Wednesday, January 23, 2013

a whole new world....

          So yesterday was the beginning to my second week in this new world called College. I am currently attending Maple Woods Community College to get my associates in Business/ Accounting. It's definitely been a different experience. I have spent the last 7 months doing whatever I wanted when I wanted, waking up when I wanted (with the exception of when Keegs woke me up) and not necessarily being responsible for much during the day as far as being on a schedule (with the exception of nap time lol). Now I am back on a schedule, having to be up between 7-8 in the AM, which is not cooperating with my love of being up late each night. I am responsible for not only getting myself to school on time but getting Keegs to school every other week and planning my afternoons for homework before I pick him up because once I pick him up I don't get a lot of homework done until he's in bed for the evening.

          I am finding that I am having to get a lot accomplished in a small amount of time and having to learn again how to compartmentalize a lot of my life. I took on a bit much to begin with, but I am a strong, determined woman and have no doubt that I will succeed. I tend to stress a lot when under a deadline, but I also thrive under pressure. So while I know I am looking at a lot of work, I am excited for the amount of work. I hope my feelings on that don't change as the semester goes on.

          I have also noticed a big change in my moods. My last few weeks before school started I noticed I was having a lot of impatience, temperamental moods and lash outs. I was not happy no matter what I did during the day, I would get cranky extremely easily and I would just want to be left alone or sleep. My depression was hitting hard and I felt bad for how I was behaving at home towards Chris and Keegs. I started taking my meds again, hoping it would help my moods. It worked like a charm, I was "artificially happy" for those last few weeks and things started to get back to normal. Before the meds I just felt like I was trapped, I rarely left the apartment, wouldn't want to clean the apartment, and just felt worthless. I could tell Chris was getting frustrated with me, although he never stated this. I can tell when my depression is getting to him. He never comes out and says anything, he never acts out towards me, he just lets me be until I get to a point where I can vocalize it. I spend a lot of time apologizing, but he is amazing and never makes me feel bad about it. He has learned when not to badger me about whether I am "okay" or not. He is amazing and I cannot state that enough.

            I find that being out of the house is a help, I enjoy going to the library, the student center, even going to class. I have since stopped taking the meds because I feel genuinely happy. I still have my moments where I am cranky because my math problem isn't working out, or I don't understand my accounting class work, but I find that I tend to rebound from the anxiety and frustration better than I used to.

            I am excited to see where I am headed, where my family is headed and what is waiting for us at the end of this path and the beginning of the next one. Until then I am just going to continue to take it day by day and continue to enjoy my days at school and nights with my guys (Chris and Keegs). They are the best support system I could ever ask for, they make me a better woman and I couldn't do this with out them. I love them more than they will ever know.