23 years later.....

"Weather man said it’s gonna snow
By now I should be used to the cold.

Living alone here in this place
I think of you, and I’m not afraid
Your favorite records make me feel better
Cause you sing along
With every song
I know you didn’t mean to give them to me

But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you

It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone"

-Over You (Miranda Lambert)


23 years ago the most important man I have ever known left us. My grandfather is the reason I am who I am. He was a hard worker, he was a hero, he taught me to be compassionate and to always believe in the good. I am sure he had his flaws, but at 8 years old I couldn't tell you what they were. I have spent every day since December 19th, 1989 trying to make him proud. Most people who know me know that I do not know my biological dad. I have a great man who has been my father for 23 years now, however, my first "Dad" was my grandfather. He was my everything as a child, his outlook has been what I have based my life on. My fondest memory was the day that he pulled me aside and told me "Amber, there is good everywhere, you just have to find it." He would point out "The good" to me when we were certain places. Even to this day I alwasy look for the "good" in any situation I am in, I can't help it, it's ingrained in me. I could go on and on, but, I'm trying to not break down and cry, I've done that enough today.......

I will say, I didn't know it at 8 years old, but I was blessed to have even just one day with this man. I am blessed to say everyday that I am Harry Claude Searles' granddaughter. I was cherished and loved by an amazing man and everyday I cherish his memory and legacy that continues to live in me. I Love You and I miss you everyday.

how do you explain evil?

How do you explain evil? Today I held my son close and explained to him that his daddy, I, Andrea and Chris love him more than anything in the world. I (like most of the world) watched in horror as children were reported missing or dead. I cried with President Obama when he gave his speech, I cried for the poor, precious, scared kids, I cried for the teachers who were trying desperately to protect their kiddos, I cried for the teachers who dies trying to protect their kiddos and I cried for the families who lost children and adult loved ones alike.

I couldn't imagine a day without my child being around. I couldn't imagine burying him or spending the rest of my life wondering "what might have been", wondering who he would have became, wondering the good he could have done, wondering the kind of parent he would have been. These poor kids lost so much and their families lost just as much, if not more. I can't imagine moving on, I can't imagine waking up tomorrow morning knowing he was gone. I wouldn't get out of bed, I wouldn't be able to look in the mirror.

Our jobs as parents is to keep our kids safe, its to teach them how to grow and be good people. So, How do we explain horrendous days like these???  My son is 5, He is exceptionally curious at this age, he knows who the President is and he knows what sad is, therefore when he saw me crying with President Obama his first question was "Mommy, why are you and the President crying? what's he saying?" I said "Sometimes bad things happen, sometimes there are bad people in this world that hurt people for no reason. This morning there were a lot of kids hurt because of a bad man.". Keegan looked at me and said " I am sorry the bad man made you cry, Mommy.... I love you." I couldn't do anything but hug him and tell him I loved him too knowing full and well that there were parents on the east coast that would not have this comfort tonight.

I've known for a long time that there was evil in this world. I knew way before I should have that there were bad people and that they did bad things. I have always lived my life being the best person I could because I wanted to believe that for each good thing I did it stopped one evil thing from happening......... My faith in that is running thin though. I would like to believe it still works that way but I am not a child and I am not naive. I think we just have too much evil in this world and the good cannot overcome it anymore. People spend so much time putting others down (I've been guilty of this myself, I'm not perfect), they spend time hurting each other for petty reasons and pushing others down just to prove they are right........

I live my life by the premise of being kind and graceful to everyone. I work hard at being kind, it doesn't cost anything, you don't lose anything by being kind. try it..........