Wednesday, December 19, 2012

23 years later.....

"Weather man said it’s gonna snow
By now I should be used to the cold.

Living alone here in this place
I think of you, and I’m not afraid
Your favorite records make me feel better
Cause you sing along
With every song
I know you didn’t mean to give them to me

But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you

It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone"

-Over You (Miranda Lambert)


23 years ago the most important man I have ever known left us. My grandfather is the reason I am who I am. He was a hard worker, he was a hero, he taught me to be compassionate and to always believe in the good. I am sure he had his flaws, but at 8 years old I couldn't tell you what they were. I have spent every day since December 19th, 1989 trying to make him proud. Most people who know me know that I do not know my biological dad. I have a great man who has been my father for 23 years now, however, my first "Dad" was my grandfather. He was my everything as a child, his outlook has been what I have based my life on. My fondest memory was the day that he pulled me aside and told me "Amber, there is good everywhere, you just have to find it." He would point out "The good" to me when we were certain places. Even to this day I alwasy look for the "good" in any situation I am in, I can't help it, it's ingrained in me. I could go on and on, but, I'm trying to not break down and cry, I've done that enough today.......

I will say, I didn't know it at 8 years old, but I was blessed to have even just one day with this man. I am blessed to say everyday that I am Harry Claude Searles' granddaughter. I was cherished and loved by an amazing man and everyday I cherish his memory and legacy that continues to live in me. I Love You and I miss you everyday.

Friday, December 14, 2012

how do you explain evil?

How do you explain evil? Today I held my son close and explained to him that his daddy, I, Andrea and Chris love him more than anything in the world. I (like most of the world) watched in horror as children were reported missing or dead. I cried with President Obama when he gave his speech, I cried for the poor, precious, scared kids, I cried for the teachers who were trying desperately to protect their kiddos, I cried for the teachers who dies trying to protect their kiddos and I cried for the families who lost children and adult loved ones alike.

I couldn't imagine a day without my child being around. I couldn't imagine burying him or spending the rest of my life wondering "what might have been", wondering who he would have became, wondering the good he could have done, wondering the kind of parent he would have been. These poor kids lost so much and their families lost just as much, if not more. I can't imagine moving on, I can't imagine waking up tomorrow morning knowing he was gone. I wouldn't get out of bed, I wouldn't be able to look in the mirror.

Our jobs as parents is to keep our kids safe, its to teach them how to grow and be good people. So, How do we explain horrendous days like these???  My son is 5, He is exceptionally curious at this age, he knows who the President is and he knows what sad is, therefore when he saw me crying with President Obama his first question was "Mommy, why are you and the President crying? what's he saying?" I said "Sometimes bad things happen, sometimes there are bad people in this world that hurt people for no reason. This morning there were a lot of kids hurt because of a bad man.". Keegan looked at me and said " I am sorry the bad man made you cry, Mommy.... I love you." I couldn't do anything but hug him and tell him I loved him too knowing full and well that there were parents on the east coast that would not have this comfort tonight.

I've known for a long time that there was evil in this world. I knew way before I should have that there were bad people and that they did bad things. I have always lived my life being the best person I could because I wanted to believe that for each good thing I did it stopped one evil thing from happening......... My faith in that is running thin though. I would like to believe it still works that way but I am not a child and I am not naive. I think we just have too much evil in this world and the good cannot overcome it anymore. People spend so much time putting others down (I've been guilty of this myself, I'm not perfect), they spend time hurting each other for petty reasons and pushing others down just to prove they are right........

I live my life by the premise of being kind and graceful to everyone. I work hard at being kind, it doesn't cost anything, you don't lose anything by being kind. try it..........

Monday, July 9, 2012

Wide Awake.....

" And now it's clear to me that everything you see ain't always what it seems, I was dreaming so long. I wish I knew then what I know now, wouldn't dive in, wouldn't bow down. Gravity hurts, you made it so sweet, til I woke up on, on the concrete......I'm wide awake, not losing any sleep, I picked up every piece, and landed on my feet.......God knows that I tried seeing the bright side, but I'm not blind anymore... I'm Wide Awake" Thank you Katy Perry.

I've come to realize that people are going to let me down sometimes. Maybe my expectations are too high sometimes and that causes me to be disappointed far more than I realize. I have been disappointed enough in my life that sometimes I don't realize I'm disappointed until it has been months (or sometimes even years) down the road. I have spent a lot of time in therapy talking about my expectations and why I am so angry with certain people in my life, and the truth is : I don't know if I am disappointed with them for letting me down or if I am disappointed with myself for allowing ti to happen. In the few MAJOR disappointments in my life I saw it coming but did nothing to stop it because I believed these people cared enough to stop it before it got to me. I EXPECTED them to care enough to stop it from happening, and maybe that was just too much pressure or responsibility for them to handle..... maybe it was my own responsibility in the first place and I had no business putting it off on them.

I still from time to time think about my marriage, my therapist has made it clear that I shouldn't dwell on it but I should consider what happened if I plan to marry again ( which I do, hopefully). I think Andrew and I had very different scenarios of what marriage would be and how it should be. I have said time and time again that we were too young, we had no business getting married (even if the best thing of my life came from it! e.g. Keegan) I considered this thought once before, when Erik ( my bf about 3 years ago) wanted to marry me. All he could talk about is the wedding, there was never talk about life after the wedding except when it came to kids (it was no secret that I wanted (and still want) another child). I realized during our 4th conversation about getting married (or having a wedding) that we never discussed just being husband and wife and what that meant or how important it was, we never discussed being partners, not just getting married. I come from a long line of divorce, it was never something that was explained in my family, it just was what it was. As I grew I learned what divorce was and how ugly it could get. I honestly cannot name one person in my family that has had a successful marriage. Sure, my mom and dad (Rusty) have been together for 23 years this August, but they aren't married. So it was incredibly important for me to make Andrew and my marriage work, even after his infidelity. I tried to hold on but I just couldn't anymore and some days that makes me feel like a failure. However, I have learned from Chris about being a partner in a relationship.... we may fight and we may make each other crazy, I have made idle threats to leave early on in our relationship,  but we realized there was a problem and he was willing (even more than willing) to go with me to see a counselor to fix the issue (something Andrew was always dead set against, even after the affair when we needed it the most). We don't make it a secret that we see a counselor together, I think we are even proud of it (at least I am). Seeing a counselor doesn't mean we are failing, it means we love each other and want to be together enough that we will work hard on making sure we aren't another broken family or statistic, we WANT to work at it and make it a priority. And for that I am proud of us.

I digress, people will let me down. I know I need to be more realistic and expect my loved ones to not be perfect. If you don't screw up every now and then you are not human, right? I need to forgive myself for leaving Andrew and realize that this action does not make me a failure, it makes me human. The saying is "I'm a lover, not a fighter".... well, I am both. I am a lover by nature and I am a fighter by force. I have had to fight my entire life.....I spent six years just trying to survive, asking for no help, being knocked down and losing everything and fighting back from it, stealing and lying to survive, I have been used, lied to, cheated on, and beaten up (both in and out of romantic relationships). I, still at 31, have no idea about my paternal side of my family and probably never will because I have had to realize that the two men, one of whom is my biological father, are deadbeats who left their "real" families and kids while I got lucky enough to have a man in my life who raised me and took me in as his own and made me a fighter. I realized recently just how lucky I am to have a mom and dad who love me and are proud of me, even when I mess up. They may have made MAJOR mistakes from time to time and didn't have much to give us financially growing up but they LOVED us and taught me how to survive on my own. I have lost and sacrificed a LOT in my life, I may have dug myself into many holes, but I have always clawed my way out and landed back on my feet..... I always make the joke that I am like a cockroach, they may have a nasty reputation, but one thing is clear....... you can't kill me, you can't keep me down for long, I always come back and I'll still be here long after the smoke clears. I have learned that I am stronger than I ever imagined and I am proud that my son has a mom like me to teach him that life and people can beat you up but what matters is if you get back up!

I am beyond damaged, I am scarred deeply, I am a hot mess some days, but I am worth more than I believe most days and I am loved by some pretty amazing people. I may have few TRUE friends, but they are friends that I would do anything for because I know they've got my back too. I have a wonderful man who loves me and my son, who would do anything for us as we would him. I am a lucky girl, I didn't fail..... I gave myself a chance to start over and do it better! (and that's what I am going to do!)