Hi There,
I have so much to say and not enough words to express my thoughts. I have always been better at free form writing so maybe just the fact that I am typing away will spark the words I need to express myself. I guess we will find out together......
Today is suicide prevention day, I am saddened by the fact that we need a day for this. We do enough killing of each other, we don't really need to kill ourselves off, yet, I really don't have much room to talk. I was minutes away from being a statistic myself.
I've spent my entire life being "Tender-Hearted", "Naive", "Giving", "Sensitive", "Loving" and any other word you want to attribute to me. I have been taken advantage of, hurt, beaten, broken, cheated, and bullied (not only by outsiders and acquaintances, but even by my own mother). Every time I got knocked down, I jumped up and dusted myself off and moved to the next person that I hoped would love me. Over the years I have learned to be *slightly* more protective of my heart and I've tried valiantly to stand up for myself. I never truly succeed at it but I keep trying. I have a habit of surrounding myself with people that I shouldn't. I am trusting, I always have been. I always believe that people have the most noble of intentions and then feel hurt and let down when I realize I, once again, am wrong.
Any logical human would think by now I would have noticed the signs and been able to stay away from people who want to hurt me, but nope. I am a fixer, I am a caretaker, I WANT to love, I WANT to help. I assume I will always be this way, I know.... I know.... all I have to do is stop putting my hand in the fire, it really isn't that easy.
I have known from an early age that I didn't belong with my family, I knew that I was never going to be one of them, I was never going to be good enough to be part of their club (I am not being pitiful here, it is simply the truth). The physical abuse I suffered at the hands of my brother was part of it, The fat shaming and bullying I suffered at the words of my mother was a part of it, losing what felt like the only people that cared for me at the age of 8 was another part, learning at the age of 12 that my whole life was a lie and I was never wanted by my mother was another part, being abandoned the minute I graduated high school, being homeless and stealing food as a teenager and young adult was another, Being a closeted bisexual and being afraid to tell anyone for fear of truly being abandoned by anyone remaining that I cared about and alone was another part, and the sexual abuse that I endured as a preteen and kept to myself until adulthood was yet another part of the puzzle that has formed who I am. My life has in so many ways been difficult, but I sit here today as a college graduate, a mother and a battle scarred warrior.
I spent so much time believing that I was worthless, that I was fat and lazy, that I was unworthy of anything (let alone love and affection). I married my high school boyfriend and neither of us knew what that entailed. He had his own struggles and had no idea what a successful relationship was supposed to look like, just like me. What do you get when you throw two kids who had to grow up too soon together and leave them out at sea? Chaos.
I can't fully blame my ex husband for our downfall, sure, he made some choices that lead to the end, but in all reality I was wrapped up in my pity. We both had our faults and we had no business getting married, we were children and had no idea what to do. We got married because we were supposed to. That's what you do, you date, you get married, you have kids.....right? Not quite. However, we have made the best out of a crappy situation because we didn't want to be our parents. We wanted a good life for our son. We didn't want him left broken and weathered like we had been.
We come to 2008, I was on the verge of divorce, I had a son that I didn't know how to support alone, I felt like a true failure for the first time in my life, I was back living with someone who pretended to like me (even though I was constantly criticized and fat shamed) and I was truly lonely and scared. None of my friends were divorced so while the few friends I had tried to listen and be supportive, they couldn't truly put themselves in my shoes. I truly felt utterly, depressingly, and totally alone for the first time in my life. I had no feelings, I was numb, I was moving about my actions like normal, I smiled at people, I woke up and did what needed to be done, but I wasn't present, I wasn't actively participating in my life. I gained an additional 75 pounds and felt even more worthless. Looking back, I don't know how I made it out of bed daily, I guess I didn't really have a choice.
I decided one day that there was no point continuing, there was nothing left to do. Sure, my son would miss me, but he was so young that he would eventually be all right, plus he would have my life insurance and that would be enough to care for him, he still had his dad. (Jesus, this is hard to write and relive) I considered what my options were, I am a weenie so I didn't want pain, I just wanted to not wake up. I just wanted the pain to end, I just wanted to not hear any more criticism, I just wanted to finally be done. I had decided that my only option was an accident. I had to do it in a way that I couldn't control, a way that would be out of my hands so that I couldn't stop myself.
There were plenty of options, at the time I wasn't thinking about anyone else. I wasn't thinking of any of the other people that would be included or affected by my actions. Then I realized driving into traffic and causing an accident made no guarantee that I would die, that it would end. I started looking into bridges and ravines, I concluded that I didn't want to drown, so a river bridge was out of the equation, however a ravine would hopefully cause me to be unseen, so no one would save me. Also, maybe the car would just explode on impact so it'd be quick. That was it, I had made my decision. I spent two weeks planning and thinking, I went about my days in a fog, I was consumed. I hugged every loved one I came into contact with as if it was the last time, and avoided the ones I couldn't mentally say good bye to without giving myself away emotionally that something was up.
I chose a week when my son was at his dad's so that I wouldn't have to say goodbye to him. I wrote him a letter, I wrote a few more letters, and I got in my car and drove away. I put my phone on silent and in the backseat and I drove....... I drove around for about 3 hours trying to gather the courage to drive to the area where I planned on doing it.
I never made it there.
While driving, I started talking to myself, recounting out loud all the reasons I should just do it. I started to hear rebuttals to my "reasons", whether they were out loud or just in my head I will probably never know. I felt like someone was in my passenger seat talking it out with me, someone who couldn't have possibly been there because he died a long time ago. For the first time in years, decades, I didn't feel alone, I didn't feel helpless. I switched on the radio because I just felt like I should and I heard "you'll be alright, because when push comes to shove, you taste what you're made of. You might bend till you break, cause it's all you can take. On your knees you look up, decide you've had enough. You get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off, then you stand......"
I pulled over, I cried, I sat in a park for an hour and a half in the dark crying, I then sat for 30 minutes in the dark just being quiet, just listening, listening to the quiet, I cried a bit more and waited for it all to pass.
I am not saying it was a ghost that stopped me, I am not saying it was divine intervention, I am not saying it was anything in particular. I don't know what stopped me, I don't know what made me turn on the radio, I don't know why that song hit me like it did, I don't know what happened that night.
All I know is that I am here today.
I cried when Robin Williams committed suicide, cried like a baby, I've never really been affected by a celebrity death until then. However, I knew what his last day was like to a certain point, I've been there, I have lived in that darkness.fortunately, I came out on the other end, I was lucky, not everyone can say that. I can say that I have had my moments in the last 7 years, I have had dark, dark moments, but I have never been alone. I have created a support system of my own. I have talked about my struggles, I tell people about my depression and anxiety disorders, I work on my moods and take time for me when needed. I talk about my suicide attempt in hopes that others know they aren't alone. I talk about my past, I talk about the scary stuff that no one quite understands unless they have been there. Most of all, I love, I still allow myself to see the best in the world and people (even when it is increasingly hard), I allow myself to believe that all people have good intentions. I believe in magic, in love, in the healing power of song, in the unexplainable. I believe in the world and I believe in my own heart, because that is what keeps me, well, me.
And I believe in "one more minute, one more hour, one more day" because it's never too late.
Please, If you feel alone, if you need help, if you just need to talk, even if you just need a hug or a hand to hold. I'm here, I've been there and I am here.
