Family. This one word can elicit such a response for some people that they don't really know how to react to it. I am one of these people.......
It's no secret that I don't really speak to my mother, It's no secret that I don't know who my father is, and it is no secret that I have felt like an orphan since I was 8 years old and my grandma and grandpa Searles died. I lived with my mother and step father on and off, when I wasn't living with other family members (like my uncle or my cousin).
Until I was 8 I was secure in my family, there was my grandma, grandpa, mom, (the man I thought was my) dad, My brothers, a half brother (or what actually turned out later to be my step brother) and various other family members just like everyone else. December 19th, 1989 was the beginning of the end of that life for me, My grandmother had passed away almost exactly 2 months earlier and my grandfather gave up and followed closely behind. I watched him wither and die away at 8 years old, the man I was closest to, the greatest man I knew, my "dad" was gone. Within a short amount of time my mother left my father, who promised he would write and call and never did, when my mother had finally had enough of my heartbreak over the broken promises she finally told me that the man I had grown up believing was my father, was not in fact, my father. She didn't know who he was, she thought it was a man named Michael Callahan, or could have been someone named Larry. I have spent most of my life wondering who this man is, whether I looked like him, whether I had other brothers or sisters..... and then I learned that regardless of which man it was he was a deadbeat. Both of these men had children with other women, both of these men had abandoned their known children, what would they want with a child they didn't even know existed? And then came the day that my mother told me that she had found out that Michael had died a few years earlier, the answers I needed were buried, buried and gone, I would never know my father.
During my life I have allowed people into my life, people that I miss, people that I have had to let go of, people I have reconnected with and people that never deserved my loyalty or love. Most people that I had let into my life found ways to let me down, they found new and creative ways to hurt me, and I allowed them to do so. Just over three years ago I allowed a man into my life that finally showed me that I deserved better, I deserved to be treated with respect and to be treated like I mattered. I had allowed myself to be so beaten down and hurt and disrespected over the years that I felt like I didn't deserve much. I had allowed men to beat me, I had allowed them to cheat on me, I had allowed people to tell me I was worth less than others. Over the last few years I have been rebuilt from the ground up, I still have moments of weakness where I am insecure, but I am better. I honestly believe I deserve more, I believe that I deserve to be respected.
While I have put my biological family at a distance (due to the fact that I feel like I have been grossly mistreated by them), I have gained others in my "family" that I feel deserve to be here and deserve my loyalty. My wonderful fiancé came with two great kids (Connor and Eva) whom I love, a wonderful mother and father (Gail and Ron) who are not only great parents, but also wonderful grandparents to 11 grandchildren, 3 sisters and brothers- in- law (Becky/Matt, Lisa/ Josh and Sarah/Jim) as well as 8 nieces (Claire, Hailey, Laila, Emery, Josie, Addie, Maybelline and Natalie) whom I love so very much (they all make me laugh and I love that each of them is so smart, sweet and talented in their own ways) as well as other family members who have also welcomed my son and I with open arms. I have reunited with a family that I left behind when I found out my father was not my father and it is as if no time has passed when I am with them, I have gained a brother and sister in law (Juston and Rachel) who always have my back, as well as a generous cast of others. Thank you to each and every one of you, I appreciate you so very, very much.
I also have found people in unusual places that I have taken into my heart and would do anything for, one of these is a teacher. I found Jim when I went back to college, at first I was convinced that he was going to be a pain in the butt and a real hard-ass and we would never get along, however, this man also changed my life. He taught me more than just business techniques, he taught me self esteem, he taught me about "protecting my elephant", as well as teaching me that I was capable of more than I believed I was. I sincerely want to thank you for that Jim, I appreciate you more than you will ever know.
And finally, Chris, what can I say? Thank you, thank you, thank you. Gratitude is not even a big enough word for what I feel for what you have done for me. I was in such a dark spot when you found me, I was just very good at hiding it and you found exactly where I was hiding it and you fixed me. You are the only person who has ever been able to even attempt that and there are not words enough to show you how much I appreciate that.
as I have sat here writing this, tears fill my eyes, I know just how lucky I am. I have never felt such love or gratitude and it overwhelms me daily and I just wanted you to know. Thank you and I love you. Sometimes you don't need a second chance, sometimes you just need a second family and I've been lucky enough to find that in each and every one of you.
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