty, and anyone else I may have missed....THANK YOU! I have some of the best friends in the world and if you are reading this it more than likely means you, even if I didn't call you out by name. I have had moments (especially in thelast 2.5 years) where I have been not so loveable and you have stood by me. I don't know where I would be without you guys, there have been a lot of bad people coming in and out of my life and you have always been here. When I am down and need a chat you guys are always here for me and I love your faces for that. There have been amazing memories that I will cherish all my life, thank you for that. Y'all are some of the world's most incredible people, you deserve everything good in the world that you want and if I had the means I would gladly give it to you!
Yes, I am blessed. I already have the MOST important things in my life : love, laughter and friendship. I have had the honor of knowing the most amazing, courageous, loving, smart, strong, giving, supportive people. There are not enough words to express my thank you's, I hope I can be even half as amazing as you guys. I have been through some bad, bad stuff in my life and have been hurt more times than I care to admit, but I have NEVER been alone. I am a very, very, very blessed person and I am so very grateful everyday for that. If you are reading this....Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for being you and being in my life.
I have a wonderful family, they may make me absolutely crazy or frustrated somedays, but through lots of talking and hardships we have come to be closer and happier. I know my parents love me immensely and they are always there if I need help or just need to talk something out. My momma is my best friend and always has been. We had a rocky time while I was growing up, I wanted a mother and she wanted a friend, but after all this time I found my way and she has always been there holding my hand the best way she knew how. My daddy is a man who is not responsible for my creation but he IS 100% responsible for my life. I am a daddy's girl, I may not always act like it but I am. He took the reins in my life and turned a spoiled bratty overbearing little girl into a woman who can hold her head high and say that she has always respected herself. Thank you mom and dad for letting me have the space to live and learn all while being behind me to pick me up if I fell.
I have brothers who are my best friends, while I may not be close with my sisters or two of my brothers the younger three have always been my best friends. We have had our fights and scrapes, but when momma picked us up and moved us around we always had each other. I may not always agree with your choices and I may be a little too mothery to you, you have the capability to be incredible men! Go out and be great!
I have three kiddos in my life that are so different from each other but so awesome in their own rights. Keegan, my baby.... is soooo funny, he makes me laugh constantly. He is everything I have ever wanted, as long as I can remember I always knew I wanted to be a mom , I am honored to be the mother of such an awesome, smart, sweet, incredible kid. He is my life and nothing will ever change that. Of course, we cannot forget Connor and Eva, I have only known them for 5 months but I feel incredibly close to them. They are amazing. Eva is so smart and beautiful, she is an amazing girl, I can't wait to see the incredible woman she becomes....watch out world! Connor is so very sweet and loveable and funny, He is constantly telling all the ladies he meets how beautiful they are and its so very sweet when he does it cause you can tell he genuinely means it when he says it. These three kiddos are going to be fantastic adults and they are going to be good people that their families can be proud of, I have no doubt that they are going to change the world for the better and I am beyond happy that I get to be a part of that! Love you kiddos!
My INCREDIBLE boyfriend..... I love you. You have completely changed mine and Keegs lives for the better. I wish you could see what you have done for me, I have never met someone who could face such a storm and still not falter. You are resiliant and strong and confident. I am proud to call you mine and love that you want to be here. I have never had someone support my dreams or have so much faith in me, it is refreshing to know that I get to come home to you every night. You are a sweet, courageous, funny, smart, strong, and gorgeous person inside and out. We have both been through a lot, and have both been hurt badly, but that may be what makes this work. I know there are days where we argue and things are not always going to be perfect and rosy everyday, but you are the first man that is able to stand up to me and I know without a doubt that you will still love me afterwards. I love everything you are, you are my forever and always. I love you, I love you, I love you.
My friends.....Lizzy, Loo, Krissy, Scottopotomus, Natty, and anyone else I may have missed....THANK YOU! I have some of the best friends in the world and if you are reading this it more than likely means you, even if I didn't call you out by name. I have had moments (especially in thelast 2.5 years) where I have been not so loveable and you have stood by me. I don't know where I would be without you guys, there have been a lot of bad people coming in and out of my life and you have always been here. When I am down and need a chat you guys are always here for me and I love your faces for that. There have been amazing memories that I will cherish all my life, thank you for that. Y'all are some of the world's most incredible people, you deserve everything good in the world that you want and if I had the means I would gladly give it to you!
Yes, I am blessed. I already have the MOST important things in my life : love, laughter and friendship. I have had the honor of knowing the most amazing, courageous, loving, smart, strong, giving, supportive people. There are not enough words to express my thank you's, I hope I can be even half as amazing as you guys. I have been through some bad, bad stuff in my life and have been hurt more times than I care to admit, but I have NEVER been alone. I am a very, very, very blessed person and I am so very grateful everyday for that. If you are reading this....Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for being you and being in my life.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
angry!
It occured to me today just how angry I am at the two of you. You both did everything possible to destroy me, It wasn't enough for you to just hurt me, you had to go the extra mile and really rub it in to make sure I would never forget it. I never realized you could love someone and hate them at the same time. I love you because I know who you are capable of being but I hate you for everything that you felt the need to put me through. I gave and gave and gave, I asked NOTHING in return but that just wasn't enough for you. I have dated a lot of bad people, but you were supposed to be my best friends and you were supposed to protect me, not destroy who I was. You both turned me into a person I did not like, even after I was gone I still hate what you have turned me into. I have worked hard to be a good person and always give more than I asked for in return, I worked hard to be someone that my grandparents would be proud of and you couldn't let that happen. I have worked hard ever since you to be better and to be worthy when I should have realized I already was. I didn't need someone (let alone either of you) to make me feel that way. I was already important, I was confident and happy and a positive person. I deserved better than what you gave me and I wish I would have realized it sooner than I did. I allowed you to control me and my emotions, I was never me when I was with either of you.... I did everything possible to be who you needed. I still sit and let you walk all over me, I generally don't tell you how I really feel about a situation because I am trying to appease you, even still I try to appease you, even after everything you did to me! I am not sure when I will finally realize that I need to stand for myself and not care about your feelings and how you will react to what I really feel and who I really am. I am in a good place but I can never fully feel good cause you never stop! one of you I know for a fact that I will never be rid of and the other I just dont know...... I gave up a long time ago and just stopped caring because I knew it would not change anything. You will never care about anyone but yourself and how you feel about a situation..... for starters you tell me you are happy for me but you aren't. If you were you would acceot being my friend and the fact that the reason that you are not more is because you nailed your own coffin shut when you spat those words in my face. I told you before I walked out that door that if you let me leave I would not be coming back. YOU LET ME WALK OUT THE DOOR AND BECAUSE OF YOUR PRIDE YOU DIDNT EVEN BOTHER CHASING ME, BECAUSE "YOU DON'T CHASE GIRLS"......the funny thing is that if you had just let me come talk to you the night I wanted to then we probably wouldn't be where we are and you would have gotten your way instead of having to fruitlessly beg me to come back. You cannot hurt me anymore, which is a weird sensation for me. don't get me wrong, you can still make me mad, but you cannot hurt me. I gave up, I walked away.... I gave you exactly what you wanted and what you had been asking for. Now you want me to come back? you say it has nothing to do with the fact that I am in love and happy but it is funny that the only time you want me back is when I am over you. You promise that things would not be the same again, but how the fuck am I to take that and believe it when that is all it has been for 2 years?!?!?!?! Every time I came back it was the same damn thing, you only want me when you cant have me and this has not only been a pattern with us..... but a pattern in your whole life! you bounce from woman to woman and you are always looking for the bigger, better, deal. well, I was the best thing to ever happen to you and you thought that you would do better..... now where are you? sitting in a fucking cave and living a miserable life, working and begging me to come back. Some days I can cry because I know what could have been if you had just not been so god damned prideful! I tried again and again to show you what could have been and you saw it, i know you did, but you figured I would waste another 12 years on my life on someone who would not see my greatness. well, that was your mistake, I spent 12 years with a man who always put me last, who walked all over me, who lied repeatedly to me and never took my side.... why would I put myself through that again. I never wanted to be another girl n your massive list, but in the end I have to just realize that this is what I became even though you have told me repeatedly that is not what I was. We both have to face facts, that's exactly what I ended up becoming. You tore apart the one friendship that I thought could never be destroyed.... when my world fell apart you were the first person I could think to call and after everything that has happened I sometimes wish I hadn't. I have spent my life trying to not regret anything I did, but somedays I regret kissing you, I regret letting us become what we became. Somedays I am grateful cause you taught me what I was worth and I was smart enough to get out before you killed me. I learned a lot from both of you, I learned that I am worth more than that and I deserve better than what you gave me, I deserve to be loved, actually loved, and not just used. I learned just how strong I could really be, I never thought I could walk away from my life or someone I cared so much about, but I did and I am better off for it now. Neither of you were ever going to be the man I needed, I didn't need much, just normalcy and someone to actually care about me. Of course I dont know how I expected someone else to care about me when I didn't even care enough about myself to get away from the bad people who were just out to hurt me...... so I guess I am partially to blame for it too. I will never claim innocence in this situation ( either one of them) but I deserved the same treatment I gave you, and if you loved me then you would not have let me accept less than that. I have accepted far less than I deserve for far too long, if my grandfather had been alive to see the way I allowed myself to be treated he would have lost it and I am ashamed that I know he is somewhere watching me knowing that he has watched all of this and I couldn't change it before it was too late..... I lost myself somewhere and I wish I knew where and when so that I could go back and get that girl and be her again. I wish we could all go back to when we were younger and smarter, the two boys I knew would never have done this to me, and they would be ashamed if they could see the men that they grow into.... and that girl would be ashamed of who she becomes...... I am sorry for anything I may have done to hurt either of you ( and even now I am sitting here trying to figure out why I am apologizing..... you destroyed me!) .........One of you gave me a beautiful son though and my only hope in life is that he becomes someone he can be proud of, That he can become someone better than his father could ever be...... and if I have anything to say about it he will......
Friday, October 22, 2010
Chris.....
I have been in a lot of bad relationships over the years and some of them I knew were bad during the relationship, some I didn't realize until after the relationship was over. Some were bad because of situations and some were bad because of the compatibility between me and the other person. Each of those relationships have taught me something though......how to appreciate a good relationship when it comes along. And come along it has!
I have spent my life dreaming of a real life "love story" like the one my grandparents had. They were each other's 2nd marriage and they loved each other more than anything in the world. My grandmother Irene passed away in Oct of 89, my grandpa quickly fell apart and gave up the will to live. He passed in Dec. of 89, almost exactly 2 months to the day of my grandmothers passing. To me, even at 8, this spoke volumes of my grandpa's love for my grandma. He just could not bear to go on without her and didn't even want to try to, I could tell that every morning when he woke up he had no clue how to go on without her (I could see it in his eyes) and he had no idea how to go to bed alone without her every night. While the 2 months between their passings was hard on us, I can only imagine the personal hell that my grandpa was going through without his soul mate and best friend at his side. All the years I was around my grandparents I could tell how much love they had for each other. It was just alive around them, it was tangible, you could not only feel and see it, you could taste it. There was never ANY doubt that they were still madly in love with each other until their final days together, and even in death my grandpa could not bear to go on without her. I feel that had it be a reversed situation, my grandmother would have done the same thing as my grandpa did.
I have always wanted to find my soul-mate and best friend, I have always wanted to be in love, but more importantly....I have always wanted what my grandparents shared. Someone who would love me and want me as much as I loved and wanted them. Someone who could finally make me feel like I was good enough, and someone who could make me want to be a better person. Someone I could trust with my heart and know that they would not hurt me just because they could or just to knock me down a peg or two.
I met Chris about 2 months ago and while the timing was not perfect or ideal, neither of us could deny that it just felt "right". I gave him my number that night (the way he was so nervous was sooooo adorable) and tried to convince myself all the way home and all the next morning that if he didn't call I would be ok. Sure enough, around noon, I got a text message from him asking if he could make me dinner that night. I spent an hour terrified to say yes (for fear of getting hurt), but not terrified enough to say no (because I could already tell that I REALLY liked him). I ended up going to dinner that night and it was the best decision I ever made. Everything was so comfortable and easy (how I figured love was always supposed to be....) The entire night I felt like I was hanging out with my best friend, he was so easy to talk to and just be around. I could tell this time was going to be different, I knew Chris was different from other men I had dated or been in relationships with.
Now, I am not going to say that every day for the last 2 months have been rosy and perfect, but it has been amazing. Chris and I are capable of communicating, we are able to just be together and just be ourselves. I knew I was absolutely in love with him when we were talking on the phone one night about a week into our relationship and he started telling me a story about how some of his employees were talking about the movie "Who framed Roger Rabbit?". The synopsis of the movie that followed just amazed me and made me laugh harder than I have probably EVER laughed in my life. It wasn't anything extravagant, but just they way he said it and the tone in his voice, just amazed me and made me realize just how incredibly, amazingly, and wonderfully smart and funny he was (which are two of my major weaknesses). I knew in that very moment that there was no way I could live the rest of my life without this man in it. I knew this was the man I had been searching my entire life for, and the man that I wanted to wake up to when I was 90. I spent the next week doing everything in my power to not say "I love you" for fear of scaring him off or freaking him out.
One night I was making him dinner and was in the process of cutting and baking raw chicken (I cannot stand the feel of raw chicken, it grosses me out lol) and I started to say "you know I must like you if I am touching raw chicken for you" and instead I said "you know I must LOVE you if I am touching raw chicken for you". I will never forget that, Chris just stopped and looked at me for about 10 seconds while I just stared straight ahead and hoped he hadn't picked up on it, terrified he was going to freak out (although I knew by the way he stopped mid motion that he HAD heard EVERY word of it). He said "Did you just say you love me?", I sheepishly said "Yes.....", He said "I love you too" and I could tell he meant every word of it.
He is amazing, sweet, incredible, sexy and sooooo very good to me. I have no doubt that this is the man I was supposed to find and end up with, I am only sorry that it took this long for us to find each other. My theory is that we weren't ready for each other until now and that is why it took so long for us to find each other. We have both been hurt before and we have both been through enough to know how to do it right this time. I finally know where I want to spend my happy ending and who I want to be by my side in that happy ending. I would be naive to believe that everyday for the rest of our lives would be perfect, but it will absolutely be worth it.
I would rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else.
I would rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself.
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy alone.
Remember I'll always love you, you are the one who holds my heart.
I have spent my life dreaming of a real life "love story" like the one my grandparents had. They were each other's 2nd marriage and they loved each other more than anything in the world. My grandmother Irene passed away in Oct of 89, my grandpa quickly fell apart and gave up the will to live. He passed in Dec. of 89, almost exactly 2 months to the day of my grandmothers passing. To me, even at 8, this spoke volumes of my grandpa's love for my grandma. He just could not bear to go on without her and didn't even want to try to, I could tell that every morning when he woke up he had no clue how to go on without her (I could see it in his eyes) and he had no idea how to go to bed alone without her every night. While the 2 months between their passings was hard on us, I can only imagine the personal hell that my grandpa was going through without his soul mate and best friend at his side. All the years I was around my grandparents I could tell how much love they had for each other. It was just alive around them, it was tangible, you could not only feel and see it, you could taste it. There was never ANY doubt that they were still madly in love with each other until their final days together, and even in death my grandpa could not bear to go on without her. I feel that had it be a reversed situation, my grandmother would have done the same thing as my grandpa did.
I have always wanted to find my soul-mate and best friend, I have always wanted to be in love, but more importantly....I have always wanted what my grandparents shared. Someone who would love me and want me as much as I loved and wanted them. Someone who could finally make me feel like I was good enough, and someone who could make me want to be a better person. Someone I could trust with my heart and know that they would not hurt me just because they could or just to knock me down a peg or two.
I met Chris about 2 months ago and while the timing was not perfect or ideal, neither of us could deny that it just felt "right". I gave him my number that night (the way he was so nervous was sooooo adorable) and tried to convince myself all the way home and all the next morning that if he didn't call I would be ok. Sure enough, around noon, I got a text message from him asking if he could make me dinner that night. I spent an hour terrified to say yes (for fear of getting hurt), but not terrified enough to say no (because I could already tell that I REALLY liked him). I ended up going to dinner that night and it was the best decision I ever made. Everything was so comfortable and easy (how I figured love was always supposed to be....) The entire night I felt like I was hanging out with my best friend, he was so easy to talk to and just be around. I could tell this time was going to be different, I knew Chris was different from other men I had dated or been in relationships with.
Now, I am not going to say that every day for the last 2 months have been rosy and perfect, but it has been amazing. Chris and I are capable of communicating, we are able to just be together and just be ourselves. I knew I was absolutely in love with him when we were talking on the phone one night about a week into our relationship and he started telling me a story about how some of his employees were talking about the movie "Who framed Roger Rabbit?". The synopsis of the movie that followed just amazed me and made me laugh harder than I have probably EVER laughed in my life. It wasn't anything extravagant, but just they way he said it and the tone in his voice, just amazed me and made me realize just how incredibly, amazingly, and wonderfully smart and funny he was (which are two of my major weaknesses). I knew in that very moment that there was no way I could live the rest of my life without this man in it. I knew this was the man I had been searching my entire life for, and the man that I wanted to wake up to when I was 90. I spent the next week doing everything in my power to not say "I love you" for fear of scaring him off or freaking him out.
One night I was making him dinner and was in the process of cutting and baking raw chicken (I cannot stand the feel of raw chicken, it grosses me out lol) and I started to say "you know I must like you if I am touching raw chicken for you" and instead I said "you know I must LOVE you if I am touching raw chicken for you". I will never forget that, Chris just stopped and looked at me for about 10 seconds while I just stared straight ahead and hoped he hadn't picked up on it, terrified he was going to freak out (although I knew by the way he stopped mid motion that he HAD heard EVERY word of it). He said "Did you just say you love me?", I sheepishly said "Yes.....", He said "I love you too" and I could tell he meant every word of it.
He is amazing, sweet, incredible, sexy and sooooo very good to me. I have no doubt that this is the man I was supposed to find and end up with, I am only sorry that it took this long for us to find each other. My theory is that we weren't ready for each other until now and that is why it took so long for us to find each other. We have both been hurt before and we have both been through enough to know how to do it right this time. I finally know where I want to spend my happy ending and who I want to be by my side in that happy ending. I would be naive to believe that everyday for the rest of our lives would be perfect, but it will absolutely be worth it.
I would rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else.
I would rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself.
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy alone.
Remember I'll always love you, you are the one who holds my heart.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Therapy
Well, I had my 5th therapy appointment today..... For those of you who don't knowI have been off work since Sept 17th, for stress and anxiety reasons. Coincidentally that was the day I came back from bereavement leave as Grandpa Pickle had just passed away. I think I had finally just had too much and I cracked. I am an expert at falling down, failing and getting hurt and then just stand8ing up, dusting myself off, smiling and continuing on my path as if nothing happened. I have trained myself to perfect this skill and I will always be a pro at it. Honestly, I just don't like to burden others with my issues. There are so many people out there with such worse problems than anything I ever deal with, so I just smile and dust myself off and move on. I think I had just finally hit a wall that I couldn't recover from.
Grandpa Pickle was Andrew's maternal grandpa, I had known this wonderful man for 12 years and while we were never close, He reminded me of my grandpa Harry. I was extremely close to Grandpa Harry until he passed away when I was 8, I very rarely speak of him because I just cannot bring myself to do it. I cry when I do and my heart just hurts when I discuss him or Grandma Irene. They passed almost 22 years ago and I still cannot discuss them (I can't even type this without crying) They were amazing people and they had a big hand in shaping who I am, even as a person today. There will never come a day when I will be able to thank them enough and I miss them immensly. My therapist has pointed out recently that a lot of my issues now come from the fact that I have never properly said good bye and I have never really grieved for them. This is probably true, How do you say good bye to someone when you love them that much? Some days I like to believe they are just on an extended vacation, others I like to believe that they are just in a retirement community somewhere and they are just having too much fun with their friends to check in. I know this is unhealthy, but its how I deal with it. Maybe one day I will be able to say good bye and grieve...... but, I don't know how (and I am not sure I want to, because that means I have finally resigned myself to the fact that they are not coming back, and I don't know how to deal with that with out feeling like my heart is caving in and my brain is exploding .)
A lot is going on right this second and I don't really know how to finish this... so I will finish another day.... ...
Grandpa Pickle was Andrew's maternal grandpa, I had known this wonderful man for 12 years and while we were never close, He reminded me of my grandpa Harry. I was extremely close to Grandpa Harry until he passed away when I was 8, I very rarely speak of him because I just cannot bring myself to do it. I cry when I do and my heart just hurts when I discuss him or Grandma Irene. They passed almost 22 years ago and I still cannot discuss them (I can't even type this without crying) They were amazing people and they had a big hand in shaping who I am, even as a person today. There will never come a day when I will be able to thank them enough and I miss them immensly. My therapist has pointed out recently that a lot of my issues now come from the fact that I have never properly said good bye and I have never really grieved for them. This is probably true, How do you say good bye to someone when you love them that much? Some days I like to believe they are just on an extended vacation, others I like to believe that they are just in a retirement community somewhere and they are just having too much fun with their friends to check in. I know this is unhealthy, but its how I deal with it. Maybe one day I will be able to say good bye and grieve...... but, I don't know how (and I am not sure I want to, because that means I have finally resigned myself to the fact that they are not coming back, and I don't know how to deal with that with out feeling like my heart is caving in and my brain is exploding .)
A lot is going on right this second and I don't really know how to finish this... so I will finish another day.... ...
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Ten Things......
10 Things You Want To Say To 10 People:
1. Keegan/ Squish, I was in a store before you were born and I saw a picture frame that explained a lot of how I felt for you.... It said " Before you were concieved I wanted you, Before you were born I loved you, Before you were here an hour I would've died for you, this is the mirace of love." It spoke volumes of what I felt for you, I love you more than anyone ever could and more than I ever thought I would love anyone. A lot has happened in my life that I may never understand, but I know why you were given to me. I just want for you to be happy and get everything you deserve in life. You are my miracle and I love you more than anyone will ever understand. Your daddy and I had waited so long for you, you were definitely worth the wait. If you ever wonder if I loved you more than anything else...I do. You are my reason for living and you will never know what your life means to me. You are the best parts of your daddy and I and no one else can be that. You will turn 3 in about a week and a half and this has absolutely been the most amazing 3 years of my life. I cannot wait to see you grow up and become who you are supposed to be, I have no doubt that you will be phenomenal. There will come a day that you will understand that your family is a little bit different than some other people's but I am not sorry that it is not what some people consider "normal". You have some pretty amazing people who are in your life and have had a hand in shaping who you are and who you will become and I would have it no other way. Please just know that no matter what happened in the past and no matter what happens in the future that your daddy and I did everything for you, every choice we make is for you. you may not always understand it, but we love you and only want what is best for you. You will always be my baby and no one can take that away. So go, my boy, and be phenomenal like you are meant to be!
2. Chris, I Love you. You are amazing. I know that I tell you this all the time, but you really are. No one has ever made me feel as loved as you do. I can feel it when you look at me, when we cuddle and watch movies, even when you just hug me. I feel like I am "home". I think all along that this is where I was supposed to be. I know our timing was not perfect, but I knew when you kissed me that first night that there was something different about you. It has been 2 wonderful, amazing months and I have never been happier or felt more safe in giving my heart to someone. I handed it over the night of our first date and never looked back, I am a trusting person, but when I hand over my heart there is always a feeling of trepidation in me. I didn't feel any of that this time, I just KNEW I was doing the right thing. I want you to be the old man that I am sitting next to when I am 90, I still want to be holding your hand and still be just as in love with you then as I am today, if not more (if that is even possible). Some people may not understand how we have managed to fall so fast and how we just know.....but I don't care. I have always believed that it was possible to just know, and that the person I was supposed to find would just appear one day... I can't think of anyone else I would have rather have had it be. It is amazing to me how you can go your whole life without knowing someone and then one day you can't imagine your life without that person. I can't wait to see what our future holds, baby. I love you.
3. Drew, first off... I love you. I know we have had our differences and we had a REALLY rough patch, but you truly are one of my bestest friends. I have been madder than hell at you, but you never have actually just turned your back on me when you could have so many times. We definitely have let each other down at times, but we will always be each others back bone and biggest fans. I am beginning to see the man that I knew you could be, You may not be that 17 year old boy I fell in love with. but you have become a damn good dad and person, I am glad that "drew" is gone and you are happy. I am so sorry that I hurt you, but you know I only did what I thought was best for us. I am thankful that we are able to be what we are. I can't think of anyone I would rather have "grown up" with. We learned a lot and I am thankful that you are here. I am excited to see what you are capable of and see the finished product of the people that we set out to be so long ago.
4. Mom, There are things in our lives that we cannot control, for you it was me. Lord knows you tried to control me no matter how much I pulled away. You always just wanted the best for me and I know that now. I love you, but I was so angry with you for so long for not telling me thngs that I needed to know. I always thought you just wanted us to be apart, I was just too young tounderstand that sometimes people just forget. I learned to forgive you and realize that it wasn't all your fault and that you meant no harm to me by it. No matter how angry I was I still loved you. I will always love you. I spent so much time being angry with you.....I am sorry. I love you, I know we have had a rough relationship at times, but I can't picture anyone else being my mother. You are a terrific grandmother and I am blessed to have you in my life and to have you in Keeg's life. He couldn't have gotten a better grandma. I want you to know though that I do worry about you, you do so much and I just want you to be around for a long time momma.... cause even with as independent as I am, I can't ever picture life without you and even the thought of it makes me fall apart. I love you momma.
5. Grandma and Grandpa Searles, I miss you more than you will ever know. I know you are watching me. I hope I make you proud, Thank you for taking such good care of me while you were here. I have tried not to be angry with God for taking you. I have tried to understand he needed you too. I just hate that you are not here to see the boys and my little boy. We miss you and I am sure you see that, I am sure you see the pain we have been in over you guys for the past 22 years. We just miss you, you were our world and it is hard when that is taken from you. I just wish we could have one more day with you guys. I will never forget you and neither will momma. I will make sure Keegan knows about you guys, he needs to know what great people you are and the people who mean so much to his mommy and grandma for so many reasons. One day I hope we will be able to talk about you without falling apart, I still cry at the mention of you. My therapist says that I never grieved the loss of you and that is something I need to work on, still haven't figured out how to do that yet, 22 years of grief is a lot to deal with. I love you and miss you more than you will ever understand.
5.Daddy, You are one of a kind. It takes a special man to take on a pain in the ass kid like me and not even think twice about it. You took care of my grandpa when he was dying and you didn't have to. You chose to do these things 22 years ago with out a second thought. I will always love and respect you for that. I am sorry I was so hard on you as a kid, I know I apologize all the time for it, but I want you to know that I love you and you will always be my daddy. I am a daddy's girl and always will be because my daddy is an amazing person and has helped shape me into who I am today.
6. Krissy, Thank you for holding on. People may not understand our relationship, but I love you. Thankyou for protecting me when I couldn't do it myself. Thank you for letting me cry it out in your living room, thank you for being there when I called you at 2am crying once again. I love that you have taken such good care of me, but as we have learned in the past few weeks/months. I have to grow up and this relationship is going to take a different turn, I need to not rely on you so much and I need to stand on my own and learn to protect myself. You have taught me well mama bird, now I need to fly. You are still always going to be my sister and I am excited to see what this new dynamic brings to our friendship. I love you and thank you.
7. Luke, Joey and Dakota, My brothers....I love you boys. I know I act very motherly over you guys, and I am sorry that that bother y'all, but that is what it is going to be until we are no longer on earth. You guys are my boys and I love you. You guys are full of potential and capable of so much more than you allow yourselves. I just hope one day you guys see what you are worth and that you finally succeed at what you are each wanting. You guys can do this and I hope that one day you get the motovation to actually do it!
8. Lizzy Beth, my goddess-ninja-superhero.... what do I say to you. you are a shining star, my dear, don't ever forget that. I never realized when you sat 3 desks down from me that I would find a life long friend. You blow me away sometimes and I love that you are the part of me that I have never been able to show. I am so proud of what you have learned and applied to your life. I am so glad you have been able to open up and stop being scared. Revel in the awesomeness that is you and know that only you could be that amazing and beautiful at it. If I have taught you anything, duckling, be brave... love....and don't be afraid of the pain for it is only temporary.
9. Scott, we started out dating and ended up being good friends. You are a phenomenal person and I wouldn't know how to not have your presence in me and Keeg's lives. You may be stuck right now, but I have no doubt that, like the phoenix that blesses your blog, you will soar! I am proud to call you my friend and I love you! Keep being the amazing, phenomenal, wonderful person that you are... and don't be scared of making a mistake or remembering your past. It may be painful, but I have no doubt that you will rise above, my dear.
p.s. Oh and Keep blogging... you are a great writer and I am excited to hear the rest of the story and progress! I have faith in you that it will be great!
10. for anyone I have missed.... there is a reason you are in my life.... good, bad or indifferent, you have all taught me something. Some of you I have just met and some of you have been around for years and years. I love you, but it is also 2:30 am and my brain has stopped working. I am also kind of cloudy from all the crying I have done writing the previous 8 entries above.... so please.... forgive me.
Nine Things About Yourself:
1. I am a mother
2. I am a daughter
3. I have failed in my life, but I have also learned from these "failures"
4. I love with all I have even if I believe I will get hurt.
5. I want to be a singer and have wanted to be since before I remember
6. I am smarter than people give me credit for
7. I am fluent in American Sign language since my parents are deaf
8. If I won the lottery, I would help or give money to everyone I know and love and I would share a lot with charity.
9. I honestly believe that as long as you have love you don't need anything else.
Eight Ways To Win My Heart:
1. Be respectful
2. Be giving and charitable, there is always someone you can help
3. Don't think you can walk all over me, I WILL call you on it
4. I don't need the drama or the bullshit, leave it at home
5. be honest and reliable.
6. Either take me for what I am (eccentricites and all) or don't waste my time.
7. Don't be stupid, I don't have the time or patience for stupidity
8. Life is a gift, don't waste it
Seven Things That Cross Your Mind Often:
1. Keeg and his well being
2. Chris
3. Family
4. Friends
5. Money
6. Our schedules
7. My grandparents
Six Things You Wish You Never Did:
1. Wasting time in my life being angry
2. Not going to the college I was accepted to when I graduated.
3. got into the wreck I did
4. Make the decisions with money that I have
5. losing touch with people I care about
6. stupid things I did when I was younger
Five Turn Offs:
1. Disrespectfulness
2. Selfishness
3. Stupidity
4. Ignorance
5. Over confidence
Four Turn Ons:
1. Personality
2. Sense of humor
3. good with children
4. the ability to be strong and loving at the same time
Three Smileys That Describe Your Life:
1. Keegan
2. Chris
3. Eva and Connor
Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die:
1. Raise awesome, beautiful, amazing children
2. Help as many people as I can
One Confession:
1. My goal in life is to be a phenomenal wife and mother.
1. Keegan/ Squish, I was in a store before you were born and I saw a picture frame that explained a lot of how I felt for you.... It said " Before you were concieved I wanted you, Before you were born I loved you, Before you were here an hour I would've died for you, this is the mirace of love." It spoke volumes of what I felt for you, I love you more than anyone ever could and more than I ever thought I would love anyone. A lot has happened in my life that I may never understand, but I know why you were given to me. I just want for you to be happy and get everything you deserve in life. You are my miracle and I love you more than anyone will ever understand. Your daddy and I had waited so long for you, you were definitely worth the wait. If you ever wonder if I loved you more than anything else...I do. You are my reason for living and you will never know what your life means to me. You are the best parts of your daddy and I and no one else can be that. You will turn 3 in about a week and a half and this has absolutely been the most amazing 3 years of my life. I cannot wait to see you grow up and become who you are supposed to be, I have no doubt that you will be phenomenal. There will come a day that you will understand that your family is a little bit different than some other people's but I am not sorry that it is not what some people consider "normal". You have some pretty amazing people who are in your life and have had a hand in shaping who you are and who you will become and I would have it no other way. Please just know that no matter what happened in the past and no matter what happens in the future that your daddy and I did everything for you, every choice we make is for you. you may not always understand it, but we love you and only want what is best for you. You will always be my baby and no one can take that away. So go, my boy, and be phenomenal like you are meant to be!
2. Chris, I Love you. You are amazing. I know that I tell you this all the time, but you really are. No one has ever made me feel as loved as you do. I can feel it when you look at me, when we cuddle and watch movies, even when you just hug me. I feel like I am "home". I think all along that this is where I was supposed to be. I know our timing was not perfect, but I knew when you kissed me that first night that there was something different about you. It has been 2 wonderful, amazing months and I have never been happier or felt more safe in giving my heart to someone. I handed it over the night of our first date and never looked back, I am a trusting person, but when I hand over my heart there is always a feeling of trepidation in me. I didn't feel any of that this time, I just KNEW I was doing the right thing. I want you to be the old man that I am sitting next to when I am 90, I still want to be holding your hand and still be just as in love with you then as I am today, if not more (if that is even possible). Some people may not understand how we have managed to fall so fast and how we just know.....but I don't care. I have always believed that it was possible to just know, and that the person I was supposed to find would just appear one day... I can't think of anyone else I would have rather have had it be. It is amazing to me how you can go your whole life without knowing someone and then one day you can't imagine your life without that person. I can't wait to see what our future holds, baby. I love you.
3. Drew, first off... I love you. I know we have had our differences and we had a REALLY rough patch, but you truly are one of my bestest friends. I have been madder than hell at you, but you never have actually just turned your back on me when you could have so many times. We definitely have let each other down at times, but we will always be each others back bone and biggest fans. I am beginning to see the man that I knew you could be, You may not be that 17 year old boy I fell in love with. but you have become a damn good dad and person, I am glad that "drew" is gone and you are happy. I am so sorry that I hurt you, but you know I only did what I thought was best for us. I am thankful that we are able to be what we are. I can't think of anyone I would rather have "grown up" with. We learned a lot and I am thankful that you are here. I am excited to see what you are capable of and see the finished product of the people that we set out to be so long ago.
4. Mom, There are things in our lives that we cannot control, for you it was me. Lord knows you tried to control me no matter how much I pulled away. You always just wanted the best for me and I know that now. I love you, but I was so angry with you for so long for not telling me thngs that I needed to know. I always thought you just wanted us to be apart, I was just too young tounderstand that sometimes people just forget. I learned to forgive you and realize that it wasn't all your fault and that you meant no harm to me by it. No matter how angry I was I still loved you. I will always love you. I spent so much time being angry with you.....I am sorry. I love you, I know we have had a rough relationship at times, but I can't picture anyone else being my mother. You are a terrific grandmother and I am blessed to have you in my life and to have you in Keeg's life. He couldn't have gotten a better grandma. I want you to know though that I do worry about you, you do so much and I just want you to be around for a long time momma.... cause even with as independent as I am, I can't ever picture life without you and even the thought of it makes me fall apart. I love you momma.
5. Grandma and Grandpa Searles, I miss you more than you will ever know. I know you are watching me. I hope I make you proud, Thank you for taking such good care of me while you were here. I have tried not to be angry with God for taking you. I have tried to understand he needed you too. I just hate that you are not here to see the boys and my little boy. We miss you and I am sure you see that, I am sure you see the pain we have been in over you guys for the past 22 years. We just miss you, you were our world and it is hard when that is taken from you. I just wish we could have one more day with you guys. I will never forget you and neither will momma. I will make sure Keegan knows about you guys, he needs to know what great people you are and the people who mean so much to his mommy and grandma for so many reasons. One day I hope we will be able to talk about you without falling apart, I still cry at the mention of you. My therapist says that I never grieved the loss of you and that is something I need to work on, still haven't figured out how to do that yet, 22 years of grief is a lot to deal with. I love you and miss you more than you will ever understand.
5.Daddy, You are one of a kind. It takes a special man to take on a pain in the ass kid like me and not even think twice about it. You took care of my grandpa when he was dying and you didn't have to. You chose to do these things 22 years ago with out a second thought. I will always love and respect you for that. I am sorry I was so hard on you as a kid, I know I apologize all the time for it, but I want you to know that I love you and you will always be my daddy. I am a daddy's girl and always will be because my daddy is an amazing person and has helped shape me into who I am today.
6. Krissy, Thank you for holding on. People may not understand our relationship, but I love you. Thankyou for protecting me when I couldn't do it myself. Thank you for letting me cry it out in your living room, thank you for being there when I called you at 2am crying once again. I love that you have taken such good care of me, but as we have learned in the past few weeks/months. I have to grow up and this relationship is going to take a different turn, I need to not rely on you so much and I need to stand on my own and learn to protect myself. You have taught me well mama bird, now I need to fly. You are still always going to be my sister and I am excited to see what this new dynamic brings to our friendship. I love you and thank you.
7. Luke, Joey and Dakota, My brothers....I love you boys. I know I act very motherly over you guys, and I am sorry that that bother y'all, but that is what it is going to be until we are no longer on earth. You guys are my boys and I love you. You guys are full of potential and capable of so much more than you allow yourselves. I just hope one day you guys see what you are worth and that you finally succeed at what you are each wanting. You guys can do this and I hope that one day you get the motovation to actually do it!
8. Lizzy Beth, my goddess-ninja-superhero.... what do I say to you. you are a shining star, my dear, don't ever forget that. I never realized when you sat 3 desks down from me that I would find a life long friend. You blow me away sometimes and I love that you are the part of me that I have never been able to show. I am so proud of what you have learned and applied to your life. I am so glad you have been able to open up and stop being scared. Revel in the awesomeness that is you and know that only you could be that amazing and beautiful at it. If I have taught you anything, duckling, be brave... love....and don't be afraid of the pain for it is only temporary.
9. Scott, we started out dating and ended up being good friends. You are a phenomenal person and I wouldn't know how to not have your presence in me and Keeg's lives. You may be stuck right now, but I have no doubt that, like the phoenix that blesses your blog, you will soar! I am proud to call you my friend and I love you! Keep being the amazing, phenomenal, wonderful person that you are... and don't be scared of making a mistake or remembering your past. It may be painful, but I have no doubt that you will rise above, my dear.
p.s. Oh and Keep blogging... you are a great writer and I am excited to hear the rest of the story and progress! I have faith in you that it will be great!
10. for anyone I have missed.... there is a reason you are in my life.... good, bad or indifferent, you have all taught me something. Some of you I have just met and some of you have been around for years and years. I love you, but it is also 2:30 am and my brain has stopped working. I am also kind of cloudy from all the crying I have done writing the previous 8 entries above.... so please.... forgive me.
Nine Things About Yourself:
1. I am a mother
2. I am a daughter
3. I have failed in my life, but I have also learned from these "failures"
4. I love with all I have even if I believe I will get hurt.
5. I want to be a singer and have wanted to be since before I remember
6. I am smarter than people give me credit for
7. I am fluent in American Sign language since my parents are deaf
8. If I won the lottery, I would help or give money to everyone I know and love and I would share a lot with charity.
9. I honestly believe that as long as you have love you don't need anything else.
Eight Ways To Win My Heart:
1. Be respectful
2. Be giving and charitable, there is always someone you can help
3. Don't think you can walk all over me, I WILL call you on it
4. I don't need the drama or the bullshit, leave it at home
5. be honest and reliable.
6. Either take me for what I am (eccentricites and all) or don't waste my time.
7. Don't be stupid, I don't have the time or patience for stupidity
8. Life is a gift, don't waste it
Seven Things That Cross Your Mind Often:
1. Keeg and his well being
2. Chris
3. Family
4. Friends
5. Money
6. Our schedules
7. My grandparents
Six Things You Wish You Never Did:
1. Wasting time in my life being angry
2. Not going to the college I was accepted to when I graduated.
3. got into the wreck I did
4. Make the decisions with money that I have
5. losing touch with people I care about
6. stupid things I did when I was younger
Five Turn Offs:
1. Disrespectfulness
2. Selfishness
3. Stupidity
4. Ignorance
5. Over confidence
Four Turn Ons:
1. Personality
2. Sense of humor
3. good with children
4. the ability to be strong and loving at the same time
Three Smileys That Describe Your Life:
1. Keegan
2. Chris
3. Eva and Connor
Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die:
1. Raise awesome, beautiful, amazing children
2. Help as many people as I can
One Confession:
1. My goal in life is to be a phenomenal wife and mother.
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