I heard a song today by Demi Lovato called "everything you're not". It sounded like a volume of my life from the previous 2 years before Chris.
"I've been bruised and I've been broken, can't believe that I've put up with all this pain. I've been used and I was choking on the promise that I would never fall again. I used to sing to your twisted symphony, the weights that had me trapped inside your misery and now I know the reason why I couldn't breathe cause all I want is everything you're not"
You still cross my mind, don't think that you don't but I know the damage you are capable of, not that I didn't know back then but I trusted you and as I have learned from the one person who HAS loved me, my past and all my therapy, I do not always have the best judgement of who to trust. Just because I think about you does not mean I want anything to do with you. I tried, I tried to be friends, but you have never realized that it is a two way street and I am tired of running both ways. Now, I can breathe and I am grateful for that.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
New Year, New Me
So, 2012 is just around the corner and it is time to reflect on the last year and make goals for the next. They say 2012 is the last year that is on the Mayan Calendar and that means that an apocalypse will come at the end of the year, I say "yeah right"......but what if? what if this is my last year on earth, what if this is all of our last year on earth. What would you want yours to be like. I want mine filled with quality friendship, family, success and most importantly LOVE. This last year of my life has been a roller coaster, It's had its ups and downs and scary parts. There has been a lot of uncertainty and a lot of new things for me to experience. I've spent my first full year with an amazing man who loves me more than anyone else ever has tried to. Chris and I have had our issues, but what couple doesn't? Through it all I know that he is my future and I am his. I know that no matter the difficulty he loves me and I love him enough to make it work. This last year has been a tough one, I am working on a divorce to finally set me free and I am also working on bettering myself and healing from the pain of the destruction that marriage along with all the pain of all the other trauma I have put myself or allowed myself to go through. I have hope that I will be better soon and that, my dear readers, is my goal for 2012..... to simply get better and be better to myself and those that I love.
What is your goal?
What is your goal?
Monday, October 24, 2011
there's been a lot going on lately...... Honestly, some days I don't know how I am still standing.
It's strange how certain things can set someone off. You can be standing strong for years and years and then just one day you are hit with everything like a ton of bricks. You realize your life is not going the way you expected and then you have to rethink your course. I went through 2.5 years of being seperated/ divorced and I find that in certain situations I am still not fully capable of how to deal with it (or my ex husband sometimes for that matter). I find that sometimes we can be capable of being friends and getting along like nothing ever happened between us, and then there are the time when I hold so much resentment for him that it is palatable and tangible. It's in those moments that I have to remember that the mistakes that caused our divorce gave me the chance to be with a man who loves me more than anyone else ever has. I am thankful for this and wish I could find the same thing for my best friend and my ex sister in law cause they both have been through a lot of pain and deserve to be this happy too. I often think of everyone else's happiness before my own cause that is easy, navigating my own life and happiness is not as easy. It is filled with landmines and traps, I don't know that I ever felt that I deserved to be happy, I was not put here to be selfish and keep things for myself, I was put here to give, not take. I am slowly learning how to do the latter because at 30 I have realized it is vital for me to take sometimes in order for me to survive.
I recently found out that my mother is going to have to have open heart surgery for a heart murmur she has had her whole life. It is a vital surgery because the murmur (which is really just a hole in her heart) has enlarged enough that she is having trouble sleeping and breathing. It sounds simple, they are going to have to cut her open, sew up the hole and then close her back up, But for me it is not that simple. I am absolutely terrified, I am terrified that she will die on the table and then what? I have always been scared that something would happen to her, she is all I have. I don't know my biological dad and found out 2 years ago that one of the men who could potentially be my biological father is dead, the other is no where to be found and doesn't have anything to do with the children that he does know about so I doubt he would be much different to me. My "Daddy" is a man who came into my life when I was 8 and has shaped the woman I have become. I don't know who I would be without him. I hold more respect for him than I ever have anyone for the simple fact that he cared for my grandpa when no one else could (including himself) and for that he will always have my utmost respect and love. My brothers are good guys who make mistakes and are learning how to grow up slowly. My mother has taken care of them for a long time and she's gotten good at taking care of others as she gets older, I doubt I will ever be as good as her at it and to be honest I don't want to try and find out. My mom and I have had a very difficult relationship. Growing up I wanted a mom and she wanted to be friends. I learned a lot about how to care for myself enough to survive and I never wanted her help. She did the best that she could and I rebelled against her non rules. I credit her with how I have turned out and I don't mean that I blame her. I just think I became a rule follower due to my lack of rules. I have always loved my mother but I definitely did not want her help because I was way too independent for that. Now at 30 I don't know what I would do without my mother, she is my best friend and I do not know enough to take her place in our family. I keep preparing for the worst because at least one of us is going to have to be prepared if something happens. Someone has to take care of my daddy and brothers...... All I know is that if something does happen to her this world will definitely be a less colorful place..... I love you momma.
I recently found out that my mother is going to have to have open heart surgery for a heart murmur she has had her whole life. It is a vital surgery because the murmur (which is really just a hole in her heart) has enlarged enough that she is having trouble sleeping and breathing. It sounds simple, they are going to have to cut her open, sew up the hole and then close her back up, But for me it is not that simple. I am absolutely terrified, I am terrified that she will die on the table and then what? I have always been scared that something would happen to her, she is all I have. I don't know my biological dad and found out 2 years ago that one of the men who could potentially be my biological father is dead, the other is no where to be found and doesn't have anything to do with the children that he does know about so I doubt he would be much different to me. My "Daddy" is a man who came into my life when I was 8 and has shaped the woman I have become. I don't know who I would be without him. I hold more respect for him than I ever have anyone for the simple fact that he cared for my grandpa when no one else could (including himself) and for that he will always have my utmost respect and love. My brothers are good guys who make mistakes and are learning how to grow up slowly. My mother has taken care of them for a long time and she's gotten good at taking care of others as she gets older, I doubt I will ever be as good as her at it and to be honest I don't want to try and find out. My mom and I have had a very difficult relationship. Growing up I wanted a mom and she wanted to be friends. I learned a lot about how to care for myself enough to survive and I never wanted her help. She did the best that she could and I rebelled against her non rules. I credit her with how I have turned out and I don't mean that I blame her. I just think I became a rule follower due to my lack of rules. I have always loved my mother but I definitely did not want her help because I was way too independent for that. Now at 30 I don't know what I would do without my mother, she is my best friend and I do not know enough to take her place in our family. I keep preparing for the worst because at least one of us is going to have to be prepared if something happens. Someone has to take care of my daddy and brothers...... All I know is that if something does happen to her this world will definitely be a less colorful place..... I love you momma.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
hey you! yeah, you..... can you guess the moral of this story???
I am CONSTANTLY amazed at the level of stupidity that I encounter on a daily basis (and I don't just mean at my job). I am beginning to think that it is me, I find it almost impossible that I, and a very small group of people around me, are the only ones who make any sense. I hear a question and am usually completely dumbfounded lately on how to answer without sounding like a total douche. I am beginning to wonder if the movie Idiocracy wasn't a documentary on what is going to happen. I am sorry, I just cannot live in a world where everything "craves electrolytes", I just can't do it..... :)
I just feel like I am at a point in my life where all I can ever say is "I don't care anymore, I give up, do whatever you want", It seems like no matter what I say it is not enough and will not convince anyone of anything and if I have to hear "are you 100% sure?" repeated at me again I am going to go postal and start punching people in the face. Of course I am sure, you twat! Otherwise I would have said "maybe it can be done, it looks like it can be done or it should be able to be done" but no, I said "It CAN be done" last time I checked the confidence with which I said that means that I am "100% sure"..... ugh.
Here is another thing, If you want help with something then why are you acting like a jackass? Have you ever sat there and said "I would sure like someone to call me a bunch of names and cuss at me and then ask me for help so I can feel useful...." Really?!?!?! Cussing at me and being a world class douche does not make me want to help you, it makes me LOATHE you and want to help you even less, or at least help you to the edge of a cliff before I push your dumb butt off and pray that I hear the splat when you hit the ground. Being nasty to someone trying to help you is the equivalent of being hateful and nasty to a server and expecting to get food that has not been spit in (or worse).... just doesn't happen.
I guess I just don't get people.... I just don't understand what makes some people who they are. I wonder if people think that about me, is the fact that I am so nice and accommodating a foreign concept and point of contention for the race of doucebags that I encounter regularly? I get a lot of people at work and in everyday life that are baffled by how nice I am and how far I will go to help someone that has been nice to me and then I wonder what they must think of me, is it unusal to encounter someone that will bend over backwards to help someone who is polite, respectful and not a complete idiot? Apparently it is........
Just a tip: even if you cannot see someone when you are talking to them, or just because they may hold a job that pays less than yours, or even if they hold a job you wouldn't do doesn't mean they are any less of a person than you are, it just means that maybe they are making the best out of what they have been given. just remember karma is the other white meat... it's what's for dinner.
moral of the story..... don't be a douche
I just feel like I am at a point in my life where all I can ever say is "I don't care anymore, I give up, do whatever you want", It seems like no matter what I say it is not enough and will not convince anyone of anything and if I have to hear "are you 100% sure?" repeated at me again I am going to go postal and start punching people in the face. Of course I am sure, you twat! Otherwise I would have said "maybe it can be done, it looks like it can be done or it should be able to be done" but no, I said "It CAN be done" last time I checked the confidence with which I said that means that I am "100% sure"..... ugh.
Here is another thing, If you want help with something then why are you acting like a jackass? Have you ever sat there and said "I would sure like someone to call me a bunch of names and cuss at me and then ask me for help so I can feel useful...." Really?!?!?! Cussing at me and being a world class douche does not make me want to help you, it makes me LOATHE you and want to help you even less, or at least help you to the edge of a cliff before I push your dumb butt off and pray that I hear the splat when you hit the ground. Being nasty to someone trying to help you is the equivalent of being hateful and nasty to a server and expecting to get food that has not been spit in (or worse).... just doesn't happen.
I guess I just don't get people.... I just don't understand what makes some people who they are. I wonder if people think that about me, is the fact that I am so nice and accommodating a foreign concept and point of contention for the race of doucebags that I encounter regularly? I get a lot of people at work and in everyday life that are baffled by how nice I am and how far I will go to help someone that has been nice to me and then I wonder what they must think of me, is it unusal to encounter someone that will bend over backwards to help someone who is polite, respectful and not a complete idiot? Apparently it is........
Just a tip: even if you cannot see someone when you are talking to them, or just because they may hold a job that pays less than yours, or even if they hold a job you wouldn't do doesn't mean they are any less of a person than you are, it just means that maybe they are making the best out of what they have been given. just remember karma is the other white meat... it's what's for dinner.
moral of the story..... don't be a douche
Saturday, August 6, 2011
I will not be your victim anymore. I expect respect and am finally putting my foot down.
Some of you may have seen my status the other night mentioning about someone lecturing me about my son being at a baby sitters, at home with my boyfriend or with family while I am at work. Well, this little gem came from my ex husband. Just one more attempt to break me down so that he can get whatever he wants. Well, I usually get highly offended at the sheer thought of someone even accusing me of being a bad mother because my biggest goal in life is to be the best mother I can be. So, I made a decision on my hour long drive home last night that I was gonna stop being a victim and start standing up to my ex husband. I am no longer going to let him say what he wants or make me feel bad for anything. I may have been the one to ask for the divorce and he may have been hurt by that but what he did to me and our family was way worse than any pain I ever could have caused him. Regardless of who caused who more pain I believed from day one (and made him perfectly aware) that we still needed to be friendly and respectful for our son's sake. This is when he started with the attitude, I am still not sure to this day wether he is aware that the way he has been behaving since then is disrespectful or if he just doesn't care.
I watched the way his brother treated his ex wife and the fact that he doesn't pay child support for his two children all the while he is having another baby with his girlfriend, I've heard the horror stories about his mom and dad's divorce and we both swore on the day we were married that no matter what happened we would always remain friends and we would never stoop to that level. We agreed that we would remain respectful of each other and that we would not show our child(ren) how nasty and ugly divorce could really be. I have worked hard at this and everything I do is for my child, I have worked hard to try to overcome the anger and contempt I hold for him and the things he has done so that my son can have a happy life. After his behavior recently I fear that this no longer something I can do as well as I have in the past. Now, mind you, I still will not stoop to the level of bad mouthing the man in front of my son, I will do my best to make my son respect his father and when he is old enough then it will be his choice as to his feelings toward and relationship with his father based on his own information, just like his feelings and choice of relationship with me will be hopefully of his own decision and knowledge of information. I will always do everything possible to make sure I don't do anything to make my son hold a negative impression of me because of my actions. I will always stand by my son and honor his wishes and do my best to make sure he is happy, healthy and fulfilled in life.
My ex husband has a lot of skeletons currently hiding in his closet and some of them he may not realize that I know exist. He has burned a lot of bridges that he is going to need and our co parenting relationship is one of those bridges. I have done nothing wrong, I spend every minute that I am not at work with my son when I have him, 99% of the time he is only at a sitters (usually family) when I am at work. I apologize for the fact that I have a job, but this is the same job I have held since Keegan was 4 months old, it is ultimately the same schedule I have held for nearly 4 years now. When we were married it wasn't an issue that I couldn't spend 24 hours a day with my son ( no matter how bad I wanted to), It was ok that I had a job I was at for 4-5 days a week and worked 8-10 hours a day, I wasn't considered a bad mother for it....what's changed? Only thing I can see that has changed is that I am happy with someone else and he obviously isn't (as his skeletons will show once they fall out of the closet).
I am happy, I am a good mother and my son is a well mannered little boy who is loved by so many people. I don't wake daily with the worry of someone finding me and my lies out. I go to work, I come home and I support my son. He has clothes and food, he has health insurance, he is loved and happy and always smiling. He is my life and always will be, no matter what!
I have decided I am no longer going to let you hurt me and I am not going to be a victim anymore. I am mad as hell and I am not going to take the disrespect, attitude, or mistreatment anymore. I will not be treated like this any longer.
I watched the way his brother treated his ex wife and the fact that he doesn't pay child support for his two children all the while he is having another baby with his girlfriend, I've heard the horror stories about his mom and dad's divorce and we both swore on the day we were married that no matter what happened we would always remain friends and we would never stoop to that level. We agreed that we would remain respectful of each other and that we would not show our child(ren) how nasty and ugly divorce could really be. I have worked hard at this and everything I do is for my child, I have worked hard to try to overcome the anger and contempt I hold for him and the things he has done so that my son can have a happy life. After his behavior recently I fear that this no longer something I can do as well as I have in the past. Now, mind you, I still will not stoop to the level of bad mouthing the man in front of my son, I will do my best to make my son respect his father and when he is old enough then it will be his choice as to his feelings toward and relationship with his father based on his own information, just like his feelings and choice of relationship with me will be hopefully of his own decision and knowledge of information. I will always do everything possible to make sure I don't do anything to make my son hold a negative impression of me because of my actions. I will always stand by my son and honor his wishes and do my best to make sure he is happy, healthy and fulfilled in life.
My ex husband has a lot of skeletons currently hiding in his closet and some of them he may not realize that I know exist. He has burned a lot of bridges that he is going to need and our co parenting relationship is one of those bridges. I have done nothing wrong, I spend every minute that I am not at work with my son when I have him, 99% of the time he is only at a sitters (usually family) when I am at work. I apologize for the fact that I have a job, but this is the same job I have held since Keegan was 4 months old, it is ultimately the same schedule I have held for nearly 4 years now. When we were married it wasn't an issue that I couldn't spend 24 hours a day with my son ( no matter how bad I wanted to), It was ok that I had a job I was at for 4-5 days a week and worked 8-10 hours a day, I wasn't considered a bad mother for it....what's changed? Only thing I can see that has changed is that I am happy with someone else and he obviously isn't (as his skeletons will show once they fall out of the closet).
I am happy, I am a good mother and my son is a well mannered little boy who is loved by so many people. I don't wake daily with the worry of someone finding me and my lies out. I go to work, I come home and I support my son. He has clothes and food, he has health insurance, he is loved and happy and always smiling. He is my life and always will be, no matter what!
I have decided I am no longer going to let you hurt me and I am not going to be a victim anymore. I am mad as hell and I am not going to take the disrespect, attitude, or mistreatment anymore. I will not be treated like this any longer.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
I had no idea I was so expendable.......
It has been a while since I blogged and I have been thinking I need to do it more lately. I have been incredibly stressed lately over many issues. Money being number one, I have had this irrational fear of not being able to take care of Keegan since the day he was born. There were issues with my ex husband that made me fearful that the day would come where I would not have money for diapers/ formula/ food or anything else Keegs would need. There was a day when I was home alone with Keegs right after he was born and I made him a promise that no matter what mommy would ALWAYS make sure he had anything and everything he would need in life and I would do whatever I had to do to make sure that this promise to him was never broken for any reason. So, needless to say I tend to get a tad worried (ok a lot worried) and very difficult to deal with or be around for certain people who are extrememly close to me. I tend to lash out (usually from lack of sleep) and I tend to clam up and shut others out. In the past I usually have not felt bad about this because the people around me were either part of the reason for the stress or they were not presenting a solution to the issue. These days I have been excruciatingly lucky to have a good man in my life that I have taken this frustration and stress out on and while I realize I shouldn't be taking it out on him, I do it without realizing I am doing it......Chris, I am incredibly ashamed and extremely sorry for my actions when it comes to that and I promise to you to try not to act this way towards you anymore.
I also have realized in the last week just how much ANGER I have towards certain people in my life, particulary my ex husband. We have been seperated for almost 3 years now and I thought I had dealt with all my anger but apparently not. I hold no ill will against him for the mistakes he made, but on the flip side of that I am very angry with him for the mistakes he has made (at least the ones that affected me and Keegan so drastically). I find it a hard line to walk to be soooooo very angry with him while I am soooo happy with my current life. So dear reader, here is my question to you.....How do you let go of so much anger for what was done to you against your will so that you can be happy with your future? I have spent a looooooong time blaming myself for what happened, I just realized in this last year (with the help of a good friend, an amazing boyfriend, and a therapist) that what he did was NOT my fault. He did what he did because HE didn't care and was being incredibly selfish. I CANNOT continue to live in the shadow of HIS mistakes. He screwed up, not me. Mind you, I made my mistakes and I have apologized 10 ways from sunday for those, but none of them did anywhere near the damage as the two mistakes that ended our marriage. I fulfilled my duties as a good wife and a good mother and I will continue to be a good mother for my son's sake alone. My son is my world and NOTHING will ever be more important than him, EVER. I made it a point the day I asked for a divorce to not take the easy way out and to not show my son just how ugly divorce can be. I have been side tracked by my anger on occasion and posted or said things I should not have, I am not sorry for my outbursts but I will try to be better about that for my son's benefit. I have actually been doing my best while typing this to not lower myself into the anger pit inside me and say the things my anger is really screaming in my head. He may NEVER know the full spectrum of the damage his actions caused, I just hope he has learned from his mistakes. Drew, If you read this... I hope you realize I blog about this not to give you a bad name, but because I need to get it out. I don't hate you but I am absolutely furious with you most days and I hope you understand why. I realize you will forever be a part of my life because of Keegan and I respect you as his father, I just wish you would do the same for me.
Another person who hurt me considerably lately is two very close "friends" of mine. I say "friends" with the quotations because in my mind what they did to me was so heinous that I don't know that they ever considered me a friend, nor do I know if I will ever be able to forgive it. I am not going to go too far into specifics because I have no reason to bust them out publicly. They know what they did and I have confronted both of them about it in private. My question is how do you be so selfish to hurt someone so bad after you have been friends for 15 years?! One of them has assured me that it was not anything I did, it was just a selfish action on their part, but how do you just destroy someone's trust in you so badly, especially when that person would have bent over backwards to help you anytime you needed it. How do you do that to someone who would stand up against everyone and everything to defend you when you need it?
I have learned that when you are a good person it is easy to surround yourself with shitty people who are selfish and could care less about you. Too many people out there are looking for an easy target or scapegoat, and as naive as I am I have always been way to willing to be what they need cause I wanted them to like me, love me, be my friend, etc. No amount of caring on my end can make someone care about my feelings, I cannot force people to like me, they have to do it because they genuinely care about me and my feelings. They have to genuinely care about the friendship or relationship, and I guess that just wasn't the case with my ex husband and these two others. these three people were my support system and the three people I felt that I could trust more than anyone in the world for so long. I had no idea they would be the ones to tear me down at my weakest points. I had no idea my feelings and I were so expendable.......
I also have realized in the last week just how much ANGER I have towards certain people in my life, particulary my ex husband. We have been seperated for almost 3 years now and I thought I had dealt with all my anger but apparently not. I hold no ill will against him for the mistakes he made, but on the flip side of that I am very angry with him for the mistakes he has made (at least the ones that affected me and Keegan so drastically). I find it a hard line to walk to be soooooo very angry with him while I am soooo happy with my current life. So dear reader, here is my question to you.....How do you let go of so much anger for what was done to you against your will so that you can be happy with your future? I have spent a looooooong time blaming myself for what happened, I just realized in this last year (with the help of a good friend, an amazing boyfriend, and a therapist) that what he did was NOT my fault. He did what he did because HE didn't care and was being incredibly selfish. I CANNOT continue to live in the shadow of HIS mistakes. He screwed up, not me. Mind you, I made my mistakes and I have apologized 10 ways from sunday for those, but none of them did anywhere near the damage as the two mistakes that ended our marriage. I fulfilled my duties as a good wife and a good mother and I will continue to be a good mother for my son's sake alone. My son is my world and NOTHING will ever be more important than him, EVER. I made it a point the day I asked for a divorce to not take the easy way out and to not show my son just how ugly divorce can be. I have been side tracked by my anger on occasion and posted or said things I should not have, I am not sorry for my outbursts but I will try to be better about that for my son's benefit. I have actually been doing my best while typing this to not lower myself into the anger pit inside me and say the things my anger is really screaming in my head. He may NEVER know the full spectrum of the damage his actions caused, I just hope he has learned from his mistakes. Drew, If you read this... I hope you realize I blog about this not to give you a bad name, but because I need to get it out. I don't hate you but I am absolutely furious with you most days and I hope you understand why. I realize you will forever be a part of my life because of Keegan and I respect you as his father, I just wish you would do the same for me.
Another person who hurt me considerably lately is two very close "friends" of mine. I say "friends" with the quotations because in my mind what they did to me was so heinous that I don't know that they ever considered me a friend, nor do I know if I will ever be able to forgive it. I am not going to go too far into specifics because I have no reason to bust them out publicly. They know what they did and I have confronted both of them about it in private. My question is how do you be so selfish to hurt someone so bad after you have been friends for 15 years?! One of them has assured me that it was not anything I did, it was just a selfish action on their part, but how do you just destroy someone's trust in you so badly, especially when that person would have bent over backwards to help you anytime you needed it. How do you do that to someone who would stand up against everyone and everything to defend you when you need it?
I have learned that when you are a good person it is easy to surround yourself with shitty people who are selfish and could care less about you. Too many people out there are looking for an easy target or scapegoat, and as naive as I am I have always been way to willing to be what they need cause I wanted them to like me, love me, be my friend, etc. No amount of caring on my end can make someone care about my feelings, I cannot force people to like me, they have to do it because they genuinely care about me and my feelings. They have to genuinely care about the friendship or relationship, and I guess that just wasn't the case with my ex husband and these two others. these three people were my support system and the three people I felt that I could trust more than anyone in the world for so long. I had no idea they would be the ones to tear me down at my weakest points. I had no idea my feelings and I were so expendable.......
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
A letter to my 17 year old self....
Hi!
i know you are never going to believe that I am sending you this from your future, but there are going to be some major changes that you are going to go through and I want you to know that in the end, when the dust settles...you are going to be stronger than you are today and you will be a better person for all of it. I know right now your most important choice is whether you are gonna go to class or not, or what you Krissy and Kimmy are going to do Friday night. Enjoy it now, while you can. Now, I am not going to say that you don't have some pretty awesome times coming in your future, but there are some pitfalls that I think you need to know about.
1. There will be some people that will hurt you badly. You wear your heart on your sleeve and want to believe that everyone has good intentions, but this just is not the case. Some people have a mean streak, some people just don't know any better, and some people have the best of intentions and just make mistakes. Sometimes someone just can't love you enough to do what is best for you. Not every one is giving and unselfish, and that is ok. Your run in's with these people teach you some pretty important things and they are things that you need to know. At multiple points you will want to run and hide your heart, don't. Just trust me, be you and keep wearing that heart on your sleeve, it will get better and you will end up where you deserve to be.
2. Your son will be the MOST amazing thing to ever happen to you......point blank. He is funny and sweet and loves you more than any other human being ever could. He is going to need you (even when you think he doesn't). There will be times where you want to scream, pull your hair out and run away....but within minutes he will remind you why you won't ever really want to do it. He is really good at making you laugh after you've reached the end of your rope. Just remember..... MOST amazing thing ever created, and you did it.
3. There will come a day where you feel like your world is crashing down around you, a day where you have to make choices that you DO NOT want to make, but it will be ok. Things will get better, the dust will settle and you will survive. In time you will meet an amazing man who will make you feel like no one else ever has. He will love you more than anyone else ever cared to, and he will treat you like you matter. You deserve this, You will try to push him away (because this is what you are used to doing, get rid of them before they get rid of you, right?) but he will stand strong and not let you do it. He is the first man to be able to stand up to you and still love you at the same time, and while it is scarier than anything you have faced, it is absolutely worth every minute. And I promise it will not take you long to believe that you deserve it and you will be able to accept it and just be happy, really happy for the first time in your life. Embrace it.
Just remember, you are stronger than you think and you deserve more than what you will accept at first. It may take you a little bit but you will figure it all out and in the end you will be living the life you should be. It will never be a "privileged lifestyle" but it will be the most precious thing in the world to you. You will finally feel fulfilled, loved, treasured, brave, courageous, beautiful, capable and confident. I can't wait for you to see it, you are gonna be blown away.
D.
i know you are never going to believe that I am sending you this from your future, but there are going to be some major changes that you are going to go through and I want you to know that in the end, when the dust settles...you are going to be stronger than you are today and you will be a better person for all of it. I know right now your most important choice is whether you are gonna go to class or not, or what you Krissy and Kimmy are going to do Friday night. Enjoy it now, while you can. Now, I am not going to say that you don't have some pretty awesome times coming in your future, but there are some pitfalls that I think you need to know about.
1. There will be some people that will hurt you badly. You wear your heart on your sleeve and want to believe that everyone has good intentions, but this just is not the case. Some people have a mean streak, some people just don't know any better, and some people have the best of intentions and just make mistakes. Sometimes someone just can't love you enough to do what is best for you. Not every one is giving and unselfish, and that is ok. Your run in's with these people teach you some pretty important things and they are things that you need to know. At multiple points you will want to run and hide your heart, don't. Just trust me, be you and keep wearing that heart on your sleeve, it will get better and you will end up where you deserve to be.
2. Your son will be the MOST amazing thing to ever happen to you......point blank. He is funny and sweet and loves you more than any other human being ever could. He is going to need you (even when you think he doesn't). There will be times where you want to scream, pull your hair out and run away....but within minutes he will remind you why you won't ever really want to do it. He is really good at making you laugh after you've reached the end of your rope. Just remember..... MOST amazing thing ever created, and you did it.
3. There will come a day where you feel like your world is crashing down around you, a day where you have to make choices that you DO NOT want to make, but it will be ok. Things will get better, the dust will settle and you will survive. In time you will meet an amazing man who will make you feel like no one else ever has. He will love you more than anyone else ever cared to, and he will treat you like you matter. You deserve this, You will try to push him away (because this is what you are used to doing, get rid of them before they get rid of you, right?) but he will stand strong and not let you do it. He is the first man to be able to stand up to you and still love you at the same time, and while it is scarier than anything you have faced, it is absolutely worth every minute. And I promise it will not take you long to believe that you deserve it and you will be able to accept it and just be happy, really happy for the first time in your life. Embrace it.
Just remember, you are stronger than you think and you deserve more than what you will accept at first. It may take you a little bit but you will figure it all out and in the end you will be living the life you should be. It will never be a "privileged lifestyle" but it will be the most precious thing in the world to you. You will finally feel fulfilled, loved, treasured, brave, courageous, beautiful, capable and confident. I can't wait for you to see it, you are gonna be blown away.
D.
Thirty.......
I thought turning thirty would be completely different than it was, actually I expected it to be very uneventful. I guess that is because that is how every birthday has been for me for the longest time. No one ever made a big deal out of it, usually there wasn't a lot of people who actually remembered......This year was actually amazing though. I am very blessed. I have an amazing son. I have a man in my life who loves me very, very much. Along with him he has brought two amazing kiddos and a group of amazing friends that I just fit into without even trying. I have some amazing friends of my own and a family that loves me very much. If someone told me 10, even 5 years ago that this is where I was going to end up I would have laughed in their face. I am so very blessed to be able to share my life with these amazing people and with you through this blog. I am glad I have somewhere that I can share my feelings, although sometimes it may come out in a jumble and it may be hard to understand what I am thinking or where I am coming from, it helps me to say it. i may not have millions in the bank (Ok, most days I don't even have hundreds lol), I may not have a brand new car or a big, fancy house. I am ok with that though, cause I am blessed enough to have a wonderful, amazing boyfriend with a beautiful soul who is a genuinely good man. I have kiddos that are so much more than just little people, they are beautiful, amazing people that are going to change the world for the better. I have friends and family that would do anything for me and vice versa. I am a lucky, blessed and happy girl, and at 30 there is nothing more I could ask for. I have been through a lot and sometimes did not fully believe I would make it through in one piece, but I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I thank god everyday that I was strong enough to get here, this is where I was meant to be and there is no where else I would rather be, and at thirty there is no other person I would rather see when I look in the mirror. This just starts the second half of my journey in this life and I am not going to take any of it for granted, I am going to live it to the fullest and make it the best that I can for those that I love!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
blessed....
There are some days where I realize just how very blessed I am. I may not have thousands, millions or billions of dollars, I may not even have hundreds of dollars on any given day, but I never believed happiness was monetary anyway. I may have bad days and I may have days where I just want to climb back into bed and just hide under the covers and cry, but then i have days like yesterday and today. Days where I can just stop and take stock of what I DO have.
I have a wonderful family, they may make me absolutely crazy or frustrated somedays, but through lots of talking and hardships we have come to be closer and happier. I know my parents love me immensely and they are always there if I need help or just need to talk something out. My momma is my best friend and always has been. We had a rocky time while I was growing up, I wanted a mother and she wanted a friend, but after all this time I found my way and she has always been there holding my hand the best way she knew how. My daddy is a man who is not responsible for my creation but he IS 100% responsible for my life. I am a daddy's girl, I may not always act like it but I am. He took the reins in my life and turned a spoiled bratty overbearing little girl into a woman who can hold her head high and say that she has always respected herself. Thank you mom and dad for letting me have the space to live and learn all while being behind me to pick me up if I fell.
I have brothers who are my best friends, while I may not be close with my sisters or two of my brothers the younger three have always been my best friends. We have had our fights and scrapes, but when momma picked us up and moved us around we always had each other. I may not always agree with your choices and I may be a little too mothery to you, you have the capability to be incredible men! Go out and be great!
I have three kiddos in my life that are so different from each other but so awesome in their own rights. Keegan, my baby.... is soooo funny, he makes me laugh constantly. He is everything I have ever wanted, as long as I can remember I always knew I wanted to be a mom , I am honored to be the mother of such an awesome, smart, sweet, incredible kid. He is my life and nothing will ever change that. Of course, we cannot forget Connor and Eva, I have only known them for 5 months but I feel incredibly close to them. They are amazing. Eva is so smart and beautiful, she is an amazing girl, I can't wait to see the incredible woman she becomes....watch out world! Connor is so very sweet and loveable and funny, He is constantly telling all the ladies he meets how beautiful they are and its so very sweet when he does it cause you can tell he genuinely means it when he says it. These three kiddos are going to be fantastic adults and they are going to be good people that their families can be proud of, I have no doubt that they are going to change the world for the better and I am beyond happy that I get to be a part of that! Love you kiddos!
My INCREDIBLE boyfriend..... I love you. You have completely changed mine and Keegs lives for the better. I wish you could see what you have done for me, I have never met someone who could face such a storm and still not falter. You are resiliant and strong and confident. I am proud to call you mine and love that you want to be here. I have never had someone support my dreams or have so much faith in me, it is refreshing to know that I get to come home to you every night. You are a sweet, courageous, funny, smart, strong, and gorgeous person inside and out. We have both been through a lot, and have both been hurt badly, but that may be what makes this work. I know there are days where we argue and things are not always going to be perfect and rosy everyday, but you are the first man that is able to stand up to me and I know without a doubt that you will still love me afterwards. I love everything you are, you are my forever and always. I love you, I love you, I love you.
My friends.....Lizzy, Loo, Krissy, Scottopotomus, Natty, and anyone else I may have missed....THANK YOU! I have some of the best friends in the world and if you are reading this it more than likely means you, even if I didn't call you out by name. I have had moments (especially in thelast 2.5 years) where I have been not so loveable and you have stood by me. I don't know where I would be without you guys, there have been a lot of bad people coming in and out of my life and you have always been here. When I am down and need a chat you guys are always here for me and I love your faces for that. There have been amazing memories that I will cherish all my life, thank you for that. Y'all are some of the world's most incredible people, you deserve everything good in the world that you want and if I had the means I would gladly give it to you!
Yes, I am blessed. I already have the MOST important things in my life : love, laughter and friendship. I have had the honor of knowing the most amazing, courageous, loving, smart, strong, giving, supportive people. There are not enough words to express my thank you's, I hope I can be even half as amazing as you guys. I have been through some bad, bad stuff in my life and have been hurt more times than I care to admit, but I have NEVER been alone. I am a very, very, very blessed person and I am so very grateful everyday for that. If you are reading this....Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for being you and being in my life.
I have a wonderful family, they may make me absolutely crazy or frustrated somedays, but through lots of talking and hardships we have come to be closer and happier. I know my parents love me immensely and they are always there if I need help or just need to talk something out. My momma is my best friend and always has been. We had a rocky time while I was growing up, I wanted a mother and she wanted a friend, but after all this time I found my way and she has always been there holding my hand the best way she knew how. My daddy is a man who is not responsible for my creation but he IS 100% responsible for my life. I am a daddy's girl, I may not always act like it but I am. He took the reins in my life and turned a spoiled bratty overbearing little girl into a woman who can hold her head high and say that she has always respected herself. Thank you mom and dad for letting me have the space to live and learn all while being behind me to pick me up if I fell.
I have brothers who are my best friends, while I may not be close with my sisters or two of my brothers the younger three have always been my best friends. We have had our fights and scrapes, but when momma picked us up and moved us around we always had each other. I may not always agree with your choices and I may be a little too mothery to you, you have the capability to be incredible men! Go out and be great!
I have three kiddos in my life that are so different from each other but so awesome in their own rights. Keegan, my baby.... is soooo funny, he makes me laugh constantly. He is everything I have ever wanted, as long as I can remember I always knew I wanted to be a mom , I am honored to be the mother of such an awesome, smart, sweet, incredible kid. He is my life and nothing will ever change that. Of course, we cannot forget Connor and Eva, I have only known them for 5 months but I feel incredibly close to them. They are amazing. Eva is so smart and beautiful, she is an amazing girl, I can't wait to see the incredible woman she becomes....watch out world! Connor is so very sweet and loveable and funny, He is constantly telling all the ladies he meets how beautiful they are and its so very sweet when he does it cause you can tell he genuinely means it when he says it. These three kiddos are going to be fantastic adults and they are going to be good people that their families can be proud of, I have no doubt that they are going to change the world for the better and I am beyond happy that I get to be a part of that! Love you kiddos!
My INCREDIBLE boyfriend..... I love you. You have completely changed mine and Keegs lives for the better. I wish you could see what you have done for me, I have never met someone who could face such a storm and still not falter. You are resiliant and strong and confident. I am proud to call you mine and love that you want to be here. I have never had someone support my dreams or have so much faith in me, it is refreshing to know that I get to come home to you every night. You are a sweet, courageous, funny, smart, strong, and gorgeous person inside and out. We have both been through a lot, and have both been hurt badly, but that may be what makes this work. I know there are days where we argue and things are not always going to be perfect and rosy everyday, but you are the first man that is able to stand up to me and I know without a doubt that you will still love me afterwards. I love everything you are, you are my forever and always. I love you, I love you, I love you.
My friends.....Lizzy, Loo, Krissy, Scottopotomus, Natty, and anyone else I may have missed....THANK YOU! I have some of the best friends in the world and if you are reading this it more than likely means you, even if I didn't call you out by name. I have had moments (especially in thelast 2.5 years) where I have been not so loveable and you have stood by me. I don't know where I would be without you guys, there have been a lot of bad people coming in and out of my life and you have always been here. When I am down and need a chat you guys are always here for me and I love your faces for that. There have been amazing memories that I will cherish all my life, thank you for that. Y'all are some of the world's most incredible people, you deserve everything good in the world that you want and if I had the means I would gladly give it to you!
Yes, I am blessed. I already have the MOST important things in my life : love, laughter and friendship. I have had the honor of knowing the most amazing, courageous, loving, smart, strong, giving, supportive people. There are not enough words to express my thank you's, I hope I can be even half as amazing as you guys. I have been through some bad, bad stuff in my life and have been hurt more times than I care to admit, but I have NEVER been alone. I am a very, very, very blessed person and I am so very grateful everyday for that. If you are reading this....Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for being you and being in my life.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
angry!
It occured to me today just how angry I am at the two of you. You both did everything possible to destroy me, It wasn't enough for you to just hurt me, you had to go the extra mile and really rub it in to make sure I would never forget it. I never realized you could love someone and hate them at the same time. I love you because I know who you are capable of being but I hate you for everything that you felt the need to put me through. I gave and gave and gave, I asked NOTHING in return but that just wasn't enough for you. I have dated a lot of bad people, but you were supposed to be my best friends and you were supposed to protect me, not destroy who I was. You both turned me into a person I did not like, even after I was gone I still hate what you have turned me into. I have worked hard to be a good person and always give more than I asked for in return, I worked hard to be someone that my grandparents would be proud of and you couldn't let that happen. I have worked hard ever since you to be better and to be worthy when I should have realized I already was. I didn't need someone (let alone either of you) to make me feel that way. I was already important, I was confident and happy and a positive person. I deserved better than what you gave me and I wish I would have realized it sooner than I did. I allowed you to control me and my emotions, I was never me when I was with either of you.... I did everything possible to be who you needed. I still sit and let you walk all over me, I generally don't tell you how I really feel about a situation because I am trying to appease you, even still I try to appease you, even after everything you did to me! I am not sure when I will finally realize that I need to stand for myself and not care about your feelings and how you will react to what I really feel and who I really am. I am in a good place but I can never fully feel good cause you never stop! one of you I know for a fact that I will never be rid of and the other I just dont know...... I gave up a long time ago and just stopped caring because I knew it would not change anything. You will never care about anyone but yourself and how you feel about a situation..... for starters you tell me you are happy for me but you aren't. If you were you would acceot being my friend and the fact that the reason that you are not more is because you nailed your own coffin shut when you spat those words in my face. I told you before I walked out that door that if you let me leave I would not be coming back. YOU LET ME WALK OUT THE DOOR AND BECAUSE OF YOUR PRIDE YOU DIDNT EVEN BOTHER CHASING ME, BECAUSE "YOU DON'T CHASE GIRLS"......the funny thing is that if you had just let me come talk to you the night I wanted to then we probably wouldn't be where we are and you would have gotten your way instead of having to fruitlessly beg me to come back. You cannot hurt me anymore, which is a weird sensation for me. don't get me wrong, you can still make me mad, but you cannot hurt me. I gave up, I walked away.... I gave you exactly what you wanted and what you had been asking for. Now you want me to come back? you say it has nothing to do with the fact that I am in love and happy but it is funny that the only time you want me back is when I am over you. You promise that things would not be the same again, but how the fuck am I to take that and believe it when that is all it has been for 2 years?!?!?!?! Every time I came back it was the same damn thing, you only want me when you cant have me and this has not only been a pattern with us..... but a pattern in your whole life! you bounce from woman to woman and you are always looking for the bigger, better, deal. well, I was the best thing to ever happen to you and you thought that you would do better..... now where are you? sitting in a fucking cave and living a miserable life, working and begging me to come back. Some days I can cry because I know what could have been if you had just not been so god damned prideful! I tried again and again to show you what could have been and you saw it, i know you did, but you figured I would waste another 12 years on my life on someone who would not see my greatness. well, that was your mistake, I spent 12 years with a man who always put me last, who walked all over me, who lied repeatedly to me and never took my side.... why would I put myself through that again. I never wanted to be another girl n your massive list, but in the end I have to just realize that this is what I became even though you have told me repeatedly that is not what I was. We both have to face facts, that's exactly what I ended up becoming. You tore apart the one friendship that I thought could never be destroyed.... when my world fell apart you were the first person I could think to call and after everything that has happened I sometimes wish I hadn't. I have spent my life trying to not regret anything I did, but somedays I regret kissing you, I regret letting us become what we became. Somedays I am grateful cause you taught me what I was worth and I was smart enough to get out before you killed me. I learned a lot from both of you, I learned that I am worth more than that and I deserve better than what you gave me, I deserve to be loved, actually loved, and not just used. I learned just how strong I could really be, I never thought I could walk away from my life or someone I cared so much about, but I did and I am better off for it now. Neither of you were ever going to be the man I needed, I didn't need much, just normalcy and someone to actually care about me. Of course I dont know how I expected someone else to care about me when I didn't even care enough about myself to get away from the bad people who were just out to hurt me...... so I guess I am partially to blame for it too. I will never claim innocence in this situation ( either one of them) but I deserved the same treatment I gave you, and if you loved me then you would not have let me accept less than that. I have accepted far less than I deserve for far too long, if my grandfather had been alive to see the way I allowed myself to be treated he would have lost it and I am ashamed that I know he is somewhere watching me knowing that he has watched all of this and I couldn't change it before it was too late..... I lost myself somewhere and I wish I knew where and when so that I could go back and get that girl and be her again. I wish we could all go back to when we were younger and smarter, the two boys I knew would never have done this to me, and they would be ashamed if they could see the men that they grow into.... and that girl would be ashamed of who she becomes...... I am sorry for anything I may have done to hurt either of you ( and even now I am sitting here trying to figure out why I am apologizing..... you destroyed me!) .........One of you gave me a beautiful son though and my only hope in life is that he becomes someone he can be proud of, That he can become someone better than his father could ever be...... and if I have anything to say about it he will......
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)